TWOFER: I'm a Bitch & Something Smells

You have those nights sometimes, the nights before a simple kind of day, a your kind of day-day, where the only thing you really know is this: You’re calling the shots.
The man? Fuck him. The woman? Her too. And everyone in the sub-genres? Them too.
It’s 12:24 a.m., and I’ve decided that whatever it is I do when I roll my lazy ass out of bed, it’s okay. Tentative plan: A fine breakfast, a little South Park, a trip with the bike and the camera downtown to play tourist, for kicks. That’s it.
Before, I had these grandiose plans of, oh, I don’t know, accomplishing something, or something. I’ve come to my senses. Partly sunny. Dubious, you think? Fuck no. Partly’s sounding like it’s from God’s lips, man. Yep. A fine day, whatever materializes. With the last 45 or so days being filled with 40 or so days of rain, well, I’ll take drizzle, man. Just get me the hell out.
Though I feel like keeping to myself after my crazy past six weeks, I am going to force myself to be social. A tad. But only to cute men.
The women, they’ll get nods and grunts. Yep. Balance. It’s all about balance, isn’t it?
Oh, I’m joking. I play well with all others. My folks brought me up with manners, etiquette, you know, and that makes me the mostly charming young thang before you. I say “mostly” because having a mouth like Susan Sarandon at her time of the month is really not doing me any favours. But it feels so damned good, and the hedonist in me, that’s all she really needs, ya know.
_____________
Hopefully the following applies to none of my male readers, but, guys, I’ve been hearing some horror stories.
See, I’ve heard all these things through regular conversations with real, live guys, not through this blog. So, I’d like to just say this right now, that there’s a little too many instances of this sort of thing. You want chicks to feel all right about touching themselves and such, then we need to get on page about this.
Chicks, we’re sensitive, right? Estrogen: License to Pill. It’s rough, yeah, baby. Real rough some days, and you guys, you’re so lackadaisical and oblivious. Normally, it makes us chuckle, but sometimes, y’all leave scars.
These conversations I’ve mentioned, have all included guys, who, upon going down on women they were with, reacted in one or more of the following ways:

  • Gasped
  • Retched
  • Dry-Heaved
  • Actually vomited between her legs
  • Groaned, grabbed his clothes, ran, and proceeded to dress in her apartment’s exterior corridor

I mean, my GOD, guys. If you’ve done this, you are such an ass. Even if it was totally unintentional, oh, lord.
Don’t you ever get the sense that some people are the needing the emotional form of toilet training? Instead of just blurting out every fucking thing you feel in the split instant it hits, try something incredibly nouveau and cutting edge: Hold your goddamned tongue until you’ve let the stupid idea rattle around yer skull a moment.
And that doesn’t go out to just guys, there’re so many women that applies to, and we all know it.
If a guy reacts like that in one of those moments, it’s akin to a woman snickering at the size of a man’s cock. “You’re… not cold, are you? Oh, sorry, yes, that was optimism. I was hoping I could at least turn the thermostat up. Sadly, though… there might be little point in— Oh, I made a punny! (giggle)”
I just find myself wondering what such an experience would do to a woman’s future sex drive, considering how much more governed by emotions (and estrogen, sigh) we happen to be.
I’ve only had one real experience of issue with a bit of a foul odour, and it was after an eight-hour car trip with a guy I really, really, really wanted to sleep with when I lived in the North. He had a girlfriend at the time, and I had shit going on long distance, so I constantly felt the hopelessness of that, too. He paid me the most incredible compliment that day, too, that would sound totally cheesy to say here, but probably the greatest thing a guy ever said to me. It was his tone of voice and the way he stared through me as he said it, though. I melted. A couple hours after that, and needing a washroom for a bit, and I was conscious of my scent. Nothing too intense, mind you, but it was there, perceptible, a little, and I became hyperaware. We arrived at a washroom within five minutes of my noticing it, and I was able to wash up and feel great again, and I’m pretty sure he never picked up on it.
But if he had, it probably would’ve been a source of pheromones, not offense. Since that time, I kind of started to quiz the guys I’ve been with, and have been remarkably surprised at what was, I perceived, an offensive odour, and what guys have found attractive. They seem to have a more accommodating standard, I suppose. We chicks, we get bombarded by media ads about “feminine freshness’ on a daily basis. Hell, they have “feminine wipes,” which are the female equivalent to the baby’s-dirty-ass-alcohol-soaked-wipe. Unfortunately, there’s a market for them. It’s called “being single.” The Age of Paranoia.
I’m just saying, guys need to be empathetic to the issues that chicks sometimes have to deal with, and being nice and delicate about the fact that she needs a shower can go a long, long ways. How about, “God, I bet you’d be incredibly hot all lathered up. But mostly, I wanna do the lathering. Get you wet. Dripping. In the shower.”
That way, you get to play with a bar of soap. (Dove is nicely contoured. Ever notice that?) You get a nice shower. You get a clean chick. And you get to get laid after all. Everybody wins. She keeps her pride, and you get to enjoy the perks.
And though there’s not such an amenable conclusion for chicks who are usually stupid enough to blurt out a comment about a man’s penis size, really, they just ought to bloody well know better. I mean, Jesus. A little empathy. Just like God gave you that flabby bit on your inner thigh that no amount of working out can resolve, the small-penis thing wasn’t likely a request, and surgery ain’t no walk-in-the-park boob job, either.
Anyhow, thanks for coming on my tangential walk this evening. I’ve clearly been sort of colouring by numbers on this posting, but hey, it’s been fun for me. Come again.

