Q&A: Seducing A Straight Same-Sex Friend

An American broad abroad in Germany who calls herself a devoted reader wants to know:

How do I seduce my straight female friend? Or consequently, how do I deal with falling for someone not available?

When I wrote her back, I said rather bluntly, “What part of straight is so hard to understand?”
We all fall for someone we can never have. In fact, I’m about to listen to “Something I Can Never Have” by NIN. I’ve done it, and I’ve lived with the reality check I’ve had to cash. That’s just life. Most of the time, I think we fall for the unattainable because, on some level, we’re not consciously aware of the fact that we’re not ready to emotionally commit to anyone. We’d rather be lonely than really take the chance of being vulnerable, because being vulnerable means admitting your weaknesses to yourself and to another. It means taking a risk.
So, we cop out and we put our desire to be loved onto someone who we know will never respond to it — it’s kind of like never really trying to obtain your goals and dreams, but still being able to say, “Well, I never really tried, so I’ve never really failed.”
No, but you just haven’t played the game at all, have you?
We’ve all done this, and anyone who says they haven’t is just kidding themselves. It’s human nature to play it safe some of the time, particularly when we’ve been through emotional trauma, and you, dear reader, have been through exactly that, and you & I know it.
So, with shrink-mode off, let’s get back to the initial question. How do you seduce your female friend when she’s straight? I think it’s safe to say that the odds of a gay chick seducing her straight female friend are much higher than if the respective players were males. For chicks, there’s nothing threatening about being in the lovin’ arms of another woman. We don’t have to go through as much psychoanalysis to get past the experience as a guy who (feels he) needs to then examine whether he’s a “real man” or not.
Society, too, is more forgiving of lesbian encounters anyhow, since we all know most guys would throw down a sizeable wad of cash if they got to be the fly on the wall of a couple hot chicks exploring the lesbian side of things. In fact, it’s probably safe to say that most people just don’t take lesbians that seriously, considering they’re using strap-on dildos and all.
Let’s take me, for example. I’m out-and-out as straight as they get. I love all the aspects of being with a man, and can’t imagine myself ever being a lesbian for the longterm. But I very well might get playful with a girl… if all the pieces fell into place. What pieces, you ask? (But if you want some perspective on my little lesbian fantasies, read this and this.)
Back to the “pieces.” You’d have to get me good and drunk, for starters. Not because I wouldn’t know what I was doing, because I always have some self-control, but because I would want to have a really good excuse when I woke up the next morning. “Pfft, I was drunk, it’s all good… It was fun. I’ll never, ever drink again…” Heh. That said, there’s a part of me that wants to have the experience. I secretly want to have a woman come onto me, and the more I hear from chicks, the more I realize that this is a pretty common feeling. It’s something we won’t go out looking for, but if it should happen… We might just give in.
That said, let’s say you have that experience. Let’s say you pop a cork on a great bottle of wine, have a great “girl’s night” in, and you accidentally surf the channels and land on that great lesbian love-fest, The L-Word, and you somehow start sitting a little closer on the couch, et cetera…
We interrupt this broadcast to state that seduction’s seduction, whether it’s man-woman/woman-man/man-man/woman-woman. It’s all the same. You just need to get a little closer and see what happens, that’s all. Test the waters. How would you seduce anyone? Same difference here. It’s just a taboo, that’s all. We now resume the topic…
So, you kiss. If it doesn’t work, you get embarrassed, blame it on the wine, say you’ve just been a little lonely lately and you’re being dumb, and apologize. If it does work, then you make a move to the classic caress, and maybe it escalates.
I’ll say one thing, though — I think if you’re talking about crossing the lines of sexuality with someone who’s not a player in that game normally, it’s an all-or-nothing shot. Meaning, you get ‘em into a kiss and they’re responding, then THAT is the night you take it all the way. You will more than likely not get a second shot at it, so seize the opportunity while you can.
So, the not-getting-a-second-shot thing takes us to the next topic: Love’em and leave’em, except you’re the one who’s gonna get left. More often than not, they will take you up on the experience, but they will not let it develop into anything more. You run the risk of having a really incredible night where you get to passionately introduce them to same-sex love, and because the experience of teaching someone about sex is such an incredibly large turn-on, and a psychological mind-fuck in some cases, you also run the risk of having your heart absolutely shattered when it turns out that, for them, it was nothing more than trying something new at the buffet of love. For you, it will always mean more. If you’re able to accept that it will end in something that you’ll never have — and worse yet, you intimately know now exactly what you’ve lost — then I say go full-bore ahead and take that chance.
OKAY, let’s have a discussion, shall we? What would it take, if you’re straight, for someone of the same sex to seduce you? Have you thought about it? Do you secretly wish someone would make a pass at you? Have you ever tried to drop hints? How far would you be willing to go? Would it become a skeleton in your closet? Why, or why not? Speak to me, oh, hordes of lurky people. Enquiring Steffs want to know.

