Words, words, words: To Speak or Not to Speak?

At 1:27 am I turned the television off and found myself alone in the dark. It had been a long time since I’d last just sat there in that darkness, that silence. The day had been long, frenetic, and while good as a whole, was the kind of day that prevents you from getting the shit that needs doing done.
Suddenly, silence. Calm. Through my large sliding glass doors, the clouds have that murky coral-tinted charcoal look of a dreary winter night. But the city behind that glass is absolutely silent.
Know that old joke, why do you keep hitting yourself in the head with a hammer? Because it feels so good when it stops, the guy responds. This was one of those moments. The throbbing concussive pain that has been my life of late had momentarily ceased to be.
My head-hitting has all been of the cerebral sort, though, of late. My mind’s been in overdrive and I’ve had no outlet for it. I’ve actually been writing some of late, I should confess. It’s been the literary equivalent of the quickie. Fast’n’dirty, when time permits. Stolen moments, hoarded words.
I’ve yet to go back and read any of it. Tomorrow, today rather, is a day off. My plans include laziness and self-indulgence, perhaps self-pleasure. That’s a double-entendre, kids, since sitting around and reading your own work is about as intellectually masturbatory as anything can get.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching about this sex writing gig of late, folks. I’ve had cause to do so. A recent opportunity arose in which I could try to do a certain quantity of writing in a certain form for certain people who happened to be of a certain religious persuasion. The opportunity would essentially mean I would receive a stipend weekly, with guidance provided in order to aid me in being completely self-sufficient (read: no more corporate whoring) over the next year. The only stipulation? Certain envelopes being pushed would constitute my possibly being uninvited from the party, and the cash cow going bye-bye. (IE: Big Brother and censorship rear their ugly heads once again.)
For a few days, I held off on writing or posting on here, the very politically incorrect “Cunt,” because I wanted to toe that line. I wasn’t sure whether it was in search of simply getting money for doing what I wanted to do, or simply “holding back” with the same goal in mind. Holding back, I can handle that, I thought. It’s not like I really take it all that far, I thought.
Or do I?
But in the last couple days, I’ve woken the fuck up. I can’t toe a line. It’s hypocritical. Shit, man, I can’t even get within a sidewalk’s breadth of that line, dude. How ass-backward would that be?
Pretty goddamned, I’d say.
I think the biggest thing wrong in North American relationships today is our almost Puritanical approach to talking about anything sexual. We have so many hang-ups and inhibitions when it comes to sex. We got to get past this, people.
We refuse to talk about it. Or most people do, that is. It’s shunned. We talk about things surrounding sex — the flirtation, the outfits, the seduction, the wining’n’dining, the commitment, the logistics — but never the nitty gritty, the real stuff that affects us on an individual level.
Face it, the whole notion of sex conversation tends to be along the lines of the boring and uninvestigative, like, “Do you like that?” You know what rule number one in the world of journalism is? Never, ever ask a question which can be answered with a simple “Yes” or “No.” If you want to know your interview subject, you always, always investigate for long, thorough answers.
You’re trying to bring your partner the best pleasure they can possibly experience, and all you’ll ask is “Do you like that?” Jesus. And people wonder what’s wrong with sex today? Worse yet, even today there are a lot of women who will NOT even ask their man if they’re likin’ it. That’s a whole other issue that I just won’t address right now.
The human body isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s complicated. We need to talk to each other. You wanna improve your sex life? TALK to your partner. Get to know what’s working and what’s not. Asking’s the only way to do it.
Be a scientist. Gather evidence. Learn. Study the subject in as many conditions as you can. Experiment. Document your findings. Verify. Rinse. And repeat.
So, then, I ask you: How could I possibly live with myself if I began to censor myself just for a meagre stipend so early in this game?
Throw a few more digits at me, though, and maybe we’ll talk. For now, no whoring’s good enough for me. Hand me that megaphone, will you? And go talk to your lover.
I’ll have a few more things to say about conversations regarding sex in the near future, a couple examples of ways to go about doing that, for those who are a little awkward on just how to find out what’s really working. It’s so damned important.

18 thoughts on “Words, words, words: To Speak or Not to Speak?

  1. The Emissary of the Twin Arts

    I’ve been known to drop in some pretty long and involved responses here. But today, all I have to say is this:

    Amen, sister.

    Amen to staying true to yourself.

    Amen to talking to your lover.

    There’s nothing more I can say.

  2. virgin

    Toe the lines you’re comfortable toeing. Toe your own lines. There’s no point to toeing lines that in your heart of hearts you don’t agree with.

    And, ya, talking’s good.

  3. figleaf

    I can imagine you not censoring yourself but I can also imagine you changing your focus.

    If you ever do, I’ll be happy to archive any or all of your posts on my site where the world could see them but your employer might not be able to link them so directly to you.

    Along those lines I’ve “archived” the “be a scientist” section of this post on my blog because it really rocks.

    Thanks so much for thinking about what you’re doing instead of just reacting. I appreciate you a lot, Steff.

