the all-sex diet

mm. this is what i needed, a friday night in, relaxing.
it’d be better only one way, if i had a little quality male companionship, maybe some massages, getting intimate on the floor. that’d be nice. a bottle of red, naked, too many blankets, a small world of candles scattered… mm.
to confess, i’m a little tired and i’d probably fail to be myself. being alone’s really not too bad a thing this evening. i have a beer, a little vancouver herbology, and soon, a long oily soak in the tub. lots and lots of oil. sigh. my own private valdez.
had a nice night earlier this week, but i didn’t realize how much he’d worn me out (and vice versa, i’m sure) until today. i have that sore-all-over kinda stiffness from full-body overexertion, but as much as it’s a little annoying, it’s also nice to know it really was as much work as it felt like. fun work, but still. now that’s my kinda fatigue, baby.
you know what i want? i want to take off the weight i have in mind to lose by way of sex. i don’t really overeat anymore (i sure as shit don’t undereat) but i certainly need more exercise. i need sex. that’s all. all i need is a little aerobics and a lil’ strengthening and toning. i know precisely how to obtain it. a plan of conquest. especially in light of all these well-placed aches. (the inner thighs, the lower belly, the arms, hell, the boobs. oi.)
fuck the l.a. diet. damn the jenny craigs. to hell with grapefruit. watch this, weight watchers. give me orgasms and breathlessness. i know. i’ll call it the all-sex diet.
yeah, that’s the ticket.
“and thursday, we recommend two hours foreplay (staggered for endurance purposes) followed by a rigorous 15-minute doggy style, as well as two sets of wall-aided laterals, and to conclude, water sports, including…”
friday, rest.”
“saturday, turn off the phone. close the blinds. it’s time for a six-hour session of territorial pursuit. you will need: tethers, non-slip surfaces…”
sigh. if i could sign up for that diet, i absolutely promise to take my vitamins every day and even eat my veggies.
i didn’t even have sex with the guy, it was all foreplay, and it was still that strenuous. keep in mind, i cycle, i have freeweights. i may be a bonus lover, but girl’s got endurance, a’ight? the last guy i slept with didn’t even get me close to that overextended. (not that i didn’t try to cause it. some things are mysteries.) it was nice for a change.
(wistful sigh, low groan) yeah. that’s the lifestyle.
but, i ask you, some days, is there just nothing else better than kissing? there’s nothing like the duel of two smooth, soft, energetic tongues. feathery caresses, grip’n’grab gropes. pushin’ up ‘gainst each other, angling for a better, closer position. that slow escalation of breath.
every kiss is an aphrodisiac for another. i can never have just one.
it’s so hot. a guy who can kiss, well, forget his bad points, he’s graded on a curve. kissing, what is it? what is it that makes kissing so damned sublime? it’s almost like necking’s the reminder of all things good. it’s innocence, yet it’s heat.
as much as i love having sex and thus tend to not wait too long for it, i have to admit that it often feels disappointing in a jaded way if necking sessions always result in sex. there’s something really hot about working yourself into that slobbery frenzy brought on by a heated make-out session on the sofa/then bed — and having to let it ride.
do you ever just sit back and enjoy that somewhat sexually frustrated expression on your partner’s face when you just know it can’t go further? not that you’re thrilled to be paining them, but it’s just great to always know you’re the one who’s bringing that heightened sensation into their world, and it’s nice to know they feel that it’s such a loss it ain’t goin’ further.
i guess, for me, i like the anticipation, knowing what’s going to happen next time as a result. i suppose that’s what makes it easier for me, as a chick, is i can honestly say, “yep, gettin’ laid next time” since, well, if I want it, i’m pretty liable to get it, right? how often does a chick want to get laid and the guy say, “well, not right now.” it happens, sure, but the odds are in my favour.
and my powers of persuasion make me suspect i’ve missed my calling as a jedi knight. just saying.
so, i’m on the hunt for the man who can calm my savage beast. when located, the all-sex diet goes full boil. i’m always so gung-ho when i start new things.
what, beginner’s enthusiasm? luckily it takes me awhile to tire of things. 😉 and i’m very, very goal-oriented. love that pursuit.
the all-sex diet program is now accepting applicants.

