And I’ve been thinking about masturbation. Not doing it, writing about it. I still want to hear more results and comments and emails based on the letter down below, but I think this topic is growing in importance for me.
Yes, guys need to understand more about female masturbation – but so do 40% of the female population who never, ever do it.
Why don’t they? You got me. Hang-ups of every kind, from social perceptions of what masturbation means, to fear, to religious implications, to good old-fashioned second, third, fourth generation shame.
Honeys, listen to me when I tell you this: Get over yourselves.
Oscar Wilde once said “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” Yes, it is, in more ways than one. Let’s put it this way: The orgasm is the ultimate in human sensation. It’s every nerve ending in the human body shuddering its way to absolute ecstasy, then collapsing upon themselves in spent euphoria.
Orgasms, though, don’t just fall out of the sky. The ability to come isn’t just something a woman wakes up with overnight. Female masturbation doesn’t get talked about, aside from jokes about vibrators, and that’s very misleading for a lot of women who have no experience in this area. Masturbating yourself is far less complicated than having to screw up the courage to spend money on a potentially embarrassing sex toy that you may not wish to have found.
If your courage lacks, it shouldn’t. We hear that we need lube, we need vibes, we need all this shit, and that’s all wrong. All you need, girls, is a happy little thought, and the soft pad of your fingers. Shorter nails helps, so you can get more variety of feelings, but so long as you’re working with your soft finger pads, not the tips, but the bit down closer to the first skin folds on the top joint. Like the photo below, you just slide your hand over your mons (that bit below the bottom of your belly, the mound) and into the first recesses of your vulva, the home of your clit. And massage around it at first, not on top of it right away because you might be too sensitive when you begin, but as you massage more, start increasing both the speed and the pressure, and begin going right over the top of the clit. And just keep going until you finally orgasm.
Any female who has not yet orgasmed, who’s approaching it for the first time, might feel fear and confusion. Some strange things happen to the body. At first, you might think you’re experiencing pain. Maybe you think you need to go to the washroom. But there’s a million different ways it might feel, and you need to relax and get past that point.
Then, there’s the issue of moisture. When you finally do orgasm, you will probably produce some form of ejaculate. You will be wet, lubricated, and you might even squirt some out. This is normal. There should be no shame with this, so try to be aware of it being an absolutely common occurrence. If it bothers you, one little visit to the bathroom will make it all go away. But you’ll become comfortable with this as you experience more orgasms and learn to let go.
I sort of discovered masturbation at about the age of 13. I remember being really excited about some George Michael photos I’d found – shirtless, tight shorts, that kind of thing – and I found myself dry humping a pillow. I kept getting up and running down the hall to go “pee” because I kept thinking I had to. Nope, that was approaching orgasm – something that never did happen for a few more years. I went from dry humping a pillow to them putting something solid and round under a pillow so I’d get more pressure, then I, well, let’s leave that one out, but the point is, it took a while to get the nerve up to start rubbing myself. Years, really. As for touching myself “under the panties,” well, that probably didn’t happen until I was 19 or 20. I was only comfortable rubbing over my panties because I thought it was dirty, wrong, and strange to touch my vagina on purpose. It was that moisture, it baffled me for a long time.
Fact is, being uncomfortable with masturbating is normal when you’re a woman. It’s sad that that’s the case, but it’s true. This generation coming up now, they’re the first ones to ever hear about female masturbation, really. My generation, and I’m 32, we never talked about it. Sex and the City has changed that. It’s suddenly okay for women to self-serve. But there are still so many hang-ups that interfere with our ability to orgasm.
And that, my friends, is another program. But here’s a great site with neat statistics on the female orgasm (and some on the male’s).
Come to think of it, I’m a little tense. Maybe I’ll go tend to something. Ahem.
The Cunting Linguist
It seems I always have something on the tip of my tongue.
Here’s what’s hypocritcal “…, then I, well, let’s leave that one out, but the point is…”, or “Maybe I’ll go tend to something. Ahem.”
If *you’re* not ready to actually say what’s what, what happened, how it came about and why – in detail -, how does that help other women who are a part of the 40% who’ve never masturbated? You’re hiding behind your words.
Do you have any idea, at all, how incredibly offensive the use of the word “hypocritical” is to me?
Because I’m actually borderline pissed off right now.
And to tell me I’m “hiding” behind my words? Yeah, that’s a real piss-off accusation too, not to mention utterly bullshit.
You are HARD-PRESSED to find another person writing such a blog who lets her vulnerability all hang out as much as I do on here. I hide behind nothing.
You would have been right if you said, “Hey, that’s incongruous, leaving that detail out.” or “That’s unlike you.” Or whatever, but don’t call me a fucking hypocrite. It’s offensive, it’s rude, and it’s flat-out wrong.
Why is it wrong? Because for that to be hypocritical, I’d have had to claim people should own up to their masturbation tendencies publically, and I have NEVER said such a thing. That I’m willing to share as much as I have with you, that’s something worth a tad bit of credit.
You could have even called it STUPID that I left that detail out, and now, in hindsight, I’d be inclined to agree with you. Your delivery, though, sucked. You’re lucky you added the next question there, but the last statement pissed me off, too.
As for labelling my COYNESS as being hypocritical, what the fuck is that? “Maybe I’ll go tend…” THAT’s not hypocritical. That’s simply not blunt.
I’m sorry, but honestly, if my readers are too stupid to jump to the right conclusion on that comment, then I want new readers. Seriously. You’re insulting their intelligence. That’s just a nitpicking comment.
The ONLY thing you are right about is that revealing that detail might have been helpful in pointing out to that 40% segment just how dumb and moronic we sometimes feel as we fumble our way through to our sexuality.
