My Take on The Fuckable Friend

I was asked a while back to address the issue of The Fuckable Friend. You’ve been friends for years. You tell each other everything. Now it seems like sex could be a fun indoor sport to play with each other. And hey, with winter coming on, don’t we all need more of those?
We’ve all had those friendships — the ones where innuendo comes up far too often for our comfort. But it’s just so darn fun, that innuendo.
I personally have always caused grief in my friendships that way. I really enjoy the toying, but it’s become a problem a few times in the past. It has never worked out, regardless of how great the sex was. (And it always was. Can’t beat “friend sex.”)
The important thing about fucking a friend is this: If it works, are you ready for a commitment?
Fact is, if the sex is on, the friendship is on, then you’ve got no excuse to avoid a commitment, have you? What a great predicament to be in… a fuckworthy friend you can tolerate in the morning. Stop the presses. Ride that ride a while and see where it takes you.
One of the wonderful things about having sex with a friend is that you’ll be able to laugh about it without having to apologize. You have that synergy where you’re both in on the joke. The thing that sex with a friend always tends to offer is the ability to have fun and be intimate simultaneously while fucking.
“Yeah, but isn’t that what having sex is?” Well, most of the time, not really. How many of us can truly say we’ve been involved with our best friend? It’s a pretty rare experience. But sex with friends offers that rare look at true fun intimacy.
If you can get over how fucking weird it is to be schtupping your friend, that is.
Odds are, you’ve had all those great accidental “friend” moments. The bad burps, the stupid things said, the idiocy displayed, the utter humiliation, the total hurt. And it was always okay, easy to handle, ‘cos you were always just friends. It was voluntary.
Now, though… choice is the first thing to go. It becomes obligation, and that can be a real problem. You sit there and think, “Oh, I wouldn’t be that petty.” It ain’t petty, it’s human nature. Few of us are conditioned to like other people having any control over our lives. It’s asking a lot.
Let’s put this simply: It’s really, really, really hard finding good friends… And it’s so fucking easy to lose a lover… But loving a friend can be a truly awesome experience, and sometimes that’s worth the risk.
If you’re gonna take that risk, you need to be able to commit to ‘em if it works out. Otherwise, you’ll not only lose a lover, but a friend. Will I fuck a friend again? Current selection, no. But I wouldn’t rule the behaviour out in the future, either. Will not rule it out.
It’s always been fun, and the friends I’ve lost, well, one is regrettable. The others are still worth a smile. Good people, but expendable. Incredible sex.
There aren’t many friendships able to overcome a not-right-for-a-relationship, but-let’s-still-be-friends foray into fucking. Most of the ones that do try to resume the friendship will invariably realize how strange it has become after the sex. You don’t feel comfortable talking about crushes, you avoid movies with sex scenes in them, you get awkward talking about physical problems. It’s a lesser, less fulfilling version of your old relationship, fraught with stilted strangeness and abbreviated exchanges.
The few and the far between are in fact able to transcend all that shit and become stronger friends as a result of it. What lucky bastards.
Do you fuck your friend? Your call. Your gamble. If you secretly think, “I bet she’d still be fun in five years, and man, I never get sick of hanging around her…” then maybe sex might be the way to get something real started.
Or it might just be a great lay.
Just so long as you know the cost.
I’m sure that if I asked, my wonderful readers could share some of their experiences on the matter with you, as well. Have at ‘im, kids.

27 thoughts on “My Take on The Fuckable Friend

  1. kathy

    I tried it, too. I don’t regret it a single bit because it was the best of everything–sex, passion, friendship, fun, finding your soul-mate. But once it got more emotional, I think by natural instinct we started pulling away. Now circumstances dictate that we can’t stay together and it’s so hard for both of us. We are still very close, but it’s ending. And our friendship is irreversably changed. Matured, perhaps, but the innocence and freedom of the perfect friendship is gone. There are some things we don’t discuss anymore, since we don’t want to hurt each other.
    It was one of the best times of my life, and will always be. That’s why I have no regrets even as my heart is breaking.
    If I had the choice now, I would do it all over again.

  2. Michelle

    Not a good idea if you want to stay friends.
    Unless you really think it’s worth it.
    I did it….friendship ruined.

