Rape Fantasies & Masturbation

Please, read the questions listed in the posting below this, regarding male masturbation (questions are applicable to both sexes) and answer, if you can. As a result of those questions, I’ve just received what I think is an important email from a very articulate young man, on masturbation. He writes:

This is going to sound really disturbing to women but I think a lot of men fantasize about rape. I think that rapists are the lowest form of life. Rape is the single most disturbing and horrible thing you can do to a person. Someone that is raped is scarred forever. My best friend was raped and I would kill the man responsible if I could. That is why it bothers me so much that I have fantasized about it. I don’t want you to think that I’m a potential rapist because I have fantasized about it but I think most men probably do. If they can admit it to themselves. The fantasy part of it isn’t about hurting her or scarring her. I think its just about taking something that youre not supposed to have. I guess something thats extremely taboo is sexy to us. Thats why there are movies about rape, incest, pregnant women, etc. I think thats why guys are so interested in anal. We want what we cant have.

Whew. Rape Fantasies. Yeah. Well, I’ve had ’em. But I’m also a strong girl who can take care of herself, and I pity the bastard that tries it.
That said, this is an topic that needs more discussion. It says a lot about human nature, doesn’t it? Here’s the response I sent the guy, word for word, so I can jam and go back to bouncing around to those ponces, Oasis:
I was just playing with some photography and you emailed me as I finished up, so curious, I read it. I’m deliberately not responding to people, but you’re young and clearly disturbed by the rape thing.
IT’S VERY COMMON WITH MEN AND WOMEN!
The thing is, I think it’s a pretty sterilized fantasy — like, nothing too explicit, you know? With guys, I think it’s a subliminal desire to feel like they could have permission to demand and take what they want — but not necessarily through violence. Just a primal thing, like the caveman dragging his woman by the hair. Whereas with women, it’s more a notion of wishing someone would feel that height of desire that they need to take us then and there — but we’d want to kill any man who’d try it.
It’s a really difficult fantasy for most people to come to terms with because the real act is usually outside our ethics, but we are, at heart, animals, and every now and then I think the notion of being true to that, without all these complications of civility and social correctness would be appealing to us all — the sexual equivalent of a cabin in the woods: basic, bare, free of bullshit.
But the reality of rape is something horrific for a lot of people, in both sexes, to come to terms with. So, instead, we never talk about the fact that most of us have thought about it in that faceless-stranger-in-the-night-this’ll-never-happen kind of way.
Thanks for bringing up an important topic. I was ironically thinking of this this morning, so your timing was stellar.

18 thoughts on “Rape Fantasies & Masturbation

  1. Laura

    I also fantasize about rape. And I have been sexually abused, so this was very disturbing for me in the beginning. I have gotten used to it now, and it is something I love to fantasize about now, but not something I would do in bed or any way in real life. It’d be too traumatic for me.

    My ex also fantasized about rape, and it scared him too. Maybe more than it scared me. The guy wanted to rape his abused girlfriend, who he loved a lot. Sounds weird, right? But then I told him that I had fantasized about rape, and then he dared to tell me too.

    I think it’s a good subject to talk about, Steff. I understand why people are afraid of masturbation if they know that you can end up having rape-fatasies from it

  2. Anonymous

    I recently broke up with someone I really love (or I should say she broke up with me). I have fantasized about going to see her and raping her. I’m very uncomfortable about it though and it usually leads to a quick turnoff for me.

    Along the same lines, when we were dating we were doing some very rough, drunk foreplay, and she said ‘wow, it feels like you’re about to rape me’. I got really turned off and stopped everything. I told her to never say that to me again. She was able to get me back into sex soon thereafter (probably in about 30 seconds – ha) by changing from rough foreplay to intimate foreplay. But, at the time it was a complete turnoff. I guess my feelings about it haven’t changed much.

  3. scribe called steff

    Laura — It would be interesting to know the level of violence people think about in these rape fantasies. Hmm.

    Personally, in mine, I distinguish the difference between it and normal consensual sex, but there’s little violnce, and it just sort of like really aggressive sex I’m thinking about. I don’t think I could fantasize about true rape, I don’t know. Haven’t, let’s put it that way. I remember being 17 and reading the Fountainhead and being turned on by how Dominique and Roark consummate their relationship with rape, though. That was very stylized, too, probably along the lines of my fantasies.

    Anonymous — Yeah, that’s interesting. I could see a lot of guys getting turned off by the statement that it feels like rape.

    Interesting comment, I appreciate it, and I’m sorry to hear about the demise of the relationship. If you were surprised by the ending of it, the fantasies might be the result of some unacknowledged anger towards her mixed with still feeling attracted to her. But I’m not a shrink.

  4. mhorts

    Even the thought of rape at an inopportune moment will immediately turn me off. Similar to what happend to anonymous above.

