To Sleep With You, Perchance to Sleep?

You know what I love about casual sex? You can tell ‘em to get the fuck out at 4:30 in the morning, and still roll over, and have a great few hours of sleep. It’s awesome.
The problem with my actually caring about a man and sleeping with him is, well, I can’t SLEEP.
I toss, I turn, I fidget. I stare at the walls, wonder when rest is gonna find me. And I hate it, because even though I care about the guy, I’ll find myself sort of resenting that he’s there. And then I resent that, because I know I don’t resent him, and I resent feeling resentful.
Luckily, there’s a couch, a wall, and a door. Ah, the fine art of boundaries.
I’m one of these people, that even thought I’m a passionate romantic and love to fuck like the Energizer Bunny, I don’t have many issues with the idea of sleeping separately. I’d rather be able to sleep together, spoon, caress, plant kisses on the shoulder or suck his fingers, but when it comes down to it, if I have to choose between half-conscious affection, or a good night’s sleep and a lazy Sunday filled intermittently with rambunctious fucking, well, let’s just save ourselves the coin-toss, all right? I know what I want.
But, you know, in a perfect world, I wouldn’t live in a little 1952 character apartment with limited bedroom space and the appropriately-sized double bed. I’d have a sprawling bedroom with a king-sized bed, two duvets, and then I’d have my cake and eat it (and him) too.
It isn’t, however, a perfect world, and I do, in fact, have a double bed. (And a wall, and a door, and a couch.)
What I don’t have, though, are the insecurities that if my guy chooses to sleep on the couch that it somehow means he doesn’t want to be with me. I know it means he’s trying to shore up a little energy for the next round.
And of that I do approve. ‘Cos god knows he’s a-gonna need it, as am I.
Unfortunately, society tells us that couples need to be glued together at the hip. Remember when Linda McCartney died? They made such a big deal about Paul and Linda McCartney having never spent a night apart in all their years of marriage. Oh, swoon went the press corps. Aww, how romantic!
I’m not sure that’s anything I’ll ever aspire to. I see myself wanting to occasionally take a weekend away to myself, or having a night alone here or there. That’s just the way I’m built. I love intimacy. I LOVE IT. I love cuddling, kissing, fucking, making love, spooning, groping, teasing, taunting, whispering naughty things, spankin’, slappin’, laughing, feeding each other, smothering each other’s body… and all manner of other sinfully good mutual delights, but I love my time alone. How would I write, otherwise?
Well, I guess there’s always shipping him off to the couch at 4am, and spending a few minutes writing… Like now.
I guess the point with relationships isn’t about what’s right, what’s wrong, what’s typical. It’s about what’s working for you.
All I know is, I’m on the all-sex diet, and I still get to sleep alone, yet have some toy-time ‘round sun-up and for hours afterwards. It’s truly a beautiful thing. ‘Course, more than three hours’ sleep last night might be a good way to go. Next time. Snicker. Right, yeah, that’ll happen. Isn’t that what the next night is for?

14 thoughts on “To Sleep With You, Perchance to Sleep?

  1. Anonymous

    Steff: I think you are right on with the seperate beds.I have been married 19yrs and we have found that we both sleep much better alone sometimes. I really like all the wonderful things you wrote about,but getting a good nights sleep makes for lots of energy when the urge comes up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Glad your weekend went just like you wrote about. Have a wonderful day in Canada. Regards Richard

  2. Haaaaaaa

    I’m with you. It took me years to learn to cuddle with my wife and sleep. I don’t know what happened, but in the last couple of years I can do it. You’re right, though, a big bed with an independent suspension makes it easier to deal with. We both still sometimes adjourn to the couch if we can’t sleep.

  3. JeN

    Steff, I am totally agreeing with you about the whole fucking but sleeping separately thing. If I ever spend the night at my significant other’s place, neither of us gets much rest and we spend the next day exhausted. I just can’t seem to be able to fall asleep very well if I have to share a bed with someone else.
    I’ve said that if I ever got married or did the common-law thing, then my partner and I would have to get separate bedrooms. People have looked at me like I am crazy.
    Hey, that’s just what works for me.

  4. Beth

    The last guy I dated had a king-size bed and separate duvets, which was a German thing. Each person gets their own blanket. And a good thing, too, and he liked a really, really warm comforter and I just about melted under mine. So he bought me a lighter-weight one when he went back to Germany for Christmas. And then he broke up with me a month later. : o ) But having some space and separate covers certainly helped matters, though you’re right that the best sleep is alone sleep.

  5. scribe called steff

    It’s funny, it’s the sort of thing we get better at understanding and accepting with age. When I was young, a guy being unable to sleep or vice versa was something I took to heart far too much. I used it as a measuring tool for whether or not the relationship would work, or whether it was indeed working.

    Now, it’s too bad if it has to be that way, but it is what it is: Sleep. That’s it. Quality sleep’s important, and now I know what my priorities are at times.

    Ah well. Can’t have my cake and eat it too, but it’s still a good thing.

