Ex-Sex: Breaking/Making Up

What should’ve been a six month relationship stretched into seven years because of ex-sex. Every time T. and I broke up (let’s just say it didn’t take a blue moon), we’d encounter each other socially since we ran in the same circles, and next thing you’d know, we’d be up against a private wall or back at his place.
For a time, maybe four or five weeks, it’d be incredible. We’d hook up at 10, 11, 12 at night and just do what we did, what we did so goddamned well, until I always invariably left him just before sunrise for my long drive home.
(God, I loved those sunrise home stretches. I still remember that spent but relaxed drive with quality alone time and music, hitting that curve in the highway where the sun would be rising behind Mount Baker, glimmering over the distant ocean.)
But then we’d somehow fall back into the pattern of passion and caring for each other, and next thing you know, we’d be “an item.”
Then it’d all start falling apart all over again. The deconstruction would never take more than three or four months, usually less.
The funny thing was, when it was just sex, we were more there for each other. We’d have these really passionate conversations before and after. We’d lay there on his roof under the stars and talk about anything from poetry and film to philosophy and science. We could really count on each other emotionally, even if only in conversation.
Then convention would enter the picture and we’d start measuring ourselves against this perceived idea of sex and romance, we’d start getting jealous or bitter towards each other, and we’d crumble with a vengeance.
“That” guy, in those four or five blissful weeks, was a guy I thought I could be with for decades. He’s one of the primary reasons I’m as articulate and well-written as I am. He was a huge influence on me intellectually, and those nights of lying in bed, climaxing, then conversing… I’m not sure I’ve ever had such a dually pleasurable experience. Getting off physically, then intellectually… that’s really unbeatable.
And that’s what ex-sex can offer: a pared-down version of a relationship, where all you’ve really got is the intimacy. With that intimacy, tends, in my experience, to come a kind of simplicity that often gets lost in everyday relationships. Once you step out of the narrow confinces of ex-sex, relationships get bogged down with mundanities that tend to incite conflict or apathy. It’s a shame, but that’s how it often works, since that’s usually what killed it the first time around.
I love ex-sex. I love how right that wrong always feels. So goddamned right.
Hell, I want a longterm boyfriend right now just so I can break up with him and then crawl right back. I wouldn’t be the only one crawlin’, I assure you. That prolonged denial followed by incredible satiating… Always a wonderful thing.
So, I’m wondering what your ex-sex experiences were. Come on. You know you’ve had ‘em. After all, there’s nothing quite like being surprised with the familiar. There’s something great about ex-sex, just like going home again. It’s warm, cozy, moist, and good, and you already know it’s a failure, so you don’t need to worry about perfection or how it shakes down the next day, right?
So tell me about your experiences. Emotionally, did you find it easier? Did it seem more honest, less forced? More detached? Meaningless, even? Intimate? Better than it was during peacetime? Were you hurt? Did you care? Was it fun? How did it reignite? Did they push for more? Did you get back together? How did it get complicated, and did that end it? And whatever else occurs to you.

12 thoughts on “Ex-Sex: Breaking/Making Up

  1. jimmmer

    I’ve never gone back. Too wierd. I did have phone sex with one once. Incredible, seeing as my new lady was watching tv downstairs. She got it good when she came to bed!

  2. colonialave

    Yeah I’ve never had “ex-sex” myself . . but I’ve had make-up sex. Now THAT’S hot, my dear. Whew. When you’re all mad and fired up . . .you hate him and want to punch something . . . and then he just grabs you and pulls you close to him. . . . gives you this smile and runs his hands through your hair right before he kisses you. . . grrrrr. . .

    Awesome post as always.

  3. scribe called steff

    Jimmmer — That sounds hot. Nice! Thanks for commenting.

    Col — Yes, makeup sex rocks.

    I should ammend things to say that I’ll probably avoid having ex-sex again, since that prolonged the wrong relationship, but hey.

  4. :: christina

    Oh Yes, been there, done that, and thourouly enjoyed it. Maybe too much, in fact, he said he felt used! Sometimes when the walls of the relationshup crumble, all that is left is the foundation of raw sex. To answer your questions, yes I found it easy. It was familiar and almost primal once the boundaries were removed. It became sex for sex sake. Quite delisious. Over time, he pushed for the relationship again and that is what complicated things. We just shared that perfectly hot sexual union, however relationship wise, for the birds.

    I am new to your blog – enjoying – thanks.

    :: christina

  5. scribe called steff

    Yeah, seems someone always gets hurt in the process, if it goes on too long. I done learned my lesson… too bad the sex was so damned good.

    Thanks for coming, C. 🙂

  6. Sazzle

    My ex sex experiences are weird to say the least. One in no way passionate or sensual, just sex, nothing else. When me and ex first broke up we had make up sex, and it was great but all fell apart days later. Then as we were living close, we did a few times until he got with his now GF. Wasn’t special or particulally good sex, and in fact I felt pretty used. Anyway, we hooked up a few weeks back and had dirty dirty sex. But I woke up the next morning sore and with deep regret. Not least since he’s still with his girlfriend and this is the first time he’s cheated on her. And oddly enough I actually like the girl. So that was it, I was totally over him. It had only taken me a year, but there was nothing there anymore.

