Lousy Lover Syndrome

DirtyTalkingGirl (DTG) over at Pussy Talk recently posted this about her lover’s stubborness in wanting to get her off through oral:

I have to say that M gave me his best last night. He went down on me unasked, made all the right moves with tongue and lips, pulled my thighs over his shoulders, changed position and bent in over me from the side, tried every angle of oral approach and entry. He was textbook-perfect.
All to no avail. I couldn’t come.
At one point, I apologised. Told him it wasn’t him, I just wasn’t in the mood, time of month, blah blah. I added, I’d rather you fuck me. I wanted the penetration.
He said, “No, I want to make you come this way.”
As he laboured on, putting fingers here and thumb there and vice versa, I felt like a lawnmower that wouldn’t start.

This posting set me off, for some reason. I began thinking, “If someone as skilled in and open about sex as DTG felt this frustrated and this much like a failure when her lover plodded through what he thought was his money routine, then where would that leave a “lesser” lover?”
Feeling pretty fucking negative about sex, I suspect. And that’s not fair. In fact, it’s downright cruel.
Our bodies are enigmas. Some things work brilliantly sometimes, and sometimes they fail. That’s just the way it goes.
DTG went on to say that maybe a switch hadn’t flicked in her mind, that the mood hadn’t hit her, and as a result, she was left unswayed by his “best.” She asked to be fucked doggy style, and was again rebuffed. Her lover stuck with his seflish intent of having her reach orgasm his way instead of the one way she thought she’d be able to reach it, considering her somewhat uninspired state.
I’m here to tell you one thing and one thing only: I don’t give a shit if you’re the king or queen of the world with your skills. If your lover tells you it ain’t working, that they want to have you try X method, and you rebuff them because you’re somehow intent on bringing them to climax through your present approach, then it doesn’t matter what skills you have.
You’re a lousy fucking lover.
Listen. Listen. Listen. I’m always saying “listen for aural clues — a switch in breathing, a moan,” whatever it takes, right?
Well, when someone flat-out tells you what they want, and they tell you they’re having trouble “getting there,” and you disregard it, you’ve broken every damned rule in the book.
Me, I think that when the mental baggage started to come into the picture, DTG should have told him to stop. I think she should’ve made him realize that he was starting to make her feel bad.
But that’s just how it goes. It’s so overwhelming when we’re in the heat of that moment and all those inner bells and whistles start tooting: “You can’t come? What are you, frigid? You’re good at this. Hell, you don’t even need to do anything. The ride has come to you! Come on! Orgasm! Squirt, baby!”
We can logically dismiss it, but the hurt’s still going to find its way in, and we start thinking we’re being selfish AND a failure.
And the truth is, it’s not us being selfish, nor failures. It’s our lousy fucking lovers.
This applies to both sexes. Listen to your lovers, and don’t let your pride and inability to concede defeat leave them feeling like crap (and unsatisfied).
It’s wrong and it’s cruel. And it’s just plain bad sex. Wake the hell up.

22 thoughts on “Lousy Lover Syndrome

  1. mango

    Yeah that guy is obviously a total tool.

    In my experience though, most guys will go with what you tell them – ‘fuck me sideways from the chandelier NOW!’ – if they think it will get you off.

    Maybe I’ve just been lucky? Or maybe I’m just good at communications, who knows. At any rate, hooray for men doing what they’re told!

    😉

  2. T

    Two things. First, as you say, it’s all about the audience. I like going down on a woman. A lot. But the main reason I do it is to make her come – which is really the best part. If she isn’t going to come, and wants to do something else – especially something involving my penis, I’m all over that.

    That being said, it may have been a communications thing. I obviously wasn’t there (damn it) but sometimes, as you may have heard somewhere, it can take a woman a while to cum while you are going down on her. So in my experience, there are two kinds of, ‘let’s do something else.’ One, is as you described, it ain’t going to happen, I don’t want to do this anymore. The other is, I feel bad you’ve been down there for 15 minutes with no jackpot – I’m worried you are going to get frustrated or think I am frigid/greedy/selfish, so I’ll skip it and we’ll do something else, even if I don’t end up coming tonight.

    In the first case, you stop and do something else – something you both enjoy. In the other – well, it depends. I’ve told women,

    “If you want me to stop, I’ll stop. But I’m not in any rush here, and I like doing it. If it feels good to you, I’d like to keep going. I’m having a great time down here. We definately don’t need to stop on my account.”

    And sometimes we’ve stopped, and had fun another way, and other times, I kept at it. Sometimes she ended up cumming from oral – it just took a little longer. Other times, she didn’t – and we ended up doing something else.

    Knowing what DTG was thinking, and with the benefit of hindsight, it’s clear they should have stopped. No matter how the guy enjoys giving oral, you don’t want her comparing herself to broken lawn equipment.

    So either M didn’t understand that she was no longer enjoying herself, or he’s a selfish jerk… 😉

    On another note – is the only reason to have sex, to have an orgasm?

  3. scribe called steff

    Adz — Thanks!