11 thoughts on “the all-sex diet

  1. The Emissary of the Twin Arts

    But Dr. Steff, with all the other diets out there today, how do I know if the All-Sex Diet is right for me? What are the common side effects? Will I have to buy hundreds of dollars of expensive exercise equipment?

    Perhaps you could come up with an exercise regimen to get me started. Something to help me start off slow and work my way up to the advanced levels maybe?

  2. scribe called steff

    Emissary–

    Whew. All good questions. 🙂

    Is the All-Sex Diet right for you? Well, I know barely anything about you, so I’m not sure.

    Me, I’m a 32-year-old slightly chubby sex writer in the midst of her sexual peaking. I want sex every minute of every day, so I’m motivated. I’m creative enough to keep the “exercise plan” varied to maintain interest, and I’m driven to perform. 😉

    Side effects: Fatigue, breathlessness, discomfort when walking, hunger, muscle cramping, euphoria, hallucinations.

    Cautions include not doing program simultaneously while operating heavy machinery.

    HUndreds of dollars of exercise equipment? Depends what gets your rocks off. The beginning all-sex dieter should make do with a small assortment of necessaries: Massage oils, ropes, toys, etc. But the wise all-sex dieter knows where to look in the home for little things that can be used to keep the interest level nice and high.

    But any all-sex dieter can get started with only the basic assortment of genitalia.

    Unfortunately, experts are working tirelessly to come up with the first ever all-sex diet regimen, so suggestions about how to start off slow and work your way up are not so forthcoming as of yet.

    When our board of experts reaches a concensus on where to begin, you, readers, shall be the first notified.

    ANON — Will that be in the beginners or advanced class?

    Thanks for the compliment. 🙂

  3. Tashe

    Five things:

    1. About that weight thing…I am so hearing you. I wish my prayers for a differnt body upon waking would come true. So far – NOT HAPPENING…

    2. That Sex Diet thing…
    Brilliant. Think about it, prepare the program and post it for us. I’ll try it! If it works you’ll be rich, rich, rich…

    3. Kissing…Honey, there is nothing else in this world sweeter than a good kiss.

    4. That Anticipation thing…ummmmmm…Nothing quite like that either…

    5. Just found you, so I’m still learning…but, how do you feel about Self-Love? Why didn’t you incorporate it into your candle-lit bath? Or didja, and you kept it to yourself? Ha! I’ma check out your vibe on that and get back to ya.

    Thoroughly enjoyed you…Thanks

  4. scribe called steff

    MD — Heh. Done.

    Anon — Hilarious entry about me. Thank you. 🙂

    Tashe — The all-sex diet thing was a bit of a joke, but now I’m thinking, “Sure! Why the fuck not!”

    I’ll ponder a program but that could take a while. 🙂

  5. Ian

    Don’t change a thing. You look wonderful. And, with all the other facets of you in terms of attitude, naturalness, etc., what a gem.

  6. scribe called steff

    Ian — That woman ain’t me. I don’t have boobs anywhere near that size. I’m around her size, give or take, but mostly give. Hair’s shorter. Different colouring.

    But I’m sure AUDRA (her name) would love the compliments.

    April — Yeah, eh? I’m already scheming the nutrition side of things. 😉

  7. Chuck Williams

    great post. unfortunately, being the pig i am, the most intelligent thing i can say right here is…

    drumroll please?

    *brbrbrbrbrbrb*

    much better…

    NICE TITS!

    *rimshot*

  8. scribe called steff

    Sadly, no. That’d be Audra, the model.

    Mine are less of a handful, but authentic. Symmetrical, etc.

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