  6. l'amoureux de KT

    Well, there is a level of subconscious intimacy that actually sleeping together achieves that can’t be otherwise duplicated. I know what i’m talking about. I was married for 15 years and we seldom slept apart, until of course, the marriage began deteriorating in the last couple of annos.

    Since that time, i’ve never felt close enough to any of my subsequent ‘SigOts’ to attempt actual co-sleep. However, this most recent and sole-viable-LTR NewGirlinTown and I snoozed fitfully together only last night and the connection we now feel is somehow, more fully realized.

    Admittedly, we were somewhat exhausted during the following day, but we don’t live together and likely won’t in the near future. Sleepovers will likely be fitful but all about ‘togetherness’ – and industrial-strength orgasms, btw. [love your educational posts for men – thanks!]

    Hit and Miss, i guess.

  7. scribe called steff

    Oh, I’ll be game to have fitful nights with the Guy anytime he’s willing, but considering he’s under severe pain and discomfort post-surgery and I’m just getting over a month of illness, sleeping apart is pragmatic and probably the best thing we can do.

    I’m not worried about the togetherness. I think that part’s going fine and dandy on its own, without needing to force the issue at all.

  8. Goose and Gander

    Nothing wrong with space. I knew Gander was perfect for me when I fell asleep easily with him. That was an important thing for me.

  9. the boyfriend (ow)

    Yeah, without sleep I’d have been a basket case all day Sunday and probably wouldn’t have lasted as long as I did at work on Monday (like Steff said, we’re neither of us at our most healthy right now). While I have never had the easiest time getting to sleep under even optimal conditions, I have some ideas to make it easier for me to crash out with Steff, so it’ll work itself out. 🙂

  10. Anonymous

    Steff, I have to say it’s kinda’ creepy or something……with you writing about your guy and your guy adding comments to your blog.

    I know it’s a free world and people can do anything they want.
    But, this Blog is beginning to give me flashbacks of watching the Brady Bunch or something. It’s almost like……is he watching over your sholder all the time or stalking you? Doesn’t he have anything else to do? It’s making me sick!

    …….just a comment.

    Glad to hear that you’re gettin sum!

  11. The boyfriend

    Hey, she posted to my blog first. And what you see as creepy I see as caring and supportive.

  12. scribe called steff

    The Brady Bunch? Heh. I assure you, it ain’t that.

    Okay, so maybe it’s strange that he comments on some of the posts — from your POV, but from my POV, it’s different.

    I have a few family members and friends who read my shit, and almost NONE of them give me any feedback — let alone support, creatively.

    I wrote this wishlist back in February, and strangely, exactly a month later, had the list fulfilled in the form of Boyfriend.

    So, yeah, he comments, but he’s also really, truly interested in reading my shit. He checks it once or twice a day, and if he doesn’t comment, he tends to offer feedback.

    If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Pretty simple.

    I suspect it’ll settle down a little as time goes on, but if it doesn’t, I’m not sure I’d mind.

    Besides, the guy’s on fucking crutches after surgery. If it’s giving him something fun to do, then who cares?

    It’s the fun, doting start of what looks to be a good relationship. This shit happens.

    And frankly, as a creative person, it’s REALLY FUCKING HARD to find someone who GETS what you do. For them to have ENTHUSIASM about it is a pretty wonderful thing, and it’s pretty damned uncommon.

    I’ll take what I get. Like I say, if you don’t like it, you’re not obligated to read it. I couldn’t give a fuck, honestly, since I ultimately write this blog for my own entertainment. You’re lucky I’m keeping my sappy shit largely to myself right now, ‘cos there’s lots of sap to be had.

  13. scribe called steff

    OH, and ANOTHER point:

    Since it’s obvious he was still reading the blog and commented right away to Anon’s comment up there.

    THINK ABOUT IT… If you were a guy and you had a girlfriend who had this vast amount of writing on sex and her sex likes/hates and deep, revealing shit about who she was, and instead of WONDERING what the fuck to do to keep her happy and satisfied, you could go and delve through all her backlog and learn about her…

    WOULDN’T YOU?

    Guys are always bitching that they don’t understand women. Not only can he understand me, but he does, and it’s ‘cos he reads this shit and absorbs it.

    I get absolute strangers who tell me they’ve spent the last week or two weeks reading my shit in every spare moment, which flatters me, ‘cos they have nothing to gain.

    Boyfriend has blowjobs and orgasms to gain, as well as good cooking and good conversation and company, so he has a vested interest in this.

    I mean, it’s just logical.

  14. SemperSexualis

    I always crave that co-sleep thing. You know, until I get it and huff and sigh and hate that everytime he moves I’m AWAKE. In our house we have a king sized bed and sleep on our own sides with our own blankets. It’s not terribly romantic but I sleep. Sometimes I want my OWN bed, though. Also, the whole never sleeping apart thing… aw… how romantic… and yet somehow it kind of craps on those of us with military spouses who don’t have that “romantic” option. Of course, I’d happily sleep apart from him anyway, so whatever. But I felt a little bitter about that for some reason….

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