The Guide to Turning Them Off

We’ve all been there. Someone approaches us at a party, their eyes go all neon “F-u-c-k   m-e,   p-l-e-a-s-e.” They hang onto us. They flirt. They harass. Most importantly, they annoy. Oh, fuck, do they annoy.
And sometimes it seems that no matter how you try, they just don’t get the fucking hint.
Maybe you need to actively cause them to be disinterested in you. Here are some tried and true methods:

  • Whenever they try to make you laugh, snort. Loudly.
  • Every time he says something about his life, say, “Oh, my ex-boyfriend did that, too. Funny.” Sigh, shake your head, and insert negative factoid, ie: “I still have the restraining order.”
  • The all-time “a”-list: Spill your drink on them, and don’t offer to help clean it up. (Give yourself 5 points if you’ve spilled your drink on someone you actually liked, and still managed to seduce them for that first time that very same night. Fun, huh?)
  • Roll your eyes. Often. Dramatically. And if you need more, scoff quietly and shake your head after you roll your eyes. Snicker if necessary.
  • Men, you can just simply stare at her breasts. Paste a little grin on and just look at the twins, and every time she asks you a question, stay with the twins and just nod or shake your head, still grinning. Warning: This approach could incur the wrath of the slap.
  • Girls, you can just look at his crotch, gush, and say, “Aww. It looks so cute. Reminds me of my brother.”
  • Lean into them, sniff, and say, “What’s that smell?” Just like grade school? Yep! And just as fun!
  • Mention casually that, “My therapist wants to increase our sessions, and maybe my meds, too.” Now twitch.
  • Cock your head to the side and ask, “Have you been saved yet?” (My favourite answer: “No, just discounted.”)
  • Query them, “Do I smell funny to you? I’ve been having a persistent personal odour issue, and I’m hoping I may have finally found a remedy.”
  • “Did you know that your aura has three sub-categories?”
  • And there’s always my favourite, the classic “Fuck you. Now go away.”
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It’s a shame that more people don’t have fun actively causing the opposite sex to be disinterested. It’s really quite enjoyable. Plus, you save them the hassle of being interested in you. Life’s easier for all, and you get the fun therapy that comes from being a blatant dick/twat for a limited time.
What more can you really ask for?

10 thoughts on “The Guide to Turning Them Off

  1. jenjen

    I know this isn’t relevant to this particular entry, but I was wondering what ever happened to part three of the saga of J?

  2. Simply Her

    oh I definately have to try some of those sometimes. I definately could of used these on my stalker last year. Hm.
    Sorry for the lack of comments lately, I’ve disappeared but now I’m back. <3

  3. chunu

    Then there’s the alternate scenario of you are attracted to someone but don’t want to come across as one of the abovementioned fuckwits and suppress suppress suppress.

    Oh, if only they had self confidence drugs that didn’t get you too off your face like alcohol.

  4. Adz

    Sounds like an awful lot of hassle as opposed to just saying, ‘dude/babe fuck off!’

    Although I like the spilling drink scenario. I onced tipped a glass of champers over a rather fine gal and yet she still came back for more?????

  5. scribe called steff

    JenJen — Don’t I SUCK? I know! I know! I need to WRITE it still. These days, I’m swamped with real life, and I do have some paying writing opportunities that do NOT include the likes of The Saga of J, so I’ve not felt pressured to write it. I do really mean to write it, and I’m flattered you remember it, so do stay tuned and hopefully soon I’ll force myself to get that accomp[lished.

    From a writing point of view, though, it’s VERY TECHNICALLY CHALLENGING since it’s all from the blindfolded POV, and that’s going to be a really challenging thing to accomplish.

    Honestly? I’m presently hoping to get a guy into my bed to test-run the story on in every way imaginable. But I’ve been too busy/too unlucky/too denied, etc. Heh. Stay tuned, either way.

    JAZZ — It’s never too late. 🙂

    SIMPLY — All cool. It WOULD be useful on a stalker, but since they’re insane anyhow, maybe not. You were likely stuck one way or the other. Welcome back, too. 🙂

    CHUNU — Longtime no see! Ys, if only there were something like alcohol. Heh.

    ADZ — Yeah, hence my “fuck you, now go away.” I actually wrote the above piece when drunk, stoned, and amused, last Saturday night. It was for a giggle more than for advice. I strongly support the “FUCK OFF, you loser” approach, myself, since I’m inherently LAZY.

    Heh.

  6. scribe called steff

    Well, being guilty of skimming a passage is hardly a sin, honey.

    I’m sure we’ll both move past the oversight. Heh.

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