7 thoughts on “TWOFER: I'm a Bitch & Something Smells

  1. Ellie

    I am a consumer of feminine wipes but not for the obvious reasons. I don’t think I’ve ever used them to freshen up before sex but they work great after sex. I keep a package of them next to the bed and they do the trick for cleaning up come or any other messes on the body. They don’t eliminate the need for a shower but they forestall it long enough to cuddle in relative comfort and peace.

  2. figleaf

    The shower trick works nicely, especially since it really is fun getting to do the lathering. I’ve almost never had to try it though because almost everybody I’ve gone to bed with has been self-conscious enough to hop in the shower or otherwise bathe first. (I ought to mention it’s not really necessary 99% of the time either.)

    I know I keep bringing in the guy side of issues, but from what I’ve heard a lot of women would appreciate it if men were just as considerate about hygene. Careless or unattentive men have their own unpleasant smells and tastes, and, everyone tells me, women have a much stronger sense of smell than men so…

    Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander.

    Note: most of the way we smell is due to perfectly healthy lactobacteria (which also flavors non-velveeta cheese and salami) so it’s not as if any of us are toxic down there so as long as we know how to use soap regularly there’s no real need to use it obsessively.

    Take care,

    figleaf

  3. mhorts

    My mother once told me “If anyone ever offers you a breath mint, never turn it down”. Simple, but important advice.

    When my wife and I first started having sex, she used a diaphram for birth control. For those that don’t know, I diaphram needs a spermicide jelly to be effective. There are jellys that have no taste and those that don’t. My wife had accidentally got the wrong kind one day. Soon after, I was “spelunking” and noticed a certain “medicine” taste. I tried to tough it out, but my tongue actually went numb after a short time. I was comfortable enough with my wife at that point to make a joke out of it, especially since it wasn’t actually her that tasted bad. I came up, smiled, and said “You taste AWFUL”. Fortunately, she saw the humor in it and we both got a good laugh out of it. We still do, in fact. I could have been more tactful though. 🙂

  4. scribe called steff

    Oh, MAN! I love that. Moms give awesome advice. My mother always taught me to be prepared for visits from other people — get all your shit done, and when they come, you can enjoy their company. I do the same thing for big dates, it’s hilarious. I make sure I have everything I could possibly need for a good night in. One of these days, a guy has *got* to tell me what he’s thinking when he discovers my attention to detail.

    But mints, that SHOULD be common knowledge, but geez. And you know that half the time you’re offered a mint, it’s ’cause you kinda need to have one. I offer mints and gum to people who need it, and I never say no when it’s offered to me, ‘cos hey. Garlic’s good, man.

    Your deal with your wife’s different, methinks. That’s kind of a “Hey, we’re married. Hardy-har-har.” chuckle, you know? If you took all that love, commitment, and familiarity out of the equation and thrust it back into the dark ages where you’ve known each other for a month or something, and I bet the reaction would be different, eh?

    To be honest, the guy who told me he’d been drinking a little, and went over, wanting to go down on his girlfriend, it was his first time doing it, and yes, he’d been drinking. Went down, vomitted, and if I remember correctly, he even helped clean up afterwards. He’d felt horrible for a couple weeks, at least, but I’d heard the story a few months later when we were on an afternoon date, and he was still pretty blue then.

    But ain’t that the great thing about guys? Of course they have consciences, they just take a little while to clue in sometimes. There are few men I’ve known who weren’t compassionate and affected after a moment of bad judgment. Guys are pretty good that way, and even better, they often learn from mistakes. Wonderful stuff. I just wish that delayed-reaction ability would start sprouting sooner so these sorts of things don’t need to happen.

    Then again, the chicks it does happen to, they could use a little life lesson stuff themselves: Shit happens. Get over it. Yep. That simple. Embarrassment is a reason to laugh and an invitation to change, that’s all.

    It’s officially sunny! One more coffee, and I’m outta here.

  5. Mind Maelstrom

    Steff,
    you’re awesome. Just wanted to let you know that I have been faithfully reading all your posts, albeit on my PDA since I seem to always be on the go (so I can’t post comments). One of these days I will post though, both in response to the marriage and masturbation posts… until then, I’ll just keep reading. Oh, and did I mention you’re awesome? Because you are.

    Best,
    MM

  6. scribe called steff

    Holy smokes, do I love flattery. So good she says it twice. I got the warm fuzzies. Throw in the sunburn I got, too, and it’s getting warm in here.

    Thanks a bunch. I get emailed all the comments, ‘cos I don’t have patience enough to check ’em all on here, so sometimes I won’t realize what posting it’s for. Be obvious. 🙂 I love comments. They rock!

  7. scribe called steff

    Ellie — BRILLIANT. Yes, that’s the perfect application for those wipes. You go, girl. Ha. 🙂

    Figleaf — I’ve harped on male hygeine in the past though. I try to keep this site pretty balanced male/female wise, because there’s enough sites out there that have the female POV excusively. I think there’s a lot of chicks who need to smarten up, and having a woman say so is a good thing.

    But yeah, having been with a guy for about seven years who never had BAD hygeine, and then being with a guy who had GOOD hygeine, I noted the difference between performing oral on a “non-offensive” cock and a “nicely cleaned” cock, and certainly preferred the latter. I mean, it’s just frickin’ common sense. Some body odours are pheromonic, but most are just offensive. If being clean gives you license to play, then why the hell not start off squeaky clean? Very weird out there.

    So, anyhow, yes, these are all things I’ve said before, and I see a scary future of having to repeat them all countless times, but FOR GOD’S SAKE, CLEAN UP FOR YOUR LOVERS, PEOPLE. Sex is about knowing EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY on a lover’s body, and the CLEANER, the more desireable it is to go digging. Capische? Silly kids.

    Personally, I shower every morning, and have a bath nearly every night.

    If cleanliness is next to godliness, I’m expecting deities in my name shortly.

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