  3. me

    Fucking your friends is one thing, but fooling around with your roommates is another. Learn by my example and do not mess around when your names are on the lease!

    I’m currently shagging a friend of mine, and let me tell you, it is incredible! The only buzzkill is that he’s back in my hometown, 700 miles away. That, however, is also a good thing, because it keeps any weird attachment issues at bay. At least for the moment;)

  4. Mr. W

    I would agree with NOT fucking a close friend. However, “associates” are definitely fair game. I’ve had a few “friends” – more like party pals who were fun to go out with. You get a little fuck on and all is well. You know they are fucking a couple other people casually as well, and so are you and all is good. The idea being you have a small pool of people you can trust, and who are cautionary as you are. You aren’t great friends, but have a light bond. Over time you go your own way and they go thiers. No biggie. But all that isn’t quite the same as fucking a real friend, which I just can’t reccomend.

  5. Innocuous Male

    I’ve done it, as I posted about in my blog recently.

    I think it was still the best sexual relationship I’ve ever been involved in. I’m still friends with her to this day, but distance keeps us from communicating often.

    Love your blog…

    🙂

  6. scribe called steff

    Innocuous — I popped in for a quick look, but didn’t get to your friends-fucking piece, but I’ll return. Thanks for the compliment. Glad your sojourn into the land of sex with buddies worked out nicely.

    W — Yes, establishing the difference between “friends” and “associates” would have been wise. I don’t have a lot of associates right now, just friends, hence why I won’t fuck them.

    CamoGirl — Yes, sex with a live-in is unwise! Not good. The 700 miles away thing, though, that’s cool. ‘cept for the in-between no-sex periods. Mmf. Waiting sucks.

    Michelle — You’re in good company. Many people have had the same failed experience. Sorry. 🙁

    Kathy — Way to roll that dice & live with it. Right on. Too bad it’s going away, but at least you got to take the ride.

    Satisfier — Another case in point. Too bad for you. Goes that way.

  7. Anonymous

    It’s a minefield, but it brings the friendship to a new level of intamacy. Like you said, that’s another thing to deal with, but it can be done.

    Nice blog, Steff.

  8. Anonymous

    Once you reach a certain age, it can be as close to perfect sex as you can have outside a marriage. Both of us have been friends since we were very young, our families were quite close – and were friends as couples until we lost our spouses.

    After a few months of just talking, and agreeing we could never be a true couple, we sort of fell into it. We used to engage in play sex in our pre-teen years, but as we approached our teens became more aware that as opposite-sex friends, we had to establish boundaries.

    One evening, about 4 years ago, as we were reminiscing, we started talking about our sex lives (which we both felt had been quite good in both cases), and wondered aloud if we could ever have the same kind of intimacy again. It became clear to both of us that, between ourselves, we had something unique, even if it was not romantic.

    It was not long before we tried what we called “just recereational sex”.

    Well, it turned out to be great for both of us, much to our surprise. We still get together frequently, and every month or so our get togethers have a sexual element. She is much more adventurous than I am, and so it has been very exciting for me, being exposed to sexual acts I would never have imagined with my wife, and I’m feeling more energized than I have in many years.

    And we’re still the best of friends. The most difficult part is maintaining discretion, appearances for our kids and mutual acquaintences, of which there are many. Neither of us want any of them to know about this.

    Any others out there with a similar experience?

  9. Anonymous

    I’ve always had a rule: either we are friends or lovers. No in-between. And the reason for that rule is that I know friends make the best lovers, hands down. But with that WILL COME committment. Listen to the lady. It will happen gradually, silently. You might even think you’ve got a handle on it. But next thing you know, it’s one year later and you’re in a relationship. Yes, I am speaking from experience. haha Now, it’s not my most regretable decision, love the guy to death, but it’s ending is known.

  10. Anonymous

    Not schlepping. That would be carrying your friend, as in luggage. Perhaps you mean schtupping?

  11. Prospero

    If you like the innuendo and the friendship, you don’t do it. It would be like “Moonlighting” after Bruce and Cybil went too far. NO FUN. It’s not worth the risk. On the other hand… I’ve done it and it was a wonderful, wonderful time.

  12. scribe called steff

    This is all so confusing when everyone’s Anonymous.

