A Case for More Communication

Still not convinced that better communication will up the sexual ante? All right, then read on.
Imagine you get a job. You’re excited about it. It’s dynamic, exciting. Oh, the possibilities, you think. So, you show up, wing it, and you think, “Hey, it’s okay, after I’ve been here and they’ve seen what my stuff is, they’re gonna wanna invest in me. They’ll want to really school me and get me groomed for something better. I’m a contributor. Yeah, they’ll tell me what they really want, when they’re ready to.”
And the management’s over there, across the way. “Wow, you know, he may have something to offer. Hmm. We could use someone like that around here. I know what we’ll do. We’ll wait. When he’s ready to know more, he’ll come to us. Then we’ll really know he’ll be able to deliver. We’ll let him… acclimatize, for now. I mean, hey, he’s doing just fine for now.”
Trouble is, “for now” doesn’t have a shelf life. Do you know when “for now” expires? I sure don’t. And “just fine,” well, it never really makes the cut, does it?
The employee in this scenario? Fucked. Rightly. Right fucked. Why? Pretty simple. Without clear direction, without a clear understanding of how he should perform his duties, he will never have the confidence to take risks that might better his performance, he’ll never really know where he stands, and he’ll never put his all into it. Worse yet, he won’t know how to do his job better, nor what management desires him to do.
If you have a relationship where you’re not telling each other how to satisfy you, you’re going to be like the players above. As a receiver, you’ll be the management — getting loyal, dedicated service that suggests potential and even possibly alludes to brilliance, but always somehow slightly misses the mark, or even worse yet, is highly inconsistent because the areas of excellence go unspoken.
As the giver, you’re just a lowly employee, and you’ll never really know what your strengths or weaknesses are, nor what areas the management perceives most essential to get done. You might just never really know what you should deliver, and maybe, just maybe, you won’t ever really fill the order, if you know what I’m saying.
So, if you manage to get things sorted and discussed, here’s what I propose: Bi-weekly run-downs. Or however often you might enjoy a performance review. Have a conversation over dinner — a private dinner — and discuss the things you’ve enjoyed, the things you’re feeling more of a craving for these days.
Sex is so much like food it’s crazy. We all have cravings, and many of us go through a two-week period where we’re eating Chinese every couple days. Well, maybe sex doggy style’s fitting the bill this week. It’d be nice to share that, wouldn’t it?
We foolishly seem to talk about fantasies only in absolutes. I’d frickin love a Mercedes conververtible from the late ’60s, y’know, but this week I’ve been feeling a little more like taking the bus since the weather’s so dodgy and the traffic so frantic. We go through flavour stages, and it’s there in our sex lives, too, but often in such small, almost inconsequential ways that we often sooner ignore it than address it.
This conversation doesn’t need to be clinical. In fact, I say nay to that notion altogether. I say make it dirty, irreverent, sexy, fun, coy, suggestive, romantic, passionate, perfunctory, whatever gets your rocks off. I say do it over a decadent meal you cook together, and then eat it together in various states of undress with a fine bottle of red wine. (May I suggest throwing some really suggestive footsy into the under-table games? Footsy may not be the most sexually satisfying act, but Jesus, it’s erotic, isn’t it? Mm!) Or skip the food and sit naked on the couch, sipping wine, as you perform demonstrations on each other’s body of what it is you’re discussing / wanting.
You get the idea. Play with it. Play is fun. Play doctor like you did in the bushes as a kid. Hmm. I wonder how T’s doing these days, anyhow. Been a while. Ah, nostalgia.
Anyhow, there’s a New Year’s Resolution for the couples in my audience. Periodical sex reviews. No negatives — only constructive criticism, but really, really try to focus on positives, and try to go with the moment. And never, ever shy away from demonstration… or narration. And if you narrate, be suggestive and coy — this can really add a little of the sizzle bang-bang I’m always talking about.
“And his hand traipses delicately down her torse, lingering over her honeypot… And oh, its owner notices that she has begun to…”

8 thoughts on “A Case for More Communication

  1. figleaf

    This is such good advice, Steff. You’re becoming a queen of relationship communication advocacy. Thanks.

    I’ve just been reading The Ethical Slut and your words resonate very nicely with the authors’.

    I particularly appreciate your office analogy.

    Take care,

    figleaf

  2. ZGD63

    I’m glad to see you’re writing regularly again. I’m a big fan of your style.

    Steff…do we ever find what we are looking for and if found, do we truly stop and appreciate it without imposing more conditions?

    Best wishes for 2006.

  3. scribe called steff

    Thanks for the compliments, Fig & Z.

    Z– Geez, what do I look like, Bono? Heh. I have not found what I’m looking for. I wonder if I ever will. I don’t think it’s an issue of whether you find what you’re looking for… but rather, whether what you find remains right for you as you grow and change over the course of time. I mean, none of us reaches a maturation point and then just STAYS there until the end of our lives… we’re constantly changing and becoming new people.