    Conversely, I recently hooked up with an ex of 5 years ago, we went out for dinner to catch up and he came back to mine for coffee, and I mean the drink. Anyway after coffee we ended up watching a movie in my bedroom and one thing led to another, it was really great. I don’t know why I felt so relaxed but really nervous, like I was 16 again. In fact I was less nervous about losing my virginity. But my it was AMAZING!! And I want to see him again just so we can do it again, just see how things go on that front.

  7. Security Dog

    Oh Jesus, this is gonna sound terrible, but it’s a true story, so…anyway.

    I have these friends who are commitment-phobic. Four guys, all friends, who live in my ex-hometown on the south coast of England. And these guys, or at least three of them anyway, have ‘trifles’. Now, the term ‘trifle’ drives from the dessert: essentially, these guys have girlfriends, who aren’t actual committed girlfriends, who they call up and chat, or have dinner, or go for a drink with. These women are all ex-relationship types who they once dated seriously, but now find it more convenient to treat as extended fuck-buddies.

    Therefore, when I call these guys to see what they are doing, they say something like “I’m gonna go to the fridge for some trifle” ie I’m gonna phone up X and have a drink and fuck. You see a woman who is a ‘trifle’, can be put safely back in the fridge, ready for the next time that he can go back to the fridge and….have another slice.

    I told you it would sound bad.

    I’m guessing that the woman get something out of this too: maybe they too are treating the men as ‘trifles’. It’s a secure thing in an insecure world, maybe, possibly, for both parties.

    I dunno.

    No hate mail, please. 🙂

  8. scribe called steff

    I don’t really see anything objectionable about it. Like Ann Landers once said, in order to get walked over, you have to allow it to happen.

    These chicks don’t want to be trifled? They can stop it.

    Personally, I’d LOVE a fuck-buddy right now. I don’t want the heady relationship things. In fact, I have a potential fuck-buddy lined up — for the tenth time this year. It’s amazing how complicated it is to line a decent fuck-buddy up. Whodathunkit?

    Anyhow, if your friends are gettin’ it without having to give a lot, and the chicks are down with it, then that’s great. Perfect.

    Nothing wrong with it — as long as everyone’s on page.

  9. ~ Storm

    It took 5 years for my ex and I to officially stop seeing eachother. We dated for about a year and had ex sex for 4. We would each date other people for about 3 months and then something wouldn’t work out so one of us would call the other to report in, and then we would hook up yet again. He was fuckable but not dateable. He is still to this day commitment phobic and searching for whatever it is he wants. We’re still friends but I am in a committed relationship with an amazing man who gives me what I want and need (no easy feat, believe me) and the ex still calls or emails at regular (usually 3 month) intervals to see if things are still good after 2 years. He is happy for me, but wistful, which I find sweet and a bit amusing. This boy is gorgeous and could walk out his door and women would be handing over phone numbers right and left. But 5 years is a long time to hang on to something. He was a good fuck buddy, but I eventually wanted more and he couldn’t give it to me.

    Everyone should have a fuck buddy if they want one, as long as the ground rules are set and you’re both honest about what you want. Then it works beautifully. I know if I ever wanted to, all I would have to do is pick up the phone and he’d be right there.

  10. Sazzle

    Amen to that! Fuck buddies are fun. One of my ‘special friends’ and I call them asked me if I we could have a sleepover some time soon. I told him, that depends entirely on you and whether you can do it no strings, because he was getting a little clingy, and he’s OK for fun, but not boyfriend material. Or as my mum said, “not son-in-law material” which amused me greatly.

  11. scribe called steff

    Storm — Yes! Exactly like my scenario, more or less. Perfect! “I’m not a freak.”

    It’s too easy sometimes. But unlike you, I won’t be friends with exes anymore. It gets too fucked up.

    But fuck buddies are wonderful, if you can find the right on.

    Sazzle — Amen to you, too.

  12. Justine

    As you said, Steff, “prolonging the wrong relationship.” My experience (for your collection) was with a fabulous girl also in the Foreign Service. We’d had a great 9-10 months together, then I was posted elsewhere. We sorta ended it, both leery of deep commitment — but she came to visit me, and we were fucking like rabbits the entire time.

    We explored commitment (but got involved with others), found our way to new assignments together, argued (while having delicious, consuming sex), and I went on to the next place.

    She visited me there, not once but three times — always the most intense, intimate sex. As you said, Steff, the other stuff getting in the way of a deeper relationship finally got to be too much. I actually had to reject one more visit before it stopped.

    And, believe me, I revisit that decision every once in a while.

    Hugs, Justine

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