26 thoughts on “Q&A: Seducing A Straight Same-Sex Friend

  1. broad abroad

    Scrumptious food for thought!
    Just bought new razors and wine when I was tickled pink 😉 to see an entire topic devoted to my issue. Btw: the lesbian community is going to hate me but I am not into The L-Word nor strap-ons – human touch I crave! But I do play softball (aah, reinstated)…
    On a more serious note: I am a love’em and leave’em lover and I avoid intimacy beyond the bedroom so why should it worry me? I don’t have an answer yet; however, I know it is either strike-out or homerun. Anyway, thanks Steff for being my basecoach flashing signs!
    PS: hope you are feeling better!

  2. scribe called steff

    Oh, I feel like shit, actually. I’m starting to freak out that I might have pneumonia. Have to visit the doc tomorrow. I’m getting worse, not better. This fucking sucks.

    ANYHOW…

    I can’t do the love’em and leave’em thing, I can’t do promiscuity, period. It fucks me up. The intimacy is too powerful, in most instances, and maybe I’m responsible for making it as such, but to just walk away, no emotions… I just can’t. So, if you can, more power to you.

    My sick ass is finding the couch. Have a good one.

  3. Laura

    I think that if just the right woman came and made the right moves, I could be seduced. Maybe. I have a friend that I always blush a little from coming too close to, but I would never do anything with her as it would destroy our friendship.

    About the love-and-leave-thing; I am pretty good at emotionally distance from a person. I don’t want to get too close, even if I sleep with someone. I would do it because I lust for her, not becase I love her. I guess it is because I am one of the people you spoke of who has had some emotional traumas.

  4. loz

    long time lurker, first time poster…

    as a man i can categorically state i have no inclination to “experimenting” with the same side. Watching two ladies try is not a problem however. Is this a man thing. Probably…

  5. Anonymous

    Copious amounts of alcohol – and me being passed out completely.

    No.

    No.

    No.

    Not an inch.

    It would be so deeply closeted, not even the closet would know it was there.

    ‘Cause I’m into dudes!
    D.

  6. Knattyb

    It’s definately tough being a bi guy. I’m not presumptuous enough to say that it’s harder for a guy to be interested in other guys, but it’s tough. I’m not sure anything would ever “just happen”, so i’m left with the terror of trying to make a move, which could easily leave me ostracized from friends and family. It’s confusing and scarry…and sucks actually, but such is life i guess.

  7. David

    I’m a straight guy. I’ve never been sexually attracted to other men, but have always been curious about what it would be like to be with another man. I would never pursue it, but if the situation ever presented itself, who knows what would happen. If I found the guy attractive, I just might.

  8. Raven

    I was a straight girl who tried it and loved it. I now consider myself bi but prefer men. The problem now is that I am very picky about women. Most of the lesbians and bi women I meet are to clingy.

  9. scribe called steff

    Clingy lesbians? Oh, my. I’m gonna get shot by all the women who think I’m a total feminist — and I am, but stereotypes exist for a reason — but that’s not a lesbian / bi thing, that’s a female thing.

    Unfortunately, too many chicks can be that way. Hell, I’ve been that way. One bad day with estrogen and it all goes south. Sucks, but there it is. There are qualities I’d really enjoy about being involved with a woman, but the mood swings and needyness would be the first thing to make me walk.

    I can’t believe I’ve just said that, but hey. I’d say the same damned thing about a man. In fact, I’d walk SOONER if a man was that way. A woman, I’d give her leeway since I’d know it might be completely the other way the next way. If a guy’s that way, he just IS that way. A woman, hormones are usually to blame. Damned hormones. It’s cost me a relationship or two in the past.

