Reader Conundrum: The 30+ Year-Old Virgin

I had an email from a woman who wanted to remain anonymous.

“So how is the world with a virgin on the other side of 30? How virgin you may ask? Too! I haven’t even had a kiss since highschool so.… Am I going to end up a lost cause? I don’t even know how to formulate my question, what exactly it is.”

–Always Alone

I once wrote, “Getting published is like getting laid. Anyone can do it if they set their sites low enough.”

Getting laid ain’t hard. So that’s not your problem. Your problem is that you want to be laid by someone with standards.

My readers are probably wondering, “Man, bet she’s a dog.” No! I got a picture of this girlie, and she’s cute. A little makeup, some cute, revealing clothes, and a night on the town might be all it takes.

But being over 30 and a virgin and unkissed for so damned long, A.A., you’re probably filled with apprehensions about getting involved — and a whole lot of insecurities.

The thing about dating that gets forgotten is that it’s just about meeting new people. Today, it’s easier than ever. I wrote a rant about e-dating, but the dating itself has been pretty good. None of it has been painful or emotionally distressing. There’ve been some real pieces of work, this is true, but as a whole, it’s not bad. When it doesn’t work out, you walk away. That’s it.

So what’s holding you back? Confidence? Inability to meet new people? The way you dress? I’m not a fly on the wall and my crystal ball’s on the fritz.

If what you wore in the photos is a typical day out for you, you need to update and get some digs that better suit your body, and the colour grey don’t work on you. Have someone help you buy trendy clothes. Ditch those jeans you had on and get some with spandex in ‘em and wider legs that bring your hips into proportion — it’s more slimming, and much more stylish. A lower cut actually makes you seem taller and flatters your ass, too.

Get some nice cute shirts that are at least as low-cut as the v-neck shirt you wore, but get bright, fun colours that will have you be noticed. Personally, I was always opposed to things like hot pink, but I went and got me some snazzy pink and lime green clothes last season and have been really surprised at the interest they create just walking past men on the sidewalk. Get daring.

If confidence is the issue, join a gym. You might think, “Oh, I’ll join a girls’ gym–” WRONG. Yes, gyms are meat markets, but that’s what you want! It’s not that bad. You don’t have to wear makeup. Just have cute workout clothes and do your thing. You might even find you enjoy catching those sly corner-of-the-eye glances that come your way. Every now and then, a little objectifying does a girl some good. Besides, strong women feel sexy.

Another great idea for confidence is to join Toastmasters International, a public speaking organization, so you can brush up your courage for talking to strange men.

As for the question about being a virgin and whether there’s any hope, goddamned right there is. There are men who specifically do not want virgins. They want experienced lovers. Oh, well. There are also men who’ll get excited at the prospect at defrocking a woman, especially since the notion of finding another virgin when they’re also in their 30s is pretty much something that’ll get them a visit from the law enforcement.

Try to ditch your inhibitions. Do little things like forcing yourself to make eye contact with men at the supermarket. Smile at one hot new guy per day. Be brazen and start the occasional conversation. And when you feel you’ve made a big step like just talking to some random attractive man on the street, make sure you pat yourself on the back.

But most importantly, try the e-dating. It’s the easiest, most opportune way to get your face out in the world, especially since you’ve told me you live close to “a major city”. And if it’s something like Lavalife, you can post a profile for free. Write yourself a revealing, open profile and include a photo on your profile. You don’t need to publically disclose you’re a virgin, but you’ll have to do so at some point. You do want to say something like, “Looking for a lover who can and will teach me in the bedroom.” You can call yourself “an inexperienced, but willing to learn, lover.” And realize that if you write the profile well enough, you make it revealing enough, and you have a nice photo up there, you will get a LOT of responses. Then, it’s all up to how you handle things.

Hell, if you want, send a profile you’ve written about yourself to me in email and I’ll help you polish it up all sexy-vixen like. Trust me, I’m effective. ;) We’ll report back to the readers about your progress in a couple months.

Meet guys for a coffee. Don’t let the “online chatting” thing drag past a week. That’s just a waste of your time. All it takes is an hour to meet for coffee and you’ll know if he’s worth pursuing.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” The quote is from Oscar Wilde, and it’s as true as true gets.

Personally, I’m a little overweight. I’m not some sexy vixen non-pareil. I’m cute, I’m fun, and I’m a little larger than life both physically and personality-wise. But I’ve got confidence and I’ve got a great grasp of innuendo. I may not be every man’s cup of tea, but I’m surprised by how many men would indeed like a sip of me — and that’s because my personality’s infectious and I got a dirty grin. There was a time when I thought it was all about hip size, and the more outgoing I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized how untrue that is. Trust me, I went through a dark age in my mid-20s and my self-esteem bottomed right out. In the last couple years, I’ve put all of the above to work for myself and I’ve really enjoyed the outcome, despite still looking for The One.

So, learn to dig yourself. Dress yourself in a new, brazen way, and force yourself to make daily baby steps. Smile at men. Play with innuendo. Start touching their arms when you talk to them. Sit closer to the men you’re around. Take a risk and get on the ‘net for e-dating. But love yourself. Get past the insecurities that are holding you back from being the effusive, sexy woman you know lives deep down inside ya.

And then maybe you’ll happen on a brave new world of satisfaction and sexuality. Good luck on the voyage. ;)

Anyone got anything to add to this advice for AA?