    So, I think we find what we quest for, but do they change and grow with us? If not, then maybe a new search needs to begin.

    I have no idea about the appreciation / imposition stuff — that’s for each person to decide. I think no relationship deserves to have conditions, but that each party much have understandings they have about their role and their partners’.

    But there are people who just never appreciate what they happen on. And there are those who react badly, and when they get what they’ve been looking for, somehow feel it’s no longer right for them, because if they’ve found it/got it, then it’s not that exotic dream they had before — now it’s reality, now it’s undesireable. It’s like the John Cusack character says in High Fidelity, that you fall for these chicks and you see these lacey, sexy undies, but then you start getting regular with the chick or living with her, and you see those sexy undies are only for special occasions, or they’re being used to sucker you in… the real-life undies are the little cotton jobs. Know what I mean? What we want isn’t always realistic, so when we get it, we’re left unsatisfied, even though we’re getting exactly what we want.

    I could’ve probably thought this out better, but I’m sitting around with a flu and with back agony, so I really couldn’t care less about whether I’m making much sense… ALL I WANT IS A MASSAGE AND A MUSCLE RELAXER. But you think I’m getting what I want? Heh!

    Thanks on the best wishes 2006 thing — I suspect the year will begin better than this one is ending. Groan!

  4. Walking Wounded

    I think you are on to something here. Sex surveys whether with a partner or just personal reflection are a good idea for people of all ages.

    Being 30, I can look back at my own sexual growth through the many experiences (both positive and negative/humorous) and chuckle at the thought of what was going through my mind at that period in time sexually speaking. Every guy wants to be great, right? But how do people get great at sex? Does mere practice make perfect or should we ask somebody? Jeez, who do I ask? LOL

    I would meet a new sex partner and say to myself, “wow, she’s really good at *fill in the blank*.” Then I’d wonder how she got so good at it. Who taught her how to do that? All guys must’ve had the notion pass through their minds briefly that all of their partners were SELF taught. LOL

    Having traveled to different countries and seeing first hand how sex is treated as both an act and a subject for discourse I think we here in America are still being burdened from attitudes of decades past. I feel that the fairly recent surgence of conservativism may be to blame. Perhaps, partly to blame.

    It seems people are all about getting back to wholesome values. That’s fine. But it has affected the way we communicate publicly and prvately about sex. Not profane sex but healthy sex amongst adults. Of course, this type of thing makes its way from the public domain back to the bedroom. Call it a trickle-down theory of sorts.

    Being able to talk frankly, sexually, raunchy – whatever you want to call it – is very helpful with your partner. You need not try to become fluent in “smut-talk.” By all means though use your language to the fullest! Being able to tell a partner to touch, lick, pull, grab, suck, what have you, where you would like to be is very powerful in the bedroom. And you can make it sound like a sonnet or dialogue from your favorite porn movie. Either way, it is healthy and can solve a lot of problems people experience.

    After all, conservatives are all for saving marriages. Sexual communication is a wonderful way to start.

    Peace

    P.S. Sorry I’ve been a lurker for so long, lot’s of stuff happening. Glad to see your articles haven’t lost their vitality and edge! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  5. Fire Goddess

    I really enjoyed this AM with my love JD – stop by if you get a chance – I guarantee it’s hot

  6. scribe called steff

    Walking Wounded — See, it’s that “healthy sex amongst adults” that I’m so often talking about, because at heart, I’m fairly conservative. I’m not promiscuous, I haven’t amassed a large number of partners, and sleeping with someone is still something I wrack my brain about, because I’m not willing to just give it up because there’s nothing better on TV or anything. I’ve had to deal a lot with people placing stereotypes on me that, because I’m so interested in sex, I’m somehow amoral as a result. I was recently rejected for funding from a Christian-based group in regards to a certain project because of this blog. And I have to wonder why? What’s so offensive that I’ve spoken of? There’s only one account I’ve ever related to my own private life, and that’s the Saga of J, which is from more than a decade ago.

    We’re so fucking scared to talk about sex because we’ll be stereotyped, so everyone blushes and keeps it to themselves. I’m tired of it, really, really tired of it. Instead, we’re willing to sit back and watch as the numbers of divorces skyrocket, and pretend that marriage is still some sanctimonious act, but in reality, we’re disrespecting it more than ever. The two main causes for divorce? Sex and money — both issues that can be resolved with a little more action and a lot more talk, but fat chance that’s gonna happen if we continue along with our heads up our asses.

    Oh, my, I guess I’m feeling a little incediary this afternoon. Must be my fever. ๐Ÿ™‚ I miss your comments! You always have such valuable things to say.

    Fire — Urm, okay.

    Virgin — Here’s hoping this is your year.

    Shamus — Why, thank ye.

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