Dear Reader: Go Fuck Yourself

A reader wrote:

Late at night your long-time female partner believes you are alseep and commences to masturbate right there beside you in the cot.

The unmistakable sound of her arousal soon has e breathing heavy, but she’s concentrating so hard she thinks it is snoring coming from my side of the bed.

What should a man do in these circumstances, expecially as she has denied this activity ever took place when challenged previously? Sex life is quite OK, but she obviously wants more and wants it solo.

Should I request she leaves the room to perform this act of self-service?

Signed,
Not Snoring, Breathing Heavy

When your lover’s laying next to you and apparently wants an unmanned journey to The Big O, there are a few questions you need to ask yourself, Mr. NSBH.

  • One, is my sex life as good as I’ve been deluding myself that it is?
  • Two, have I really been honest when talking to my lover about sex?
  • Three, is she comfortable truly telling me her desires?
  • Four, what can I do to have her wanting me to join in?
  • Five, is there something wrong with my approach?

Now, I couldn’t help but notice you said she “denied this activity ever took place when challenged previously.” Allow me to pull a Dr. Phil here and point out your choice of language: “denied” and “challenged.” The tone’s argumentative, and it leads me to suspect you may have dropped the ball when you addressed the issue in the past.

She shouldn’t have been challenged, and shouldn’t have been put in a place of having to “deny” or “admit”. That’s inarguable. Masturbation may not be mentioned by name in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, but I tell you, we’re all entitled, baby, and so is she.

But was she in the right to be doing it right then? Well, that’s the debatable part, and I say no.

If your lover is fucking themselves in bed next to you, there’s really only three ways that goes.

  • One, they want to be discovered because they secretly desire to fuck you.
  • Two, they’re already fucking — with your mind — and are doing it to taunt you.
  • Three, maybe it really is a sudden middle-of-the-night desire and they’re just dealing with it as the situation arises, so to speak.

Situation three seems not to apply to this case in point, since it’s happened on more than one occasion.

Face it: If you’re in bed, masturbating, and your lover’s six inches to your left, you might as well be lying there with a low-wattage neon sign that’s shouting “fuck me now, please.”.

Maybe, though, you’re part of the really ignorant segment of society whereby you feel you have the right to lie next to your partner, masturbate, then tell them you’re not interested in them helping. If so, I got to tell you, you’re a right cunt.

Get out of bed and masturbate someplace where you won’t be fucking with your partner’s head. They deserve that, at the very least.

The fact is, most of us, when faced with someone masturbating by our side, will find ourselves ragingly horny as a result.

If you’re a guy, and your woman is doing this to you, then I say you should try to get in on the act. Personally, I’d welcome it. A middle-of-the-night fuck is always one of my favourite kinds.

Now, don’t be an idiot and start talking to her. You may catch her offguard and shock the mood right out of her. No, better to keep your mouth shut. Just lightly trace a finger up her thigh or gently bite her shoulder. Do not try to get a touchdown by rushing for her genitals. She’s already aroused and they’re hypersensitive. Do a light tracing and guage her reaction.

A quiet moan from her means you’re in. Rub your palm down her, and back up. Maybe find your way to her breasts. If she starts responding more, then continue with the surface play for a little while longer, letting her tell you what to do, while you prolong the tease before delivering. If you do things right, you’ll either go down on her or enter her, depending on what she wishes, since this particular session ought to be all about her, since she’s generously allowing you along for the ride.

If she’s not interested in you joining — she gasps, grumbles, or just suddenly stops and rolls over — then you need to have a conversation in the morning, but save your pride and roll over for now.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with masturbating when you’re in a relationship. I think it’s fine. It’s better if you have a healthy sex life and let your partner help you, but it’s not a death knell. But no lover gets carte blanche. You do not get to lie in bed next to your lover, fuck yourself, and tell them essentially to fuck themselves when they want to be fucking you in your moment of fuck-worthiness.

It just ain’t right. You want to do self-service? Then do it where you’re by yourself.

After all, Elvis said it best, baby. Don’t be cruel.