Being Good But Behaving Badly

Despite the onslaught of winter here in Vancouver, I took a nice long bike ride by the river yesterday, capitalizing on the selfdom-seen sunshine while I could. On my way back through the industrial lands along the river, a large delivery truck passed me by. Its paintjob dominated by dirt, I saw a message scrawled into the caked-on dirt on the back door:
“Wish my girl was this dirty.”
I had a great laugh as I continued peddling my way home, but it left me thinking about the dualities that every lover should have, but that many don’t. In writing about something similar not too long ago, I said, “When it comes to the bedroom, I’m able to balance being sensual, doting, and romantic with being pretty wicked and dominant when I feel like it. Sex is supposed to embrace all aspects of our personalities, and it’s the one time in our lives when we really have the chance be the person from our fantasies.”
If I can get personal for a moment, I suspect I can break down the evolution of a lover as it should happen for most people, and did happen for me.
As a kid, I was raised Catholic. My parents felt the religion was important, but as with anything in my life, when I believe something, I believe it with a zealous passion. By the time I was seven or eight, I was taking the priest’s sermon and teaching it to the athiest kids in the neighbourhood. At about nine years old, I was seriously thinking I should be a nun when I grew up. Seriously.
Like I said, passionate. In my mid-teens, a few things happened that made me realize that I might believe in the principles of the church, but that the folks who ran it were pissing me off. It didn’t take me long to walk away from it, and within a couple years I began learning about other faiths and realized we’re all in this together. I lost my dogma, and just kept the ethics.
As a result, though, I grew up with a lot of really religious takes on sex. For me, it was a sin. I never had sex until I was 18, and I felt wrong about it for the first two years. It wasn’t fulfilling, not really, despite my enjoying it, because I felt like I was going to be judged by a higher power or something. Around 20, I met a guy who introduced me to bondage, and I lost a few hang-ups then, but I really never got past myself until my mid-20s.
In my late 20s, I took an extended break from sex while I Dealt With Shit, but slowly began to realize I’d been cheating myself and depriving myself. I realized that I’m by nature a very mischevious person, and a person who needs that intimacy in order to feel whole. Why did that never translate to the bedroom, I wondered? Why was I so repressed and such a good-girl lover when I knew I could sometimes be oh-so-very-bad? I decided to force myself to try out the role of the “bad girl” and see what it did for me.
What it did, was get me off. What it also did, was get my lover sizzling hot. That look in his eyes told me he wanted to devour me whole, then and there. I’d never seen such unbridled passion, though I’d always had a fulfilling sex life. What next, though, I wondered? Would he treat me different? Were we going to have a weird situation after this? I realized that depended on me. Would I act normal when it was all said and done, return to the fun, irreverent Steff I knew myself to be? I had to, I decided. I had to see if I could be both.
I did, and I was. I realized then that the lover I was behind closed doors wasn’t the only person I was at heart. I was both. I was, as they say, every woman. Every woman I wanted to be, I could be. I could be bad in order to be good to my lover, and not have that impact who I was on an ethical level.
This is a dilemma I think a lot of people need to come to terms with — that playing games and being bad in the bedroom doesn’t necessarily reflect who you really are. Living out your fantasy version of you is something that can co-exist with your reality. The trouble is simply getting past whatever moral code it is that we’ve had imprinted on us by a society that doesn’t really get the fact that duplicity isn’t always a bad thing.
Have you managed to get past your hang-ups? How did you do it? If you haven’t, are you trying to? Let’s hear it, folks.

16 thoughts on “Being Good But Behaving Badly

  1. Knattyb

    I can’t really say that I ever had a lot of hang-ups, but now i’m pretty hang-up free.

    It’s funny that you chose to write about this. I can remember not too mlong ago having a post-coitole conversation along the same lines. The sad conclusion that was arrived at was that , in all likelihood, most people out there are not having the sex they want to have. I’ve always felt sexually liberated, and only in the last few months can I say that; and it’s fantastic [gloat].

    My only advice is just the obvious. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, and be honest with yourself. That’s it.

  2. Anonymous

    These are the very reasons I had/have hang ups. But now that I know my new partner thinks of me as a respectable person on the outside (I have a good job, I’m a good mother and I do volunteer work), I’m open to the idea of being bad in the bedroom. But I’ve always been shy and just got out of a really long marriage where it never really sizzled in the bedroom, so now my hang up is not knowing how to start. It feels awkward. Like I don’t know what I’m doing, what I should do, is he going to laugh at my attempt? Am I going to mess it up?
    Do you have any suggestions as to how to “start”?

