Sex Bites

Here’s an assortment of “quickie” pieces.

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A sex theme park is set to open later on this year. “Amora: The Academy of Sex and Relationships” will contain exhibits that focus on improving sexual relationships and enhance people’s loving abilities.

There’ll be life-sized silicone models on which visitors can examine erogenous zones, and more.

Beats the shit out of Madame Tussaud’s, huh?

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Thank god for equality. We’ve all heard of “sex tourists,” be they the pedophiles touring Cambodia for underaged girls, or college students trolling Thailand for Mai-Tais and anonymous sex. Now there’s a destination for women who want to find good, sexy young black men for their fuck-fests.

Dial up your travel agents, ladies. Gambia’s open for business.

Let’s just say that when you’re traveling there, pack some condoms, and make sure you grab a couple boxes of the Trojan XXLs.

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I’m somewhat torn on the subject of prostitution. I fucking hate the duality of public perception on the subject, that’s for sure. Here in Vancouver, the lower-class prostitutes who work the street are still reeling from a campaign of terror that lasted years and years, in which more than five dozen hookers went missing off the streets. Some 27 deaths have been charged to one man, Robert “Willy” Pickton, who owned a rural pig farm and would lure the women out for promises of parties and copious drugs. The women’s corpses were fed to the pigs, and the search for evidence on that farm has been the largest ever crime scene in Canada. (It’s suspected that Pickton was responsible for all the deaths, but finding DNA evidence of crimes to charge the man with is almost laughable, considering the very needle-in-a-haystack odds of finding a tooth or a bone or something on acres and acres of farmland.)

Paying for sex has been something we’ve had institutionalized in society for as long as mankind has walked the earth. From sex slaves in Ancient Rome and Egypt to hookers trolling the streets in England, pussy and cock have always been for sale, and always will be.

I’d like to see prostitution legalized simply because many of the streetwalkers are women with no other options open to them. For one reason or another, they’ve fallen into that life. Arresting them and imprisoning them is simply a means of perpetuating that cycle of need and abuse. Take a woman in that situation and give her a record? Yeah, that’ll solve the problem.

Yet there are high-class “escorts” (let’s call a spade a fucking spade, all right?) who seem to buck the system, who get away with fucking advertising in papers for their services, and yet nothing happens to them. Why does money and class dictate legality? Such hypocrisy.

A whore’s a whore, and that’s the way it goes. If money is exchanged for sexual services, then that constitutes ‘whoring,’ whether you want to get all pedantic and argue the negatives of the word or not, it’s what whoring is. And don’t give me shit if you don’t like the word “whore,” because semantics isn’t an argument I’m willing to engage in. Use a dictionary, people. Why is one type of sex-for-sale ignored, and one victimized? It’s unfair.

Legalize it all, I say. Let’s get off our fucking high-horses and accept that sex will always be bought and sold, and it’s up to us to decide if women deserve to do it in safety. Considering AIDS and other medical threats, I’d say it’s about time we open our eyes to logic.

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Stay the hell out of Philadelphia, men. The city of brotherly love ain’t getting much assistance from the sisters, man.

First, Loreena Bobbit. Now, Monica Randolph. This woman pounced on her husband in the dead of night, and using no weapons, dug her fingernails into his gonad and tried to rip his balls off with her own hands.

Howard Randolph said his wife tore “everything out of the sac and all the skin away.”

Just the thought triggers most men to hunch over and wince, but Randolph said he felt “fine” yesterday thanks to the morphine that doctors administered.

Monica Randolph told arresting officers that she had attacked her husband because he was cheating on her. But her husband denied having any affairs. He remains mystified as to his wife’s motive and demanded that she receive a stiff punishment.

He didn’t see the attack coming. He said he went to bed about 8 p.m. and hadn’t argued with his wife.

“She’ll probably blame her mental illness,” he said. “She’s bipolar, and she doesn’t take her meds.”

What else do I have to say? Poor son of a bitch. She’s been charged with aggravated assault, needless to say.

Chicks like this make chicks like me disgusted. Jesus Christ. I hate loopy women. One of these days, I’m gonna write me a rant on some women, actually. I’m a total feminist, but some of this crap that some of these ass-backwards chicks seem to justify really, really pisses me off. This is totally insane. Wow. (Oh, and naturally there are dickhead men, too, but that’s stating the obvious, and whenever a guy writes a rant about nutbag chicks, he’s slagged as a sexist, so I figure I ought to step up to the plate, y’know?)

I think they’re putting something in that Philadelphia water, people. Yeesh.

Oh, but get this:

Meanwhile, neighbors were left to speculate on explanations for the attack.

“She got to be crazy,” said Dionne Martin, 18, who basked in the spring sunshine on friend Rochelle Odd’s porch steps.

Odd, 21, agreed: “That woman was crazy, but I’m on her side. I don’t think no guy deserves to have his balls ripped off. But she’s got to be deep in love – that’s what would make a woman do this. If they was together all those years and he cheated on her, she wanted him to feel what she was feeling. There’s a lesson to be learned here: Don’t cheat on your woman.”

“Odd” supports the nutsack-attack, it seems. C’mon! “Deep in love?” Deep insane, is what I think. Nothing justifies violence. Nada, nyet, zip, zilch, zero. Get counselling. Get a divorce. Sue ’em for all they’re worth. Don’t attack people, because then you’re just going to pay a price for something you were already victimized for before the fact — vengeance is a good way to find yourself behind bars. How dumb can people get? Jesus.

The guy’s probably a complete prick and deserved something happening, considering how calm and cool he’s pretending to be about all this, but I think his wife has screws loose and could’ve handled things far better, to say the least.