Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy [Insert bleeding here]

Every now and then, I get reminded of how dumb corporate America really is. This is the tab on the Always Slim Maxi with Wings. You pull this off, and you adhere it to your panties. I’ve mentioned this before, but now I’ve photographed it for proof. Dumbasses.

Have a Happy period? And what part of it is supposed to be the happiest — the cramping, the irritability that has successfully been used as a defense in murder, the occasional staining of sheets and underwear, the fact that it costs $10 a month in products, the inability to play/do certain sports, like swimming? Which part is supposed to make me happy, huh?

Here’s a memo, Corporate America: I bleed because I have to. I bleed only because biology deems it necessary. I’ve tried to suppress the bastard through drugs, but when I became a murderous, depressed bitch, I decided that bleeding was an only slightly better option, because then my murderous depression would at least be on the clock.

And you fucking know this slogan was written by some mama’s boy who’s always the first to show up on holidays and who tries to constantly please every woman in his life.

Happy ain’t part of the gig, man. I’d be more loyal to a product that called it like it is. How’s this:

Your period sucks, and we know it. That’s why we’ve made the best product we can. Here’s hoping it makes things just a little better for you today. Oh. And don’t kill anyone. Here’s 50 cents off your next bottle of Midol.