  3. virgin

    It’s funny. I guess we’re all thinking this. I know where my morals lie. I know what I believe, and I have no interest in changing that. But my hang-ups and my issues are a different story. I’m in the midst of trying to talk my way out of those at the moment. And oddly, to listen my way out of them.

  4. jazz

    i’d like to think i’m dirty in the bedroom but it takes a lot of effort for me. i don’t always feel like putting it all forth…

  5. Grover

    I always kinda liked guys, but never thought I could kiss one (icky!)… that is, until a guy kissed me. In that instant, my hang-up dropped, and I nearly attacked him.

    I still won’t do, as Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City put it, tookus lingus (or, the “TL”). No. No no no no. Icky!

  6. Welshrogue

    You should define ‘dirty’. Dirty can be taken several different ways….. hmm same as Dirty girls I guess *l*. Talking is good, but sometimes, nothing can get past my, I mean, the hangups that people have. Sometimes you just have to work around them. Same as ‘bad”, it can be good or it can be bad… I guess the ultimate would be Dirty AND Bad!!

  7. scribe called steff

    Knatty — I agree, talking’s the best thing you can do. I intend to one day do a series on sex talk, but that’s a ways off. And no, I think most people are indeed NOT having the sex they wish they were having.

    Anonymous — You know what, those are good questions. I don’t expect to appease you with answers right away, but at some point in the not too distant future, I’ll try to come up with a few small tricks you can do to “start.” Let me give that some thought.

    Virgin — Yeah, it’s a struggle balancing desire to play with the desire to remain a good, moral person. Once you realize the two are not linked, once you find a lover who can distinguish between the two, you’ll attain a measure of sexual freedom you didn’t think was possible. Again, I’ll try to come up with tips on how to do that, but it may take awhile.

    Jazz — Yeah, but the choice of lover is EVERYTHING in that instance. If being bad or dirty is something that’s a bit of a stretch for you, then you need to have the support of a non-judgemental lover who’s going to enjoy that side of you while still treating you like the sexy, smart, decent person you are once your clothes are back on.

    Grover — Never saw that episode… Tookus lingus? What’s that, a rim job or something? It’s amazing what ditching a hang-up can do. I actually had a recent experience with losing one particular hang-up that blew my fucking mind, but it’s still too private to share. One day.

    Welsh — I mean in general talking dirty, being suggestive, making yourself available to be used in any fashion the person wants (within reason) and saying all the kinds of things that sometimes get us riled in a way we’re sort of ashamed of. Like I know guys think in terms of “Oh, you like that, you dirty little slut, don’t you?” sometimes and feel badly for thinking it, but what if she volunteered that she was feeling that way? What if she said more things that you never thought you’d hear her say? Sometimes saying things like that can really escalate the mood. Being suggestive like answering the door naked for you, masturbating as you enter the room when you’re least expecting it, all things like that that we associate with more provocative women are things the every day woman can do to tear down walls of repression. That’s sort of what I mean. Not waiting for him to initiate it all.

    I suppose my “how to start being dirty” will be an extension of the “how to get your man rock hard” piece I did a couple weeks ago. I’ll do some scheming. Stay tuned.

    NEXT, though… the long-awaited part three of The Saga of J may appear in time for the weekend. I’m presently working on it. If not then, then soon. Plus, kissing tips.

  8. boo

    mmm loved your post… first time to your blog… loving it…

    i think i have been very lucky… i waited a long time before having sex… and with my first sexual partner… it just worked so well… that i crossed off a lot of things in the first few months… sometimes though… you don’t even realise you have a hang up… till someone asks you to do something… i though love to push my boundaries…

  9. josh williams

    Nice post. I have not and will not for awhile read more of your posts. Time…But I will book mark you and visit thanks so far. How is that for non commital or honest?

  10. chelsea girl

    Steph,

    I’m going to have to be the dubious voice here. I find it unlikely that most people lose sexual hang-ups. I think that sex by its very nature of intertwined complexities of emotional vulnerability, physical exposure, cultural pressures and familial issues pretty much means we all have a hang up or two or dozen.

    That said, these complexities also mean that should we choose to be, we can be infinitely challenged by sex. It can, should we choose to look at it, be a source of exploration of all kinds of issues, and then the hang up is less a negative thing and more a source of inspiration.

    I come at this topic kind of older than your average reader, and as a person who never, ever considered myself anything but sexually free.