    __________

    Juicy — He’s probably a great guy, and he was probably just stupid for not listening. But I think every lover should grow suddenly alert when they hear those words, “It’s not YOU, it’s ME…” and take a step back to see what they can do to remove that feeling from the equation.

    Yeah, comes down to communication. Maybe there could’ve been more of the latter.

    ___________

    Anonymous — Yes! I’m so down with listeners. 🙂

    ___________

    T — Yeah, it is all about communication. And if you’re the person who’s unable to do the coming, then you’re probably getting frustrated, and maybe your ability to communicate is compromised. Oh, to be a fly on the wall.

    Your response to the situation, “If you want me to stop, I’ll stop. But I’m not in any rush here, and I like doing it. If it feels good to you, I’d like to keep going. I’m having a great time down here. We definately don’t need to stop on my account,” is perfect. At least it gives the frustrated partner a choice, something that was missing from this situation.

    And your other question is kinda a loaded doozy, don’t you think? Is the only reason to have sex to orgasm? Of course not. Sure as hell HELPS. The ultimate end product usually IS the orgasm, but in my world, it’s about doing what you can to please the lover, it’s about sharing that thing you have together, whatever it is, whether it’s a fling or a 20-year relationship. Unfortunately, the Big O is the standard by which we tend to measure that.

    It’d be interesting to see what others have to think about that. Besides, I just rolled my ass out of bed and I think it’s a bit too “Big Picture” for my far-too-caffeine-free mind right now. Heh.

    Anyone wanna jump in on that?

  4. T

    Yeah – it is loaded. And the Big O will always be the Big O. But it came to mind because the majority of the times I’ve made the above comment, the woman has said – no, go ahead, it feels great.

    It’s almost as if the pendulum has swung from, “society doesn’t care if women have orgasms” to “you must have an orgasm every time, or there is something wrong with you, and people will point and stare.”

    M should have listened to DTG – absolutely. If you are trying to give your partner an orgasm, what you want is far less important than what he/she wants. And M forgot/didn’t realize that.

    But I assume his ‘best’ wasn’t unenjoyable… It may not have had any chance of success, but if M was having fun, and it felt good, why get stressed about cumming? Why not just lay back and enjoy it? (I know this is a loaded phrase – I don’t mean it like that) Unless they were on their lunch break and hiding in a broom closet, they weren’t under any time pressure, and could move on to doggie style after his tongue and jaw got tired, or one or both of them started to not enjoy it.

    I’m not trying to say that she should have subjugated her will to his, simply because he was enjoying what he was doing. I’m just saying that if she felt good, and he was having fun, why get stressed about the fact that you aren’t going to cum?

    You mentioned feeling selfish and like a failure. Maybe that’s an unavoidable side effect – in which case, M is a lousy lover.

    But was there a way for them to be in bed, where DTG didn’t feel selfish and like a failure, and was able to enjoy M’s pleasent, but ultimately futile attempt?

    One reason that I mention this, is that without that ‘baggage’, M may have surprised DTG by bringing her to orgasm. Or not, and after a pleasent but orgasmless interlude, they move on to doggie style, where after all that foreplay, she has a screaming orgasm, waking up the neighbors and bird nesting outside their window.

    The other reason I’m writing such a long post, is that I never cum from bjs. It could happen, but no one should be holding their breath. So when someone goes down on me, I make it clear that it probably isn’t going to happen.

    And some women stop, and we move on to something else, and others smile and get back down there.

    Maybe it’s different for women, but for me, it still feels good, and sometimes, if I’m lucky, it feels GREAT. But I know that I couldn’t enjoy myself if my partner was operating under a false impression – i.e. that my orgasm was just around bj corner.

    And as a side effect, when someone does go down on me, I know it isn’t out of obligation or reciprocity or some other bs. I know that they are enjoying themselves, which makes it easier for me to enjoy myself. And I definately enjoy myself so much more.

    I think I’ve distracted myself – I don’t know how I’m going to get any work done now.

  5. Anonymous

    t – Try reciting the alphabet backwards. That’ll distract you again and then you can get back to defending the downtrodden. Or tredding on them, whichever it is you do.

    After reading your latest comment, I have one question. IS MELISSA CRAZY???

    THAT Anonymous

  6. Anonymous

    But back to the topic. (phew!) I’ve been in similar situations and I agree with t that there seems to be a switch too far towards the “You MUST have an orgasm!” side. It becomes an issue of pride, I think. Sometimes you just need a little change in activity or focus. Continuing when it’s clear the ol’ lawnmower ain’t startin’ up right now fits that old definition of insanity “…doing the same thing over and over again expecting the outcome to change.”

  7. T

    Dunno if she’s crazy, but she did meet some nice guy and they’re talking about settling down together, so maybe she’s crazy like a fox. BTW, I sound all calm and rational now, but for like 3 years after she made it clear that it was over, I didn’t speak to her (not that she was trying to speak with me) and never referred to her by name. Only as, “The unholy stain who tarnished my soul for 2 1/2 years” aka ‘the unholy one’.

    Things have improved between us.