    Remember the movie “Seven”? The post-rape scene in that movie disturbed me so much that I couldn’t even think about sex for a week without that image popping into my head.

    I do have fantasies about rough sex, but these involve my partner welcoming and participating in the act, not my forcing her into anything.

  5. Curvaceous Dee

    It’s an uncomfortable topic, rape fantasies. I certainly find myself turned on reading erotica that focuses on the non-consensual aspects, and am almost certainly guaranteed a quick n’ dirty orgasm reading them. But I don’t take that non-con and apply it to mmyself – to me it’s always that one step removed.

    The thought of actual rape sickens me. Apparently my brain makes quite a fine distinction between the fiction I read and the reality I know is out there.

  6. April

    I used to be so afraid to reveal that fantasy to anyone…until I realized how common it was. I think as long as you realize it is just a fantasy…then it is ok.

  7. Goose and Gander

    Wow, I think we all have had this fantasy, both ways. I’d like to hear about women who have fantasized about “taking” a man, or roughly fucking an anonymous man….something like that. I bet that’s not as common. I have a fantasy that I can kiss or touch people to see what they are like, but they don’t remember it. Talk about a violation huh?
    But for me, I learn a great deal through my body, my skin, my senses. So I’ve always enjoyed the beginnings of dating when you kiss. How a person kisses teaches you about them, just like-what they like to eat, listen to, look at….So getting to kiss strangers would be cool.
    But our smart young man is obviously sensitive and kind and NORMAL!
    Nice addition to the conversation.
    Goose

  8. Knattyb

    I feel now as if I’m a black sheep among the CL clan. I really don’t think i’ve ever had a rape fantasy.

    I do have a penchant for really rough, almost abusive sex. But I prefer to be hurt at least as much as I deal out pain and it only works if I know that my partner is into it. I really can’y enjoy myself without knowing that i’m pleasing my partner, I wonder if that’s a sexual disfunction?

    I have on the other hand been with partneres who have had rape fantasies, and with one of them have acted it out. this is actually a really difficult undertaking. She is my best friend now, but we were dating at the time, and we had discussed her fantasy at length a few weks prior to the act. I really feel as though I know her better than myself, but even still it’s very unnerving. there’s a lot of throwing and holding down, and it’s only saving grace was knowing that she was secretly enjoying it [which she did] behind the pleads to stop. It’s only like that at the beginning though, about half way through the act drops and she just starts to enjoy it on the surface. We talked about it a great deal afterwards but it’s not exactly my thing.

    that’s my story. I’m not sure if there was a point, but there it is.

  9. Anonymous

    knattyb said… I really can’t enjoy myself without knowing that i’m pleasing my partner, I wonder if that’s a sexual disfunction?

    If that’s a sexual disfunction, sweetie, it’s one from which all men (and women for that matter)should suffer.

    I’ve never had a rape fantasy per se. Perhaps there’s an element of not having a choice to some of my fantasies, but never with any amount of violence involved.

    I think perhaps the reason some men are turned off by the idea of rape is because rape is not really about sex at all, but about anger and hatred and wanting to cause harm. Rape-like (taking what you’re not supposed to have) fantasies are probably normal. We all want what we can’t have.

    D.

  10. scribe called steff

    Anon — I think we’re sort of on the same page with the fantasy thing. I call it “rape” fantasies, because in general, they are — there’s just a difference between what’s the line in the sand with some of us.

    Knatty — I think there’s varying degrees of what constitutes a “rape” fantasy. What I fantasize about has nothing in common with rape as we hear of it through the media. It’s sort of this fantasy-ish sequence where there’s no asking, no telling, just taking’n’making. There’s no consent expressed in any way, but no real violence. Rough sex, sure, but nothing I’m not familiar with. There’s no constraints, even, and that’s not something that concerns me, either, just arms pinned to the floor, and so forth. It’s just intense sex. Very intense, no conversation, bordering on violence, yet not.

    It’s the doing-away with all the civilities and acquiescing that makes it somehow more titillating than it ought to be, considering how much I like conversation, communication, and intellect, but yeah, a sexy as hell image for me.

    Goose — Yeah, interesting, the woman-on-man rape thing isn’t so common. I think showing up at the door naked is enough to conquer a man. It’s actually easy for us to get our way with them, I think maybe the thinking is that every now and then we’d actually like to be dominated in a way, and that we’re not generally getting enough of that in day to day life (because that’s when we don’t want it, of course).

    April — Exactly.

    Dee — Yes, the brain makes that distinction, and that’s also why we feel so much shame for liking it in the first place, though.

    mhorts — yeah, I remember being at that flick with this guy I wanted to jump and he was so goddamned horrified after that movie, said he couldn’t have sex for the next week, at all, it was just too far into his head.