  10. Anonymous

    Sometimes a desire for little more than pure affection can take over and lead to pure intimacy. If the situation is non threatening and the person attractive it might just spark something. I’m straight, and have always preferred—and revelled in—the company of women, both sexually and platonically. I just love women. But that didn’t prevent at least a couple of (one night) forays with guys I felt close to … when I was single. Regrets? Never. Satisfaction? Marginal if at all. Mainly selfish. Same with more than few women. Today (now married) I have lots of gay friends who I just adore but would no more want to sleep with them as they would with me.
    BTW, Steff, your writing and smarts blow me away.

  11. scribe called steff

    thank you for commenting, and thanks for the flattery. 🙂

    nothing wrong with a little exploration, and at least you know for sure where you stand.

  12. Anonymous

    another lurker here who enjoys your writing 🙂

    I haven’t thought about having a same-same encounter at all until recently. I was in the car with a close friend of mine(she and I are both straight) and we were chatting about a movie we’d just seen. Anyhoo, I suddenly saw myself kissing her. It was kind of like a 3sec movie clip in my mind. I didn’t tell her about it. I was pretty freaked out to be having such a thought in the first place. I don’t quite know what it means. This only happened a couple days ago. At first I thought-does this mean I’m not straight?

    So if I did have such an encouter I think it would definitely become a skeleton in my closet. I don’t think I’d ever initiate it myself. Would I turn away from such an advance? Probably. Before I would have said no way but now I’m not entirely certain.

  13. Linda

    What would it take for another woman to seduce me? Well, if I find her sexually attractive, and she’s clean, pleasant, shapely, and has nice, soft breasts. AND likes me as a friend as well as potential lover. I’d love her to kiss me softly, lingeringly…. I’d love to put my arms around her, and hope she’s brave enough to reach to the sides of my breasts, and fondle my nipples. From there, we’d kiss, hug, caress… using our tongues, hands… the clothes would come off…. and once I show her my techniques that I use to make MYSELF all wet and orgasm-filled, ESPECIALLY the part about sticking my fingers inside her cunt and then “beckoning”, I’d basically HAVE her. Unless g-spot stimulation brings up bad suppressed memories of rape, incest, or other sexual invasions. In which case, she’d probably have a strong emotional reaction, and I’d hold her in my arms. Or else pray that our friendship isn’t ruined. I wonder, why we are afraid that “sex between friends could ruin our friendship”? Maybe it’s because you and or your friend is a rape or incest survivor (you and/or said friend may not even KNOW it–the human mind has ways of repressing deep traumas). Knowing what to do when bad memories or strong emotions come up during genital stimulation–encourage your friend or lover to breathe deeply, cry, yell, curse at the mf who abused them, and **do not take it personally** whatever they say or do…. And of course, there’s the all-important reading of body-language! If I move in to kiss you, and you lean in and throw your arms around my neck, that’s a Go-Ahead-And-Kiss-And-Caress-Me-Intimately! If I reach for you and you shrink back, I’d better slow down! Sexual feelings can be hard to put into words. A lot of us just weren’t taught how to honor or own our own sexuality, let alone how to properly and safely seduce somebody! (No kidding! There are recognizable signs as to when somebody likes you THAT much… and yes, people can run away or cut off contact for the strangest of reasons… maybe they like you back, but they don’t know how to cope with THEIR desire for you. I’ve had girlfriends who did that with me…. and I had NO idea that they desired me sexually! God forgive my teenage naivete….) America IS a sexually naive culture, and I see a lot of us need a REAL sex education! I DON’T just mean making babies and periods and hormones! I mean, how to have Harmonious Relationships, How to Fight Fair Without Hurting Others, and of course the finer points of Safety and Pleasure in BDSM, not to mention Safe Anal Sex, and G-spot or anal healing for the incest/rape survivors, as well as those few lucky enough not to have experienced ANY kind of sexual trauma…. Gee I should write a BOOK…. 🙂

  14. Anonymous

    Me, I’m 32, and I’m curious, I must admit. But even in normal everyday life, I tend not to like the company of women. The ones I know are too “fluffy”. I’m more intellectual and geeky. I like a good, solid, deep conversation about something serious. Sadly, I don’t know many women who could be that. Most *men* aren’t like that either, but it seems to be easier to be that way with men.