    I agree with your comment – I just think our definiation of ‘outcome’ should be more flexible. Sometimes – you should get the hell up there, ’cause she needs to cum NOW. Other times, eh, she doesn’t know if she’s going to cum, but gosh that sure feels good. And you play it by ear.

    And even if you are pretty sure – or even positive – that you aren’t going to cum. Boys love a challenge. As long as they know that today is going to be somewhat more challenging than other days, why not let them try (assuming he wants to), so long as he and you are both enjoying yourselves?

    If he isn’t up for the challege, you can move on to Phase B.

  8. T

    And if you define ‘downtrodden’ as businesses being threatened and abused by unions, then yes, I defend the downtrodden. Most people don’t define it like that.

    And one quick question – when I first read, “After reading your latest comment, I have one question. IS MELISSA CRAZY???” it made sense, but then I realized that you didn’t know her.

    I don’t think that anything I wrote in that last post was that exceptional. Most guys may not have the same perspective that I do, but as far as I know, they aren’t that far off from it either.

    Of course, I know crap-all about what other guys do in bed. And if what I wrote was much outside the norm, then I’m glad that I don’t like other boys.

  9. Anonymous

    t- Exactly! As long as we’re both having fun, we’re doing “it” right.

    All exes are unholy. I personally believe mine to be the anti-Christ. But that could just be the fact that plants drop dead and dogs howl when he passes. I dunno.

  10. Anonymous

    Anyone being threatened and abused is downtrodden. And I am no fan of unions. They were certainly a necessary entity in the beginning but like everything we humans do, we never know when to stop. Hmmm. Kind of like Mr. You Vill Cum und You Vill LIKE IT!!! in CL’s post.

    What you said is, if not exceptional, at the very least very good to hear. You sound very open and reasonable and uninhibited – as in believing sex is health and fun, not something dirty that we do in the dark and “Wooo! don’t ever talk about it. That’s twisted, dude!” While not the most sexually confident person on the planet, I am very down-to-earth and quite comfortable discussing sex with a lover.

    But what was the question you wanted to ask?

    And did you mean you’re glad you’re “not” like other boys or “don’t” like other boys? 😉 I’m thinkin’ both is good.

    D

  11. T

    Dear Local 27,

    Your recent behavior is very similar to that of a young man performing cunnilingus on his lover, who refuses to heed her request that he have sexual intercourse with her, ‘doggy style,’ and instead continued to perform cunnilingus on her, to her great frustration. Please cease and desist from this behavior.

    Sincerely,

    Employer

    This was probably only funny to me.

    D – I don’t like other boys, NTTAWWT, but I’m probably not like other boys either. So, both.

    And my question was a remnant from how I originally decided to phrase the post, after I decided to go in a different direction. So, no question, just a comment. Much like the alphabet method, I changed course for an improved reaction. 😉

    And as for, “Wooo! don’t ever talk about it. That’s twisted, dude!” – you never asked what Melissa taught me. It’s definately more towards the ‘twisted’ end of the scale.

    🙂

  12. Anonymous

    t – I thought it was pretty funny. Local 27 reps might beg to differ.

    So, c’mon. ‘Fess up. What did Melissa teach you? And don’t say the alphabet!

    D.

  13. Anonymous

    t – Aw! Shy is okay. Just whisper it…

    And in the meantime, if you haven’t already, check the Aug 31 comments.

    D.

  14. scribe called steff

    You people are freaking me out. Not to mention comandeering the comments!

    Not that I’m trying to dissuade the great love-in, but y’know, email works. 😉

  15. Anonymous

    Sorry, Steph. We did get a bit off topic. But maybe if we get t to ‘fess up, you’ll have another topic to post!

    D

  16. T

    Apologies as well, Steff. We did get a little carried away. If anyone wants to know what Melissa taught me, or otherwise continue this, they’ll have to use email. 🙂

  17. scribe called steff

    Go head and fess up, if you like.

    I just don’t want folks to feel like they’re interrupting in order to comment, so anyone with anything to say, SAY IT. Thanks. 🙂

  18. mango

    >>The other is, I feel bad you’ve been down there for 15 minutes with no jackpot – I’m worried you are going to get frustrated or think I am frigid/greedy/selfish, so I’ll skip it and we’ll do something else, even if I don’t end up coming tonight.

    Yes this is true too, I’ve certainly been there – but also if I feel like this then it’s fairly certain I’m not going to come because I’ll be a little uncomfortable so either way if I’m telling you to stop and do something else then stop and do something else – yes, it’s that simple: oh wow, ‘Women in saying what they mean shocker!’

    Oh and also, is orgasm the only reason we have sex? Fuck no – I do it because it’s fun, even when I know there’s a 99% chance I won’t come. I do because if you love someone it makes you closer, more intimate. I do it because it stimulates my mind. I do it because it produces those lovely little endorphins that make me feel good. All these things happen whether I come or not, so sex for me is not just about hoping for an orgasm – if that’s all I’m after, I’m quite happy to wank for it thank you very much.

Comments are closed.