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13 Comments

  1. Mr Hair
    Posted September 10, 2005 at 5:41 pm | Permalink

    Hola,

    Not so much advice as a tale to illustrate all is not lost; As it happens a good friend of mine was a virgin right up until he was 36. Admittedly in his field of particle physics that might be more common than you imagine. Anyway 2 years ago he met a totally lovely lady they started dating. When he told her she did apparently freak out a little and backed off a lot but he had the self confidence to make her see that he was totally committed to both her and their developing relationship. Long story short… she saw sense, was a compassionate adult about it and now they’re married and have a kid. So I suppose my advice is find someone who is an adult and not a dick.

  2. anna
    Posted September 10, 2005 at 8:13 pm | Permalink

    Great advice Steff, I think you have pretty much summed it all up once again!
    I definitley think the most important thing for AA is to feel confident about herself. True confidence is evident from a mile away and people are attracted to people who love themselves!
    anna:)

  3. cfw
    Posted September 11, 2005 at 4:30 pm | Permalink

    Well said! Inexperience could be a selling point, though a bit scary at first. Indicates freedom from disease, as my MD brother in law would note.

  4. Anonymous
    Posted September 11, 2005 at 5:13 pm | Permalink

    Wow. I thought I was the only 30+ virgin on the planet. I am by choice, though. Always believed in the one-man-one-woman-lifelong-committment thing. It just hasn’t worked out that way for me. Not yet.

    And I’m about ready to gnaw my own arm off…

    Care to ask the magic eight ball again: is there any hope for me?

  5. scribe called steff
    Posted September 11, 2005 at 9:02 pm | Permalink

    Mr. Hair: Couldn’t have said it better myself! “Find someone who is an adult and not a dick.” Exactly. The sooner, the better.

    Anna: It’s crazy how appealing confidence is. It’s everyone’s colour. :)

    CFW: Heh! That’s true, too.

    Anonymous: Fortunately, you emailed me about that, so I’ve responded to you there.

    Waiting for the “forever” is probably not the way to go in this day and age. I dunno. Hard answer to give. I may post something more on it later, though. It’d be interesting to see the dialogue on that one.

  6. Grover
    Posted September 11, 2005 at 11:02 pm | Permalink

    Anonymous, I can’t help but wonder if maybe you’ve got yourself too wrapped up in an unrealistically perfect ideal of the man you’re waiting for.

    First off, I’m not being critical of you. I’ll be the first to tell you that there are many many many dickheads out there. If anything, I feel somewhat of a parallel with you, as I am divorcing at 27, and am pretty much a social virgin wondering if there is any hope for myself.

    What I’m slowly learning, and what may be of use to you, is simply that the people I held as “perfect” tend not to be quite what I thought, and those with a hundred and one faults are the true diamonds in the rough. Keep your mind open to those you’d never imagine yourself with, you may just find that unexplainable illogical ‘click’.

  7. Anonymous
    Posted September 13, 2005 at 2:17 am | Permalink

    Thanks Steff for the time and thought you put into my question. I am off to ponder your suggestions(and work towards a new status!!).

  8. scribe called steff
    Posted September 13, 2005 at 3:16 am | Permalink

    I expect a report! And so do THEY, I suspect. :)

    (Grover, nice comment — as usual.)

  9. Danny
    Posted September 13, 2005 at 5:18 am | Permalink

    Actually, i’ve found that the only thing a person needs is confidence. Not the brazen *ass kickin’* kind, but the confidence to be someone confortable with themselves.

    To actually initiate conversation and to know if or when to attempt regular contact. Then start by holding hands, lightly brushing against the person and generally ensuring that lots of body contact is being made. Things just flow naturally from then on.

    From a now more experienced Tiger trying to survive in our contemporary society…

    (Or you could just pick a personality and play your part, whatever floats your boat.) :p

  10. Viviane
    Posted September 22, 2005 at 11:57 pm | Permalink

    Perhaps this situation is more common than we think. Here’s a dicussion from Ask Metafilter. The question was posed by a 30 year old male virgin.

    http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/18186

  11. Naked Condo
    Posted December 31, 2005 at 5:19 pm | Permalink

    I think fundamentally those who wait and don’t initiate don’t get dates.

    That’s my experience as a non-initiator, anyway.

  12. JuYa
    Posted May 28, 2006 at 11:20 pm | Permalink

    Hey AA, I’m in your boat too. The hardest part is TELLING the decent guy you just had a nice second date with that you’re inexerienced. Rehearse. Have a clever monologue to deliver. Expect that he might bail; he might be too scared to do the defrocking; he might be a dickhead. Plan for all scenerios and you will feel better because you have a PLAN to at least get through the hardest part –revealing it. I’m with ya, girl.

  13. Anonymous
    Posted June 18, 2006 at 1:27 am | Permalink

    I stumbled across your blog somehow and found this post. I am 35, a virgin, with no reasonable expectation of change in that situation in the near future. I have had 2 dates (with the same guy) in the last 6 years. I always thought I would wait until marriage (or at least a serious relationship) but I never realized it would be THIS long! The thing is: I have NEVER been in a situation with a guy where I had the opportunity to decide whether I was going to wait or not.

    I feel at ease with guys as friends, but in the past (way back when) no guy I “dated” ever stuck around past 2 dates. That kind of constant hit to the ego makes it really difficult to muster confidence in a dating situation.

    Just this past spring, for the first time in my life, a guy (friend) told me that he thought I was “hot”. He was surprised by my surprise at his telling me this. (He’s offered to “help” me with my “situation” but he has a girlfriend and I’m not ready to be THAT person).

    I’ve been struggling with trying to find that feeling within myself, that I am someone that a guy would want to be with. I am very confident in myself in any situation EXCEPT a social/dating type situation, I’m trying to figure out why I can’t manage to be confident in this area of my life.

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