And on that, yes, you’re absolutely right. Maybe it would have been helpful.
SO, that, I will now amend. Next time, don’t judge me and lay that guilt-trip bullshit on me. I don’t play those games. Your delivery sucks. Flat-out. Maybe you didn’t mean to offend me as much as you have, but hey, you did.
So, for the rest of you, here’s the stupid, lame-assed detail I left out. Fact is, everyone does stupid shit as they fumble towards sexuality. It’s why it’s embarrassing. It’s why we lock the doors. It’s why we’re secretive, and me, being human, every now and then I like to keep something to myself.
This, though, is far too mediocre a detail to have caused such a stupid tiff, but isn’t that the nature of stupid tiffs? Anyhow. My next step in my journey to orgasms was in the realm of the feisty dog that humps your leg. Instead, for me, I took a real shine for a short time to nice firm arms on armchairs, or anything else rigid that would fit nicely between my legs. I’d shimmy forward for just the right amount of pressure, and I’d love the feeling of that against my public bone. I’d shift around for variations, and that was about that.
I was certainly ashamed of myself as I found myself enjoying something so moronic as much as I did, but I started feeling better about it after a classmate in high school blushed and told me she accidentally rammed herself against her father’s standard transmission gearshift one day, trying to climb across the front bench seat. It felt so good, I remember her telling me.
I don’t remember how long that phase lasted, but it was after that that I finally began to rub my panties. I guess you go through those initial phases until that part of the phase loses its potency, then you move on.
So, here’s a tip, readers: Don’t tell me I’m hypocritical, don’t judge me, and don’t feel like you’re entitled to ANYTHING I don’t want to share. We’re ALL privy to our privacy, and making that kind of demand against anyone is bullshit.
I may be all about openness, but I’m also about having the right to keeping some things for myself. My life ain’t now, and never will be, an absolutely open book. If you don’t like it, then you don’t need to come here.
I just ask for the same respect I show you. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. Simple.
In the end, yes, you were right about one thing, and the rest… enough said.
You tell ’em Steff!
I have been “lurking” your site daily and I just LOVE it, I have to join in this one! This subject is another one of your best…but you have so many!
I discovered masturbation at about 13 and I was hooked. I read about it in a book I found in my older sisters drawer. It described in vivid detail how to slide your hips under the running water as the tub is filling up and let the stream stimulate your clit. I tried it… absolutely amazing! Got up the next morning, put on my Catholic school plaid skirt and walked into mass a new woman (ha!)
I am still very comfortable with masturbation, usually with a vibrator but my hand or my lovers works great too. I found out early that men love to see a woman pleasure herself and I’m the first to dive in if the sexual position is not stimulating my clit. Hey, I’m not just there for the ride…it adds to my pleasure and his!
No need for me to comment on “anonymous” remarks, I think your “silver tongue” handled it quite eloquently!
Hmmm… Interesting topic. I shall meditate about this and come back with some post about it myself…
anon from ottawa
Love your blog and its variety of topics, not just the sex-ed posts, but everything else too.
I was really supprised and happy that you used the quote by Oscar Wilde :”To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” It is one of my favourite quote. Now it is my favourite quote, since you’ve somehow associated the quote with masturbation.
I think I discovered masturbation at a very early age, can’t remember exactly. All I knew was that it felt good. Once I knew what I was doing, I kinda felt ashamed, but I couldn’t stop it because I loved and still love the feelings. Like you, I’ve also “humped” a pillow when I was in my teenage years. Now, all I need are my fingers and my fanatsies. Sometimes I prefer masturbation over sex because it is simple, quick, hassle-less, and I can just role over and sleep afterwards… LOL I am just like a guy sometimes, I just need to come and thats all.
I wonder what your next post will be…
anon from ottawa again
Just thought of another quote by Woody Allen :”Don’t knock masturbation – it’s sex with someone I love”
Heh. thanks, I like that one, too. Here’s some more:
“Sex is like a bridge game; if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” Emo Phillips.
“I’d like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they’re working on now.” Groucho Marx.
“Every so often, I try to masturbate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not really sure what it means.” Kali Nichta.
“Well, I looked in my mom’s closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.” Cartman from South Park.
“I was an altar boy, a spokesperson for the Virgin Mary, I was a choir boy but then at the age of 14 I discovered masturbation and all that went out the window.” Guillermo Del Toro.
“Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.” George Carlin
“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” Lilly Tomlin
“In the nineteenth century masturbation was a disease; in the twentieth, it is a cure.” ??
I LOVE QUOTES!! 🙂
I think George Carlin also said this:
“If God had meant for humans to masturbate, he would have made their arms shorter.”
Karl Marx: “Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex”
Anon — Can’t say philosophy gets me wet, though.
Someone freaked on someone else’s link to this post, slamming my use of the word “vagina” where the word “vulva” now appears. Fine, fine, it’s fixed. My assumption was that those who are ignorant of masturbation are probably ignorant of what the actual names of their bits and pieces are. I was attempting to keep it simple, but if I’m gonna get flack (behind my back, no less), then I’ll frickin’ well change it. And have.
Thanks for all the talk on my favorite subject.I love to masurbate while fantasing about a man roughly,pushing my head to his erect cock & then he pulls me to a bed,pushes me down & holds me there,despite my sruggling to get free.He forces his swollen member into me & I ride it until we both come.All this time,I’ve got a virabrating dildo in my vaginia & am ever so lightly sroking the clit,until I can’t stand it any more,then I rub it harder.Thanks for providing this blog,where we can express our thoughts & fantasies.I’ve been enjoying masurbation much more since reading this blog.