    You know, people, you could enter “She of No Name” or “He of Anonymity” or something that could at least distinguish you from the Shakespearean fold of “Anons”.

    So, from my last comment:
    ANON #1: Thanks.

    ANON #2: Let’s hope you get comments on your issue. Sometime I may post it for discussion, but then again, I may not. I have Absolute Power! Mouahah. I’m glad it’s working out for you, but good luck with the discretion. When/If they find out, that’s a whole lot of pressure to conform that’ll come tumbling down on you. Good luck.

    INNOCUOUS: As I mentioned on your blog, I enjoyed the distinction between Fuck Buddies and Friends with Benefits. Excellent. 🙂

    ANON #3: Yes, that Creeping Commitment is a bitch. Let me tell you! Too bad it kaputed on you.

    ANON #4: Oh, Schtupping. Yes. I shall EDIT. Being a total goyim, Yiddish clearly isn’t my strong suit. But Yiddish rocks. I aspire to be less goy. Heh.

    PROSPERO: Yes, tricky, eh? I love the innuendo, love the sex, just hate the complications. Damn those complications!

  13. little pink girlie

    My best friend and I have tried dating twice; the incidences were 4 years apart.

    The first time, we had crushes on each other and actually started dating before fooling around. Then he got WAY more attached than I did and I felt smotherd – had to break it off. We remained best friends, talking about anything and everything – we were happy.

    Four years later (and after a surgery to his… *whistles*), we were testing ‘it’ out to see if ‘it’ could handle sex – and if he still felt the same sensations as pre-surgery.

    Funny thing is that during the sex we started talking about daily life – kinda to take the pressure offa him worrying about if it didn’t feel the same – and ended up laughing our heads off! It was kinda weird, because people usually don’t chit-chat during sex, but it was totally fun too, because there was no pressure.

    So it turned out the equiptment still worked and we fell into the dating cycle again. It lasted a few months and then we went back to best friends – again by my doing – because I felt smothered.

    We talk to each other a billion times a day on the phone (we’re in different states) and people ask us why we’re not together or married yet. If he wasn’t so smothery, which is in his nature, I’d SO be all over him. :o\

    Steff – I guess I’m one of those lucky bastards that can get away with returning to friendship levels after sex (although it hasn’t been a 100% success rate). It’s usually the boy who stays attached and I feel too smothered or get bored. Man, that sounds horrible! :o(

  14. Philip Clark

    Hello, I just found your blog.

    Most of my best friends are women I slept with the night we met. I think the best way for a man and a woman to be close friends is to sort out the sexual issues right away. That way you never have to worry about sexual tension popping up down the road.

    As far as fooling around with your roommates goes… having an in-house makeout buddy is awesome.

    P.S. I like the quotation on your sidebar.

  15. scribe called steff

    Heh, thanks for the insights, Philip.

    I own the Maltese Falcon on DVD, and if I find a good line in a film, I write it down right away. I’ve always loved that line. It’s just wonderful.

    Pink — You lucky bastard! 🙂

  16. Mind Maelstrom

    Hooked up with my best friend 3 years ago after much resistance (he was very persistant)… We’re still together so I guess I can’t complain 😀 but I did think it was a terrible decision before I took the chance.
    Glad to see you’re keeping up the good work, Steff. I never got to read the end of the saga of Jay, but I plan to remedy that immediately :).

  17. scribe called steff

    The Saga of J WILL be completed… eventually, it’s bound to hit. I’ve never been this blocked in trying to tell a story, and I don’t want to force it. Please be patient. I’m working on it. 🙂

  18. test driven model

    I seem to be a serial best friend fucker….
    There is probably a cool psychological term for it, but I doubt there is a term for what always seems to happen next.
    My friend/lover, breaks my heart. Then directly after, meets the man of their dreams and marries him.
    So my sex life has been either friend turned lover turned X-married-“friend”, or I end up getting busy on one of the first dates and it ends soon after.