    If it ever happened that someone I though was physically attractive started trying to seduce me, I might experiment, just for the sake of experimentation, but it would never be more than that.

    The funny thing is, I’m married, and an “experiment” like that doesn’t feel like it would be infidelity… Strange, it’s as though women as less threatening, perhaps less “real” than men.

  15. Anonymous

    Speaking as a guy who’s pretty sure he’s not completely straight, I have had sexual inclinations toward numerous “straight” friends in the past. You hit it pretty well on the head when you mentioned that society is far more forgiving of lesbian experimentation than gay escapades. On the Kinsey scale of sexuality, “1” being completely straight and “6” being completely gay, I believe I am a “2”, but have never (and probably WILL never) know if this is truly the case, as I don’t want to ostracize myself from my circle of friends (“Hey guys, that queer tried to come on to me”) as well as society at large.

    “Coming out” or even homosexual experimentation is a major decision, particularly for men, and it becomes even more difficult for those of us who are not 100% sure (or even mostly sure) that we have feelings, sexual and otherwise, toward members of the same sex. While I love women, both sexually and otherwise, I can never shake the thought that I have severely limited myself by shying away from sexual relations with half the population. Moreover, I worry that I may be denying my true nature by not experienced every stripe of the sexual rainbow before making a decision on which part of the spectrum I fall under.

  16. Anonymous

    I am rather embarrassed about it. My fiance and I were going through a list of ‘things you should talk about with your spouse’ and congratulating ourselves on having talked over so much stuff beforehand. However, we got to a question about sexual fantasies. I hadn’t really thought of any at that point, having barely gotten to the point where I could even talk about sex without shutting down completely. (Ah, Catholic upbringing, such fun….wasn’t even interested in sex at all until I met the fiance. Much has changed…) He said that he’d thought about being with two girls at once.
    At the time, I was devastated. I was in another country, deeply depressed and afraid to take medication for it in case they had nasty side effects I couldn’t get dealt with while I was there, and of all things, he picked something I could not give him by myself. Damn it.
    I got over it. And now, feeling like a hypocrite royale, I find myself watching other girls and noticing how very sexy I do find some of them. So I don’t think I’d be against someone of the same sex coming on to me at all, provided I did find them attractive in one way or another. And they didn’t mind a threesome…
    My worry is the inherent unfairness of involving another person in something as intimate as sex when it could only be something transient. Somehow, even when you’re planning a one-night stand, the emotions can so easily get involved….
    Plus we have a mutual friend who basically did what we are discussing, and his betrothed, who had happily agreed to it, got upset about it and left him. I don’t want to be in the position of either of those women….

  17. Anonymous

    Great post. I have a small dilemma…I know this girl, she was dating my guy friend, we were mutually introduced and became friends. We hit it off immediately, and its undeniable that we connect. She admits that much. She says she’s never connected with someone as quickly and easily as she’s done with me. When she says “connection” though, I think she means in a purely friendship/soulmatey type of way. I am bi (closeted) and have hinted to her that I might be tempted to kiss a girl if the situation presented itself. She said “eeew, I could never. I’m straight.” I said “yeah, urm, I’m straight too”, I laughed and made light of what I’d said, although it stung. I was afraid. The thing is, I get vibes from her. She looks so intensely into my eyes when we talk. Her body language shows she’s completely at ease with me. There are times when we talk and theres a moment of silence when we look into each others eyes longer than is natural, and I feel complete electricity. And yet, she seems so straight at the same time, in what she talks about and how she acts. I am tormented. I am falling fast. She makes plans to be with me alot, and we spend hours and hours together, just talking. Sometimes, just lying on the living room floor, for 4 hours, talking about everything. Hopes, dreams, fears… we connect. I want her so badly, but I dont want to make a move because I dont want to ruin this new friendship. Is there any chance that she might be feeling something for me too, but is just saying she’s straight? She says things like she’s never felt so confortable with someone before, and that I manage to tap into a side of her that no one else has. Sometimes when she looks at me, I swear she feels something. She holds my gaze when I stare at her, without flinching. She looks straight back at me, and I feel about to burst, but nothing more ever happens. Sigh. I wish I could read her mind to see what she really thinks. I wish, I wish, I wish. For now, this seems doomed to be nothing more than a friendship because I’m too scared to do anything but be her friend.