    Take care,

    figleaf

  4. bigbill947

    Haven’t been around a good conversationalist lady since I left America ….on the topic of mature sexual matters…Thais aren’t into talk….my New Awlins days I was president of ASK….someone wouls say “are you kinky” all of us in the group would reply ” Just ASK ” We explained we were the AMERICAN SOCIETY OF KINKIES,AND WE WERE BUT IN A GOOD FUN LOVING WAY !
    Reading your posts reminds me of the frank un-ashamed days when viagra hadn’t arrived and I was never ashamed to proclaim I wasn’t a cocksman but a cunnilinguist, trained by the lesbian girlfriends of my girlfriend, lover or wife of that time….ALTHOUGH I DID HAVE TO BE THEIR THERAPIST IN RETURN FOR THE THREE WAYS, WHEN A RELATIONSHIP WENT TO SHII I got called anytime 24/7 !
    IT’S TOO MUCH FOR ONE TO GIVE UP SOMETHING THEY ENJOY AS MUCH AS YOU SEEM TO , ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU’RE GOOD AT IT…..AND I MAY NOT HAVE READ THE WHOLE BLOG BUT JUST LIKE GOOD SEX….I’LL TAKE MY TIME AND ENJOY !

  5. AlwaysArousedGirl

    My theory…if someone is doing something to you, they probably will like the same sort of thing done to them. With provisions made for different physiology, of course. 😀

  6. Goose and Gander

    You are amazing and I hope you keep writing here for a long time.
    Hope you and your family are well.
    Goose

  7. scribe called steff

    Emissary — What, no tome! Thank you. 🙂

    Virgie — Talking rocks. That’s a MAJOR thing with me. That is the NUMBER ONE thing I think is wrong in the sex lives of Americans, and/or any other nation like ’em.

    Laurie — Tee hee! Thank you. 🙂

    Fig — No, it’s a government thing sponsored by the Church, so yeah, complicated but fuck ’em. I just can’t compromise this early in the game. Maybe down the road, I might have, but the money would need to be MUCH greater in number. Jesus. Pie-in-the-sky, right? Thanks, Fig, you rock too. 🙂 Thanks for the awesome linkage.

    Bill — That was interesting! Thanks for coming by. Heh.

    Always Aroused — A good assumption, but the wrong assumption to make… Talking’s the only way to really know. More on that later, but thanks for the comment. A surprising amount of people go the same route, and while some of their judgment is awesome, a lot of it is way off, too. Like I says, more on that later.

    Phaedrous — I read a bit of your blog and was incredibly touched by the sadness and openness and immediately gave you a link on here. My best wishes to your wife’s recovery, and I hope you have the strength to live through this. I’ll be sure to come by and comment on your site when there’s more time, but yeah, I’ve linked you so I make it back.

    Goose — Thank you. My family’s getting better to the point where we can all sustain ourselves and I no longer have to max myself out for my bro. WHEW. But thanks so much.

  8. Labbie

    If I could take a notepad with me to bed, I would…

    So is it okay to ask questions that don’t require a verbal answer? Like, show me where? Will you tell me when? How? Etc.

  9. scribe called steff

    Great question!

    YEAH! Absolutely! That’s an awesome way to go, for sure. Having the whole visual/demonstrative approach can be really, really good, but talking about it might also let her explain to you WHY it feels good, and having that knowledge can be infinitely useful, too…

    I’ll definitely be attacking this subject a few times, in different ways — including giving some questions every lover should ask their partners. Stay tuned. 🙂

  10. Mr. W

    I’m glad you decided not to censor yourself. I have a lot of respect for you that you’ve decided to try to earn some cash from your efforts, but stay true to yourself and do it your way as long as you can. Hell, it’s all we have.

  11. LolaGetz

    Glad you posted this.

    My own mental hammering has been going on and has really affected my life as a sexual creature.
    (not to mention that extra 10 pounds from quitting smoking a year ago!)

    I can remember going out and bring the boys home whenever I felt like it, and NOW?

    eh…couldn’t be bothered…seems more trouble than it’s worth. Though they don’t seem to think so!

    I need to try harder. I need to reclaim that, I think.
    Watch out world, I’m considering sort of maybe…I think I need a new outfit.
    🙂

  12. scribe called steff

    Reclaim it!

    Women letting ’emselves go is epidemic right now. We need to stop that shit. I know, I’ve been there, and I still go there sometimes. It’s just no good. If you let yourself go, you lose sight of what makes you strong and sexy.

  13. TMelendez

    Wow Steph..

    Many times to me the process is what is the story and not the result… this process that you went thru, and might still face, is very fascinating… the human questioning of its complexities!!!

    Tony
    PS and yes the word was exquisite, and there was no puffery!

  14. Flint

    Glad you’re sticking around. Love your words, love your stories, and I actually have a notepad close to bed. I take notes of things I read that I want to do, things that worked. Why invite a woman to your bed if you’re going to half ass it?

  15. scribe called steff

    W — Yep. Integrity’s not really for sale. It’s so hard, though, when you start out as a writer for hire. I’ve had writing friends say, “Oh, you have to hack’n’chop to sell it”… but geez, who wants to start out that way? Eventually, conforming becomes necessary, but I’ll hold out just a little longer.

    T — Life is the funnest ride there is. And spooky, full of surprises. I love documenting mine. Thanks again for those great comments on yer site. 🙂

    Flint — Nice! Good idea, keeping notes handy. Mr. Diligent, you. Thanks for the compliments, too. 🙂 And no half-assing in my bedroom. I love the whole ass.

  16. tsb

    Hi steff!

    I enjoy your writing and think that your blog is a valuable contribution to the whole plethora of ‘adult’ blogs out there.

    Your style is so different from mine, and that’s also why I like yours. So don’t ever stop writing your blog!

    I’ve linked you to my blog for about a week now, so feel free to come and visit. There may be a few people that I’ve linked to that you know, at least virtually 🙂

    Best!
    tsb

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