    This began in college. My best friend in senior year and I have a one night stand after she breaks up with her bo. Deep down I knew it was a bad idea. I knew this was a rebound romp, but being young, dumb and full of cum I did it. After a few weeks of me trying to recapture her sexual attention, she begins to date a fellow classmate. The next year they are married.
    Next I start working and find this hot coworker and I seem to have lots in common. We start hanging out and it’s really cool. I decide to quit to travel, and suddenly we are in bed. It was great. She even got laid off while I was abroad and joined me. Traveling is tough with a new lover. Fortunately our friendship really pulled us through. Soon after our return to the states, she breaks my heart. A few weeks later as I am picking up the last of my stuff, I try and give her a birthday present. Her resistance to seeing me is odd enough I go over and know on the door only to meet her new bo. 10 years later they married.
    A few years later I meet a friend of a friend. I help her move to town. She and I start hanging out going to gigs. And really become good friends. One night we are out and drinking. We come back to my place and get really hammered. Then I offer up the couch and the next thing I know I’m waking up next to her hung over as all hell. We were both ashamed, and should have let it go at that. Even though neither of us could remember it, once that cherry is popped, there is no going back. So we proceeded to lovers. It was pretty good, but she soon decided it was time for kids and marriage. She knew I didn’t want kids, and I reaffirmed it for her. So she kicked me to the curb. A month or so later she was dating another friend of a friend. A year later they were pregnant and married.
    Next, my first best friend and her hubby were on the skids, and she and I rekindled our friendship. I even became great friends with her husband. Well, kinda of a sucky friend, as his wife and I started an affair. But that was never my intention. In fact, I expected to cut free again after the first time. Well it lasted over about a year. It appeared to have a good affect on the marriage at the time, but I guess it was just masking deeper problems. She told me she was falling in love with me. I was complete in love too. And she divorced her hubby. It was very amicable. Then she kicked me to the curb. The next man she dated, became husband #2. As an interesting note. I am good friends with this one too. And maybe more on topic is the fact the neither of her husbands have the things in common with her that we shared as best friends. I did take many years to get over the heart break and re-establish contact. Mostly though help from her sister.
    I moved to a new town. Ran into a girl I knew from school, and started hanging out. We would shoot pool and goto gigs. She had recently lost her best friend in an auto accident. So I felt a little like the surrogate that never quite lived up to the guy who died. I guess that made it easier to get into bed. We were in love and shacked up for 6 years. We had so much in common by 3 years in we were stagnant, but still best friends. Both not looking for marriage or kids. Or at least that is what we believed at the time. We let this this hang on for so long. Partly because I believed if I couldn’t make it with someone so well suited, how could I ever be happy. It ended without fanfare and was a great relief. She met a fellow a few months later and they are married and talking about kids. When questioned, she tells me that she will “take one for the team” when it comes to kids. As her lover, I could never get her to admit to this, but as a friend it was so easy to see.
    So anyway, I’m probably not alone, but I think I have learned my lesson. At least for the foreseeable future. Stay away from those best friends.
    My next foray into regular dating, got me hooked up with this lovely woman that never fails to make me smile. She is a great friend, but was not a best friend. I decided this time to not let her marry someone else, and married her.

    Steff, your blog is great. Sorry to ramble. I hope it helps someone out there……

  19. Anonymous

    Anonymous from Planet Earth

    The idea of a fuckable friend will certainly appeal to any male or female. The synergy as you mention will be great fun on all aspects. However, if one of the people concerned is married and the other is involved in an ongoing relationship would it not make their lives overly complicated not to mention the potential emotional trauma it would cause their respective partners should they become aware of their ‘fucking’?

    If the ‘fuckable friends’ are both single and not committed to anyone else then they can do whatever they like with their lives without fear of having any repercussions on others.

    The problem with ‘secret’ relationships is that they will not be secret for very long. As the ‘fuckable friends’ go on with this kind of sexual relationship soon one will expect more from the other. And that will be disaster. Moreover, other people will notice the little things that do not ‘normally’ exist in a ‘just friends’ relationship.

    In the first place, if they have known each other for years and find one another interesting enough to sustain the friendship then decide to get sex into the equation then is that not reason enough to get married? Maybe the friend is only fuckworthy and not someone the other can rely on, or does not provide a constant in their lives, or is not someone they wish to wake up with everyday of his/her life????

    I agree with you Steff – one should think a million or more times before fucking a friend – does the friendship matter or does the novelty of having sex with a friend matter more? Be very sure you know what you value the most.

