Filler — A couple good jokes for you

It’s a Monday, and it could be a Very Good Day, depending what goes down, so I don’t want to write right now. I don’t want to tamper with my headspace. It’s sunny, blissful, beautiful out today, and I’m about to head out into the world on my Eurotrash scooter, and plan to find my way to a beach or forest to do some photography. I’m going to try and find Love in images, I think. That would be a fun challenge. (Challenges rock. Ever assign yourself them at the start of your day? Try it!)
But I’d like you to have a smile on your face today, like the one I already have. So, without ado, one of my all-time favourite dirty jokes. I don’t know if it’s really the joke I love, so much as it is the woman I heard it from, and how incongruous the two seemed together. This is why I talk to strangers as often as I can. You just never know. πŸ™‚
Now, I was working in a photo lab back in the day with my colleague Cathy. It was a slow Friday night and we had put out a tray of cookies for customers, for the hell of it. A little old 84-year-old lady stopped in, had some cookies, and began talking to us.
She looked at us both, scrutinizing us. “Do you girls like dirty jokes?” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Do you like sex?” Then she shook her head. “Well, of course you do. We all do.”
Well, anytime you have an 84-year-old lady with plastic glasses and her hair in a bun, leaning heavily on a burled cane, offering to share a filthy joke with you, you accept the offer. Here’s the joke she told.

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In marriage, there are three stages of sex.
The first is called House Sex. This is when you first marry, and you can’t get enough of each other. You have sex all the time, everywhere you can, all over the house. Thus, house sex.
The second stage is called Room Sex. This is when you’ve been together for a couple years and things have slowed down. You still enjoy each other’s company, but you tend to stick to the bedroom and have sex only in bed.
The third stage takes place after about seven years, and it’s called Hall Sex. What it is, is every time you pass each other in the hall, you mutter “Fuck you,” and you’re done with it.

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Little old ladies are wise as hell, huh?

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One for the road:

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse go to court to get a divorce. The judge checks out the paper, frowns as he’s looking them over, glances up over his reading glasses and peers at Mickey Mouse.
“Mickey, look, I’m sorry, I want to help you out. I watched you as a kid, but really, I can’t grant you a divorce on the grounds that Minnie’s insane. I mean, “for sicker or for poorer…” You know? You made a vow, Mickey.”
“Oh, sir, I never said she was insane,” says Mickey. “I said she was fucking Goofy.”

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The rest of my jokes involve priests or sex toys. Well, here’s hoping I have the day I’m wanting to have. Hope you do, too.

9 thoughts on “Filler — A couple good jokes for you

  1. Anonymous

    The three kinds of sex is just great, I like the fuck you last part, somewhat true,but if you work on it, sex is wonderful, if you put your heart and soul into it……………..and everything else.. Here’s to great sex, the world would be a better place if people had more GOOD sex…….

  2. Justin

    My favourite dirty joke:

    A cowboy is out riding in the badlands one day when he’s caught by Indians. They take him back to their village, and the chief says “we’ll kill you tomorrow. Do you have a last request?”

    “Well, I’d like to see my horse, if I could.” The chief gestures, and a brave brings the horse over. The cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear, and the horse gallops off.

    At dusk, the horse returns with a beautiful blonde on its back. The cowboy takes the blonde into a teepee, and spends the night screwing her silly.

    The next day, the chief says “we were so impressed with what your horse did for you, that we’ll give you another day.”

    “Could I see my horse again, please?” asks the cowboy. The chief gestures, and a brave brings the horse over. The cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear, and the horse gallops off.

    At dusk, the horse returns with a beautiful redhead on its back. The cowboy takes the redhead into a teepee, and spends the night screwing her silly.

    “That’s a great horse,” the chief says the next day. “We’ll give you one more day, because we’re curious as hell to see whether or not a brunette shows up next.”

    “Okay, let’s have the horse,” replies the cowboy. The chief gestures, and a brave brings the horse out. The cowboy grabs the horse by the ear and screams: “Posse! P-O-S-S-E!”

  3. scribe called steff

    Anon — I disagree — bad sex is bad sex, and I’d rather be home alone. I’d far rather jill off than have an underwhelming lay.

    Good sex is always worth cancelling plans for.

    Justin — Tee fucking hee. I love that one. Nothin’ like a puss– err, posse.

  4. Tashe

    I’ve always wanted to share this joke…I’ll cut to the chase a little in the beginning, you can fill in your own preliminaries. The rest I’ll give you word for word.

    A billionaire is entranced by a small town in “somewhere”. He decides to settle in and in a short time he’s basically running things. He absolutely loves to laugh. One day he gets bored and he announces that he will award one million dollars to the person that can come in, tell him a joke and make him laugh. He states that there are two conditions. The joke has to be a limmerick and must have the word “Timbuktu” in it.

    People are coming in furiously, day after day, hitting him with limmericks and jokes of all kinds. He’s amused but nothing has really tickled him.

    One day a Jamaican and his Caucasian friend come in to try their hand at the million dollar prize. The Caucasian opts to go first and starts with a flair…

    “If this doesn’t make you laugh your ass off, I don’t know what will. Here we go:
    Far away in a distant land
    All across the burning sand
    Men on camels ride two by two
    All the way to Timbuktu”

    He spreads his arms out and waits for Mr. Moneybags to applaud his wit. Mr. Moneybags is not impressed.

    Now the Jamaican steps forward, it’s his turn and he was going for broke…

    “See here, Mr. Man, Mi ‘ave de bes joke fi yuh. Hear dis, hear dis:
    Mi an mi brudda Tim
    a huntin’ we did go
    Meet up pon tree young gurl, sittin’ in row
    Dey were tree and we were two

    I Buck one and “Timbuktu”…

    Enjoy πŸ˜›

  5. scribe called steff

    I’ve heard a variation on that one, but it’s how I heard it that sticks out.

    I lived in the Yukon for a year and I met some great people, but there was this guy who is now somewhere in eastern Canada, a PGA card-carrying golf instructor by summer and a high-performance ski coach in the winter, and I met him his first night in the Yukon. We got into this joke-telling competition in front of about 20 people, he and I, at the Kopper King’s buck-a-beer Thursday night chaos. I told the above jokes plus a couple more, but he ultimately trumped me by telling his variation on that one — featuring a Frenchman and a Newfie (Newfoundlander–Eastern Canadian who are routinely joked about as being less intelligent than others in this fair land). Thing is, he was fucking awesome at accents, and left my ass in the dust.

    We became best of friends that summer and had an incredible fucking time driving all over the place, but mostly — picking up hot cocoa and a six-pack of glazed donuts from Tim Horton’s, driving to the top of Grey Mountain, and pondering life and love while staring at stars and Northern Lights.

    Hmm. Nice. Thanks for the nostaligia hit. Some days are fucking worth remembering, and some people will never be forgotten, despite being absolute fuck-asses at staying in touch. Sigh. πŸ™‚

  6. sartre

    Hmmm…old women and dirty jokes- I’m thinking Viagra!
    Following the approval of Viagra by the UK’s health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot. Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

    An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice. The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
    “Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
    “So then, why are you telling me?”
    “Hell! I’m telling everybody!”

    A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast; bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow?
    He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
    At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?
    He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
    Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the cafe and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
    He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
    “Well,” she says, “would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking starving!”

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