  18. jennifer

    yes, actually… my current girlfriend of almost 10 month seduced me. i was dating the same male for over two years, and this woman comes on to me. i took her up on is as a joke at first. we were pretending to be lesbians, just for fun. then she took it farther, and i was curious. it turns out that i actually love it. so i left him. i do prefer males though, but unless she leaves me, i plan to be with her for a lot longer than 10 months 😉

  19. jennifer

    correction: [link on my name didnt work]


    yes, actually… my current girlfriend of almost 10 month seduced me. i was dating the same male for over two years, and this woman comes on to me. i took her up on it as a joke at first. we were pretending to be lesbians, just for fun. then she took it farther, and i was curious. it turns out that i actually love it, and her. so i left him. i do prefer males though, but unless she leaves me, i plan to be with her for a lot longer than 10 months 😉

  20. Anonymous

    (im a girl by the way)
    iv had few relationships, and they have all ended quickly and tragically (for me). recently though, i have found a new boyfriend and we both ADORE each other. We both have loads of fantasies about each other and we re-enact most of them, we know each other by heart. However, i have been having lesbian fantasies. these started around the time i met him. Ive had loads of gay fantasies, and to be frank they turn me on. to start with, i thought it meant i was gay, or not satisfied with my sexual life atm, but i talked to him and found something out. These are completely normal. He had gay fantasies too, and after some snooping i found that quite a few of my friends had had thoughts as well.
    I am now convinced it is a natural thing and does not necessarily mean you are gay. It is human nature to be curious about things, and everyone will want to try new things. Everyone has tried new food, new colour schemes, new clothes to see what they are like. This is just the same. So, if you do fantasize, either ignore them, try them out or talk to a friend. You’ll be surprised.

  21. Anonymous

    im a 38yr very pretty feminine woman…i havent drank alcohol since i was 19 for health and spirituality, so just getting wasted isnt an answer nor actually wanted as i like 2 be really experiencing every bit of sex and life…i was married for 6 yrs and was always faithful, fantasizing about any others (men)only at opportune masterbation moments, or for a little spicier sex…until the last year when i started fantasizing all the time about really being with other men. 2 years later now I am single and have have thought much about my sexuality in non-conventional scenarios or just different for me situations. I think now that since sex has nothing 2 do with ultimate desire for procreation (i have 1 child and want no more) it has nothing to do with servitude or trade for financial security as i am well set there…i am secure in my place in community and self…and suddenly i think sex with a woman and perhaps even being open to something over time. I just want to be adored and adore someone else…the men i meet that want to be adored are somehow not attractive to me they are narcissictic or unappreciative or something…i like men traditionally…but if they are traditional they are controlling or something not purely loving like i want as much. Its like i want to just love now…i need nothing but love and have nothing but love and that is so lovely in a woman…sexually and otherwise.
    so my advise is find a woman who is very secure in everyway and you have found a woman who is free to expand….btw i havent even had an experience past a kiss b4 and ive been looking at younger women who are fully gay…but i think im being well seduced by a woman 15 yrs older than me…very very intelligent and loving, im not sure…but interested!

  22. CuriousandNervous

    What an interesting article! I love the way you write by the way, so honest. ^^ I have a small dilemma by the way, any advice? So I’m a 16 year old female, kinda interested in my bisexual female friend.(also 16) She has said in the past that my personality type is her ideal female, and I told her that I had a sort of crush on her, but that was a while back and we haven’t spoken of it since. (the elephant in the room I suppose) I’m just afraid that if we DO enter a relationship or something like that, that I’ll mess it all up. (for some reason I have fears of any sort of romantic or sexual relationship, going so far as to hyperventilating) Also, I’m not sure if the interest I have in her is purely sexual, or romantic, or what. I’m sorry if I didn’t provide enough information, but do you have any thoughts on this matter?

  23. Anon

    I’m a bi girl wanting to seduce my straight friend (she’s a girl) and she’s had sex before but I’m still a virgin n I just don’t know how to get her to have a lesbian encounter with me

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