  11. Laura

    I don’t fantasize about violence, either. I think about it being someone just having his way with me without asking, maybe me struggeling a little before I discover that I relly like it and then I’m turned into a whore who wants every man kind of thing.

    It is never any violence, but very much like you describe it, Steff. Violence isn’t exactly my thing, although it is some dominating, etc.

  12. Thaϊs

    I am a 23-year-old woman, and never had a consensual fantasy. I discovered masturbation early, at about 5 or 6 (even though I didn’t know the name for it until I turned 11). I am not sure when fantasies became vivid, but they were always, always non-consensual, and very often involved some historical or fantasy setting: warriors invading a town, some medieval revenge scenario, pirates, etc. Most were psychological too: a version of Stockholm syndrome, where I would develop a captive fantasy for a week or two, let it reach its peak, then drop it. Not much violence in those scenarios or no humiliation, but more the stories of obsession, with inclusion of mind games and occasional mild torture.

    Later on I rationalized it as a desire for submission, to surrender control in this world where I have to be a strong, independent and active woman. I am very curious about BDSM as a route to indulge those fantasies. In my BDSM experiments I’ve discovered that I don’t enjoy pain, but I love the experience of being completely overpowered, knowing I cannot do anything to stop whatever is being done to me, and pain could heighten that sensation.

    What I also find very interesting is how widely this topic is explored by female erotic fan fiction writers. You can find stories on all sides of the spectrum, from mild persuasion to extensive and graphic mental and physical torture – all written by women, who mostly associate themselves with the victim.
    And of course, all of them highly condemn real rape and violence, and would never want it to happen to anyone.

  13. Mad Coyote

    I think I may be able to answer this (at least from a male perspective) in a way that will make it much clearer.

    First of all, let me say that I find rape an abominable crime; so much that I am currently preparing to make a career change into fighting human trafficking and enforced prostitution in a few years (need to get necessary education and volunteer experience). I’ve known for some time now that human rights advocacy is the field I belong in- it’s just recently I’ve narrowed it down to these specific atrocities.

    Now to explain the difference between rape and rape fantasies (at least as I understand it…): actual rapists typically feel “powerless” in some aspect of their lives; rape gives them a feeling of power and an “outlet” for their anger and frustration. Such people are extremely selfish (I’d say “sociopathic”, but I’m not a psychologist) to say the least, and have no human value, in my opinion.

    Oh, and there’s the other kind of rapist- the “demoraliser”. Pimps looking to “break” young girls and women so that they do what they’re told, and militias such as the janjaweed in Darfur, Sudan and the Lord’s Resistance Army in the DR Congo fall into such a category. In my opinion, these people are even less lacking in humanity than the first kind of rapist, which is why I have every intention of stopping them in my future career.

    Now, as to the actual fantasy of rape…

    I can’t say I haven’t fantasised about it. But then, so have some of my ex-girlfriends; and it has nothing to do with the reasons I’ve already mentioned.

    It’s about lust, pure and simple. Carnal, primal, animal lust.

    To put aside all logic, all thought, all morality, and just do…to have…to take…

    That’s what a rape fantasy is about. Carnal, primal, animal lust.

    A lot of people here have voiced very negative reactions to their own rape fantasies; which is a good thing in a way, it means you’re a moral human being. However, I believe that if a couple share such a fantasy, and aren’t adverse to acting it out, then there’s nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you have a safeword so that if things do leave your comfort zone, you can stop it then and there. And for the person hearing that safeword- for god’s sake, stop. Acting out a fantasy is one thing. Committing actual rape is unforgivable.

    P.S. I feel I should mention there is another aspect- corruption. For us men, there is a part of us that wants to corrupt innocence; a bizarre desire to “destroy beauty”. This doesn’t necessarily mean rape though- “virgin-killers”- guys who try to sleep with as many virgins as they can- are “corruptors”. (Which is why the “Lolita” archetype made The Sex Files top ten list of sexual archetypes. The idea of seducing and corrupting an innocent is, I think, pretty universal for men. Then again, this is just my opinion.)

  14. Linda

    I will name it a “consensual rape fantasy”. For me, the term “power exchange” works far better. Consensual means that both or all adults involved enjoy the sex and touch, and that NOBODY is getting hurt, and that everybody’s needs for love, intimacy, safety, and respect are being met. I know that real rape is violent, it hurts, and it is not at all erotic. Yes, I’ve had “rape fantasies”, too. Whoever said, “Look at the level of violence involved, if any…” on this blog, THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT. For me, rape fantasies are really a form of BDSM. All my BDSM experiences have been consensual, adult, and very enjoyable. That’s because I CHOSE them. My first experiences were at a “Society of Janus Sampler Night Party”. There were stations, with experienced BDSM Masters where people could try “just a taste” of everything from public flogging to rope bondage to caning or spanking. It was just as fantastic as I dreamed. I will liken my first BDSM experiences to the old American Indian tradition of Quodoshka, or having an experienced, loving elder “initiate” young people into sex. In some tribes, this was a family member or close friend. Everybody wanted one’s first sexual experiences (with a partner) to be totally enjoyable. Sex always makes imprints in the body and mind and soul and emotions of both or all people involved. This is true, be they children, teens, or adults. Sexual violations (incest, rape, verbal harassment, unwanted and invasive touching) make negative imprints. I survived an abusive first sexual relationship. I reclaimed my power, my self-love, my sexual pleasure, and many other precious things. Many people and ideas have helped me. But I had to take the responsibility to “work my program” and heal myself. I’m so glad I did! Now, at 40, I’m clear on what and whom I want, and WHY….

