The Delicate Art of… Face-Sitting?

David E. Kelly starts off with these brilliant shows that eventually get weird and schticky, but so far, Boston Legal is keeping consistently watchable and even loveable.
In a recent episode, William Shatner’s effervescent Alzheimer’s victim-warrior lawyer, Denny Crane, states that when his mind rots to the state of a two-year-old child’s, his bride-to-be has been instructed to euthanize him by way of face-sitting.
Yes, he wants to be killed by snatch.
I’ve written before that the whole face-sitting thing, I can go there, that’s part of the job, I guess, but it does little for me, really. I don’t dislike it, it’s just not a reason to cancel going to the movies, y’know?
That said, I would absolutely feel compelled to give a guy what he asks for from time to time, particularly knowing how wildly fetishistic this love of face can be for guys. If you’re a chick and you don’t get it, try to be a guy for a second:
You’re obsessed with pussy and tits. You have been for a really, really long time. Ass, it’s nice, too. Especially bouncy ass. Very nice, you think. You’ll take two, and don’t call in you in the morning.
Now, you’re a guy who’s in his favourite position – on his back – and not only has this woman come to you, but you don’t even need to sit up to see her. Nope. You’re reclining, life is good, and oh, my God – she’s sitting on you. That nice bouncy round ass is on top of your chest, her twat – that Mecca, that daily fantasy, that height of all things good in your life – is resting on your lowly lips. And, dear god, when she bounces this way or that, presto (or, the gods have smiled, and she’s leaning over and using the headboard for support, and there they are, front and centre – dangling, even). Looming overhead like giants in the Amazon, her breasts. Oh. Oh, ho, ho. Yes. That, there, don’t move – never, ever move – stay right THERE.
Welcome to Male Psychology 101.
Of course, they won’t tell you this. They’ll just say, “I like it. It feels good. You look good up there.” Articulate much, guys?
But maybe it’s hard to quantify. There’s this old Canadian rock song from the late ‘80s by The Northern Pikes, and the song lyrics go, “She ain’t pretty, she just looks that way.”
And it’s kinda how I feel about sex. You may have noticed, I’m an enthusiast. Been known to dabble a tad from time to time in the carnal arts.
But sex looks wack sometimes, man. Face-sitting’s just one of many somewhat amusing scenarios we find ourselves in. Blowjobs, they look kinda silly. Toe-sucking, yes, weird. (Feels great though. Really.) Bondage, well… S&M? Oh, my. It’s a regular freakshow, isn’t it?
Or is it? I mean, every now and then the writer me steps outside and becomes the comedian observer me. He’s doing what to me, where? With what? A kitchen utensil? Shit, that’s weird, I’d think.
But I probably enjoyed myself.
And that’s part of the thing about sex. You sometimes just need to suspend your judgment. Yes, weird things go down. Yes, you have preconceived notions. Yes, you’re a little mystified at how that could possibly be a good thing. But do it anyway.
It’s like sushi. Who knew?

16 thoughts on “The Delicate Art of… Face-Sitting?

  1. sartre

    One of my favorite songs is Barrier Reef by Old 97’s. It makes this funny allusion to going down – “I went through the motions with her, her on top and me on liquor.”

    Anyway, that is my stream of thought mental connection to this post.

  2. scribe called steff

    Olds 97!!!! I haven’t listened to them in, like, a couple years! Shit.

    I’ve got fond memories of listening to them cruising up the Sea to Sky highway up to Whistler BC on the way to a way-too-cold alpine picnic in early May a couple years back. That was a nice day out.

    I’m opening Limewire now. 🙂 Right on. I feel younger already. Snicker.

  3. Beth

    The writer in me applauds your oh-so-conversational writing style, Steff. Always entertaining reads.

  4. Goose and Gander

    My comedian comes out at the worst time too. I hear ya.
    I don’t like to face sit myself, can’t concentrate.

  5. scribe called steff

    Beth — Conversational? Right on. That’s the best compliment you can pay me. 🙂 Thanks, Beth!

    Goose — Heh, yeah. I would if asked, but there’s no way I’m gonna volunteer. It’s too hard for me to keep from laughing about it most of the time.

    If his intention is to make me orgasm, then that’s absolutely the WRONG way to go about it. Heh. I’ll be laughing like I’m front row at a Bob Saget performance or something.

  6. April

    Part of the greatness in having a secure relationship with someone is that you can laugh at things…’cause sometimes sex is just funny.

  7. AlwaysArousedGirl

    There’s no way I can get off while face-sitting, tho I’ll do it from time to time just to be neighborly.

    I’ve got to be able to relax my muscles, and I just can’t do it in that position.

    Is that weird?

    I know a man who can’t come while lying down. Now *that* seems weird.

  8. scribe called steff

    Always Aroused– If I *EVER* get off while face-sitting, I’m abstaining from sex ‘cos I will KNOW there is a God.