    Now, middle-aged and questing, I realize how wrong I was and how much I have to explore.

    (stepping off soap box now).

    Kiss,
    Chelsea Girl

  11. Fishism

    Steff,

    I think the internet is a prime example of what happens to our hang ups once we’re given anonymity, privacy and access to unlimited sexual input. It’s obvious that people are taking the fantasy monster out for a walk more often and, with tools such as a website like this, are learning that they’re not alone in their appetites and private thoughts. Observation, experience and communication are the keys to reducing biases and preconceptions, and speaking for myself, I’ve learned that we’re missing out on so much by keeping private thoughts, well….private. Slowly but surely, our minds are opening.

  12. .

    Dear Steff-
    I love your website, I find it fascinating to hear of your advice for others and I take a lot of it to heart. I must say, that Vancouver is the most beautiful city in the country. I moved just last August to go to a Montreal university and nothing compares to the quirkyness, beauty and mild temper of Vancouver and her inhabitants. I miss Vancouver, and i just thought you should know how much I envy your freedom to express your sensuality, your sexy feminism and your creative entries.
    Thanks.

  13. Anonymous

    Speaking about hang-ups…
    I first had sex when I was 24. Unbelievably late, I know, but I had some things I needed to deal with first.
    My lover was 29 and I adored him for the 5 months we explored each others bodies. He didn’t adore me, unfortunately, and the last time I saw him was the first time he raped me. If you think that a woman who makes it to 24 without enjoying the pleasure that is consensual fucking has hang ups, you can probably imagine what sort of a mess she is after she’s raped by the first guy she trusts to enter her body. Yep, pretty screwed up.
    Thankfully, after a period of all sorts of insane and screwed up thoughts, I realised that consensual fucking is something truly wonderful and that there are some truly fantastically amazing men out there who will allow me to be a slut in the bedroom and a tease out of it, without making me feel like they’re going to do what The Rapist did.
    Thanks all you guys. Treat me nicely and I’ll fuck you twice each day and thrice on Sundays, any way you want. Just wanted to say that.

  14. Anonymous

    Compliments to you on having really intelligent awarenesses of sexuality, and expressing this so eloquently.

    My take on this is that like everything sex can be abused. Being a bad in the bedroom is expressing who you are… wholesomely.

    To me there is a World of difference between “dirty” which is the icky vibe an abuser gives off… to being sexually whomesome and adventurous, which is both great fun and healing too…

    Good morals driving naughty sexual behaviour = fantastic

  15. JohnnieUSA

    Communication is a funny thing. Everyone says talk talk talk. But you have to wonder how much is enough. The answer is always “a little more”, and sometimes you just may need a different medium of communication to achieve that. My wife and I always had fairly open communication. We talked often about many things. From time to time sex was one of those topics. My wife has always been shy about her body, in fact it was a while before she was open enough to have sex without having a blanket covering us because she didnt like me seeing her body. It wasn’t that she didnt want me to see her, she wasnt comfortable with it. Constant positive reinforcement fixes a lot of that. I am in the military and currently deployed(soon to come home though), so sex (apart from the do-it-yourself kind) has been nonexistant for us. The wonderful thing about modern day is e-mail. We have been able to use that as a primary mode of communication. As time has gone by and desires have gone on unfullfilled, we have talked about sex a lot more. She has opened a lot. I guess for her, messages made it a lot easier for her to express the things that she is not comfortable saying out loud. That got us past the “scared of what the other one will think stage”. She is my wife and can tell me anything, and she knows that. But still, everyone has that fear of “You want to do what?!?!” coming from their lover. They fear that an alienating will occur. From time to time she sends me some messages of things that she has been thinking about and wants to try. Thats great. She even tries to think up some wild stuff that she doesnt think I would like. The key to that is, even if it is something that you dont think you would like, never turn around say “hell no” or “F@CK that”. Once you do that everything you have worked for up to that point will be shot to hell. A good way to handle it is to ask questions about it if you arent comfortable with it, and try to find a middle ground. I told her that if I truly love her, and she loves me, than anything we do together in our private life isnt wrong if we are doing to enjoy ourselves. For some people there is a line that they will not cross, things that they will not do, so if your partner does flat out refuse something, dont take it personally. So for people like us who were trying to open up or trying to open their partner up, try asking them to write them a story. Even if it is something soft and sweet it is a start. Even if that isnt what you are after soft and sweet is great. We write each other “stories” all the time and see if there is anything that catches the others eye. Worked for us. Hope that helps someone.

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