  20. The King Of Friend Fucks

    i have fucked eleven of my friends. two of whom were over periods longer than two years. even shared a threeway with two of them.

    still friends with ten of them. and the odd one out is just odd.

    i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again – i am THE KING of friend fucking.

    i guess i’m lucky that i can see sex as like catching a movie together or something.

    don’t know what that says about me and sex or anything, but fuck it – it’s a great trade off for having all that awesome friend sex with people i really like.

  21. Dmonyar

    Fucking your friend is a dicey game. I did for about two years almost every Monday night when my SO thought I was bowling. It was bowling alright and the first year was great. I mean some of the hottest, sweatiest sex in my entire life. During one episode, we had just really gotten into it and the phone rang. I told her to answer it while I fucked her, wow, what a rush. Here I am just going to town dick harder than a tree stump when finally she told the guy she would have to call him back. We had fun with that and to this day I remind her how hot that was… She and I are still friends, but there is a distance now that I cannot explain. It’s almost like you know, but you are afraid to ask… Moral: Don’t fuck your friends if the price for doing so means that you are really not friends any more.

  22. baby221

    See, the idea of not fucking your best friend strikes me as strange (unless, you know, you’re just not attracted to your best friend). All of my loves have been friends first — I can’t conceive of any other way to find lovers!

    I’ve tried the dating thing and maybe it’s just because it’s so alien to me, but everything feels too cheesy and future-oriented; instead of focusing on having fun now, I tend to pick up signals that he’s thinking about moments not now, moments like “are we going to fuck later?” or “is this The One?” when all I wanna do is have a good time and maybe, if he can behave himself, get to know him better so we can start a proper friendship.

    I can’t exactly say that I’m still best buddies with the guys I used to date, but I’m more inclined to think that it’s got something to do with the fact that I moved across the country and no longer see all but one of them. The one who’s in town — the breakup is still fairly recent (six months ago), but we’re already on the way to being pals again.

    I’m sure this is where a concluding paragraph full of nice summary points should go, but I’ve always been bad at those :p

  23. A Scribe Called Steff

    MORE COMMENTS FROM THIS BLOG’S SECOND INCARNATION, WHERE I REPOSTED THIS:
    1. roni
    Posted January 30, 2007 at 9:38 pm | Permalink | Edit
    I fuck strangers but I wish I could fuck a friend. They’re so hot but everyone is connected friend wise so it wouldn’t go down. Not even secretly. Only if alcohol is involved.
    2. Anonymous
    Posted January 6, 2008 at 1:53 am | Permalink | Edit
    Oh man this just made me sad. Just got out of a 6 month fuckathon with a friend, not sure if i would recommend it. A best friend of 11 years, and definitely the sex of my life. But there comes a point in time where if you’re fucking someone who’s your friend, you stop dating other people because you don’t want your friend to hear about how you were out with other guys (small town yes) and then what if you’re friend agrees it’s amazing and they love you and love spending time with you and then you say I can’t do this, it’s not safe to keep doing this without a committment and you realize they don’t like you enough to commit to you, you are just helping them pass the time until there is someone that they do like that much. and then you have to ask yourself what did i do is it something about me, they Know me. ouch. easy tiger. this shit hurts.
    3. Anonymous
    Posted January 12, 2008 at 12:08 am | Permalink | Edit
    that last comment just made me cry. and realize how much i truly do care for the “friend” ive been sleeping with for 8 (count ‘em) months. thick and thin and everything. knock down drag out fights that always end up in a kiss (and a fuck) and a make up. you’re right. this shit hurts. but hurts so good sometimes, too.

  24. roberta

    ive got a fuck buddy 4 the first time. known the guy 4 eleven yrs. think that were friends makes the sex better. my problem with the situation is i cant seem to b happy with it being just casual. whats messin with me is everybody around him sys he cares more than hes letting on but is scared to go nxt step. things he says and does shows he cares. how does one handle a situation like that?

  25. AJ

    It depends if things are discussed beforehand. I mean if the 2 of you are on the single page, it doesn’t have to be awkward, it just a matter of not falling in love, that is the big issue.
    If the friendship is ruined…well, it was for a good “cause” at least.

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