    Coming in that position is laughably ludicrous. Standing, check. Lying down, check. Upside-down, for fuck’s sake, check.

    Sitting upon a man’s face? Never gonna happen.

    But yes, in the interest of being “neighbourly,” heh, sure.

    (Although, my neighbour is a 43-year-old woman who’s going bald, has the complexion of a lifelong alcoholic who doesn’t care about herself, and weighs over 300 lbs. I don’t get neighbourly much, myself.)

    April — Yes, I love to laugh about sex with a guy who’s actually IN on the joke. If a guy can’t laugh about sex with me, then I’m withholding orgasms as a fine.

  9. one girl

    One of the last guys I dated use to BEG me to sit on his face (of course I did… I’m more than happy to oblige). Thank you for explaining why he loved it so much. It’s so simple I’m embarassed I didn’t realize why it got him so hard. Can you really not get off from face sitting? That’s SUCH a shame!

  10. figleaf

    Kind of hard to imagine smothering from face sitting though. The way women are shaped either your nose or mouth are gonna be clear.

    As for goofy-looking during sex? You bet! I mean, we generally don’t notice when we’re there ourselves because when we’re in lust we see, metaphorically, in infrared and miss a lot of details.

    I think this like how two dead drunks think they’re having a profound discussion when to a sober outsider they’re just saying “mmmf, sshllussh, y’kno?” When you’re both there, horny, stoned, or drunk, you see with different eyes.

    I’m not sure why or how, but I’ve always enjoyed the goofy faces and awkward movements that go along with genuine arousal and real adult, non-posturing-for-an-audience sex. Besides, when you know it means something’s feeling so good inside you don’t care how it looks you know you’re partner’s feeling just as good.

    Great post, Steff. Thanks!

    figleaf

  11. scribe called steff

    One Girl — Nope, I don’t get off that way.

    I’m actually one of these chicks who’s a bit of a chore to make come. It’s not going to happen with the flick of a wrist, and I can be worked and persuaded for a long while and still not orgasm.

    I need to be in a position where I’m comfortable.

    But then, sex for me is a complete-package experience. I’m there as an avid coinnaisseur, and the full flavour comes from doing all these different things.

    If it was just about the orgasm, I’d likely have closed up shop a while ago. It’s because it’s NOT about the orgasm that I have such a good perspective on it.

    Fig —
    It’s called fiction, dude, the show. 🙂 And I think there are women with saggy, baggy thighs, and men with small nostrils, and that scenario COULD go south in a hurry.

    Yes, we look silly. Weird. Strange. But we know what it feels like, so we interpret the looks to equal pleasure due.

    I liked your comments about the infrared. Thanks. 🙂

  12. Tashe

    I’m learning to be that open, I’m learning to experience all kinds…

    “It may look crazy, but fuck, it feels so good….”

    In a way, it takes so much out of you; because you’re fighting this carnal desire in yourself for so long, when your body’s just screaming for it…

    But when you finally do it, you revel in it, you ride it ’til it’s done and you’re sreaming, quivering, so fucking horny you’re coming from your pores, making it last, desperate to feel it…

    Which one’s better?

    Just try it…

  13. Albion

    Morning, Scribe…
    So glad I put a smile on your face – I can feel the warmth of it in my frosty , snow bound cottage…

    Please, can you adopt compulsory innuendo ain all documentation and office orgasm induced grinning as part of your party doctrine? It would make ministers question time so much more interesting…can you imagine as necking on the back row when they’re trying to have a serious debauch…no, no I mean mass debate :-/

    Vodka should be offereed as an alternative to school milk…I’m a straight rum drinker personally…

    Now, I want to hear about your weekend date in all its down and dirty detail. Promise I won’t tell a soul…you don’t know me very well yet, but I’m a friend…promise…
    psst…is that tape running?

    Sing along with me.. “Now I’m only..24 hours from (insert your own here)” …words, dearest, words…

    Ciao!

    Albion
    ps. I committed my favourite and most heinous typo in my last post – ‘there’ instead of ‘their’ – sincere apologies. Can I beat myself with wet leather? Aw, please? hehe

  14. Sheen V

    Maybe I’m showing my age, but does anyone remember that Monty Python song “Sit On My Face”:

    “Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me.
    I’ll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
    I love to hear you moralize,
    When I’m between your thighs;
    You blow me away!

    “Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you.
    I’ll sit on your face and let my love be truly.
    Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine,
    And we’ll sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play,
    ‘Till we’re blown away!”

  15. scribe called steff

    Sheen — SAdly, I’m not a Pythonophile, so I’ve never heard it, but I don’t think quoting Python’s a sign of age… Python is ageless. 🙂

    I recomment The Holy Grail to every 14 year old I teach!

    -s.

    (And that was good for a chuckle, thnx.)

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