  15. Tamara

    Scribe, the answer is, it varies… you just have to spend a tiny bit of time in the BDSM community to hear plenty of frank discussion of rape fantasies… and in fact I’ve seen many, many creative ways of creating consensual “rape” fantasy scenes. And even done a few myself (Yuuuuuum!). That said, a consensual rape fantasy scene is NOTHING like real rape. There is that whole consensual thing in the way. So I personally don’t see anything wrong in playing with that space; someone who wants to steal the ultimate power from someone wouldn’t be into a consensual scene, and real rape is not about the sex so much anyways.

    But it’s interesting to hear that men worry about their fantasizing about it…

  16. Anonymous

    For years I have had fantasies about rape. I continually imagined a man for whom I felt a strong attraction and trust with seduce and overpower me. In all honesty, I truly believe it is an issue of self confidence and personal trust. If I truly believed that I could overpower and seduce a man in a way that I see other woman do it, my fantasies would turn a corner, but instead, I have seen the opposite. If I do a bit of soul searching, I would say that it is an ego based issue.

    Hence, what I have begun to do is change the way I perceive “choice” in my life. I have seen that, typically, when asked what I would like, I will respond with “it doesn’t matter”. This alone has shown an incredible lack of self confidence and fortitude. So, I catch myself on the spot and, intriguingly, my fantasies have radically changed. I find myself fantasizing about my husband’s penis, constantly. I wonder what is would be like to rent a cabin by the ocean, take a suitcase full of toys and spend the entire weekend under my discretion.

    Hence, my point is that rape fantasies for me have been directly related to self confidence and self perception. The more I change this, the more I find my fantasies changing. Allow to say that this is also the case for sexual communication as well. The more I communicate honestly, the more I find myself wanting to communicate sexually as well.

    Has anyone else experienced this?

  17. A Scribe Called Steff

    COMMENTS FROM WHEN I REPOSTED THIS:
    1. Jeffness
    Posted February 1, 2007 at 11:48 am | Permalink | Edit
    I think rape is a popular fantasy because it allows us to explore a play of ourselves without having to own up to the responsibility that would come with exporing it in real life. If we’d like to experience rough sex, or sex with a stranger, or sex with someone who looks different than our S0, then a rape fantasy gets us there without needing to carry a shred of guilt.
    And, of course, you’re right. The real act of rape is scarring and dehumanizing, and should never be tolerated or encouraged.
    2. Onyx
    Posted May 5, 2007 at 12:21 am | Permalink | Edit
    Thanks for sharing. I have these fanstasies quite frequently. However, the one time I asked my husband to act them out by telling me what to do, was another thing altogether. This is when I realized what we fantasize and what is reality is a totally different thing.
    3. Dark Daughta
    Posted December 19, 2007 at 11:32 pm | Permalink | Edit
    Thanks for your honesty. I visited the blog of a political lefty male who works really hard to not be, as he puts it “a weapon”. He wrote that wimmin who define as feminists, nonetheless end up engaging with him in sexual ways that encourage the idea that he be in more complete control of what transpires sexually. I find it telling that nowhere on sites of wimmin who define as feminist or political do discussions approach messy edges with blog posts like the one you’ve written here. I know I’ve shied away from talking about the wicked, completely power lusting, humiliation, raging sexual fantasies I can have that completely go counter to what I believe about how humans should engage. Sometimes my rational political voice gets involved and flashes me pictures that are very different than the sterile ones I can utilize and manipulate with my mind for fantasy’s sake. In those moments, yes, fantasy and reality collide and the fantasy goes down hard leaving me without my orgasm, head full of the reality of rape which is terrifying and so harmful. Thanks again for this post.
    4. Anonymous
    Posted June 16, 2008 at 4:10 am | Permalink | Edit
    Actual rape is horrible,degrading;the type of thing that can scar a woman for a very long time,leaving some women so humiliated that they can’t talk about it.I once had a lover whom I asked to make real,my frequent fantasies of rape,& being overpowered,sexually.We both received tremedous pleasure from the experience,both having the most intense orgasms ever.Thanks for the blog on this subject.

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