(Okay, a disclaimer. I will NOT be posting the private info of anyone who has contacted me through Craigslist. Everyone will remain anonymous. I will, however, air certain message contents if it illustrates a point, such as: There are people who say mean and crass things for the hell of it. One might wonder why I feel such things need to be illustrated, but the fact of the matter is, e-dating scares a lot of people, and one or two bad apples may turn that person off the e-dating for good — and may well mean they remain single and lonely. And THAT would suck. So, for all those out there with skin not so thick as mine, this is a post for you, all right?)
It’s nice to think that we have this big, shiny world filled with rules and manners and protocol, but the reality is, they’re all guidelines, and it’s a choice as to whether or not you want to join the party of good, decent folk. Sadly, some opt out of that party.
E-dating’s kinda like dating on steroids. Bigger, better, faster, and able to smother you in a blinding second. It’s even worse if you’re female.
I haven’t been inundated with responses to my ad, I’ve had about 60 responses in about 36 hours, but this time I had the smarts to post on the weekend, and by the time the workday rolls around and office slackers everywhere are looking for time to kill on Craigslist, my posting’ll be buried down low. Not quite as fresh of meat, so to speak.
And that’s just fine with me. Fact is, a lot of guys seem to have form letters they send in response, and you know it’s the case because they say NOTHING about your ad. Ignore those. Then there’re the bright guys who send a “You’re interesting” note with two lines and a phone number. And there are the ones who don’t include photos, even when it’s bluntly stated I won’t respond without one. There’s a lot of crap to wade through, is what I’m trying to say.
I find this whole thing rather overwhelming. The trouble is, you need to believe you’re everything you’ve said you are. I do, kinda, but I also remember all the voices in the back of my mind from the folks who decided to opt out of the party, and that’s the part that makes it so much harder.
Let’s put it bluntly. There are some real bastards out there in the world, people who are petty, or have the wrong intentions, or just have chips on their shoulder that make ‘em lash out.
Me, I’m a good gal. One of the nice bunch. I say what I mean, mean what I say, and try to be as nice as I’m able. I’ve been trying to send nice rejection letters out, since there are men who’ll never fit my mold. Most guys are really cool and take it well and wish me all the best. Hence the saying “Take it like a man”, you know?
But assholes abound, nonetheless. Let me give you just a few examples of the ones I’ve encountered. But, here, if you haven’t read the comment and don’t know where my ad is, why don’t you go ahead and read it, then? Click here. In it, I mention I blog, but since Craigslist won’t allow URLs, I had to be coy about where my blog is, et al, by way of giving my Scribe handle and telling ‘em to Google it.
The first notable dick was a guy who took time out of his clearly busy, involved life, to let me know I’m a legend in my own mind (my mind appreciates the notice since it appears to have missed that memo) and that a search of my name yielded just three or four hits. Yeah. Okay. (Google tells me it’s just under a thousand, not a huge number, but still cool.) Whatever. I didn’t claim I was Hemingway or some brilliant writer. Instead, I’m a chick chasing a dream. Some people clearly take issue with such naïve pursuits.
Then there’s this guy, “You seem to know how to write, creative and such, but than you focus on Partner in crime,………. what the heck does that really mean, is that just a loss for words, but you being the writer, must be a writers block. To me that means, lazy, no thought, non creatative and so on.”
I decided to leave his shitty grammar in because I feel like being petty. “Partner in crime,” Mr. Brilliant, means someone I plan to do a whole lotta-lotta sinning with. Lock the doors, turn off the phones, close the windows, call the coppers, ‘cos something nasty’s gonna go down.
Then there’s the guy that sent a few coy one-liners, including after I sent my photo, who I then politely told I was uninterested in because he didn’t know how to volunteer information. So, he responds, “All you have to do is ask, Kittycat.” Well. I don’t want to have to ask. I like a man who can express thought unprovoked. Naïve? No. I’ve dated them before. Functioning braincells, operational voiceboxes, powers of articulation. You know. The expressive man is not the Loch Ness Monster; he does truly exist. So, I said so kindly, at which point he said, “No skin off my ass. I lost interest when I saw your pictures.” Oh, that’s why you persisted in sending more responses? Right.
So, the moral of the story. If you post a public ad, develop a thick skin. There are jerks who will treat you badly. I, wisely or otherwise, posted a public ad that connects to something with my name attached – this blog. I’m trying to take the high road and respond to everyone politely ‘cos the last thing I need is someone spreading rumours that I’m a complete cunt. I recommend staying anonymous, if you can. I’ve done this publically before, and I’ll do so again. If I get a few extra hits, then that’s just spiffy.
But, in the midst of the dicks are some guys who offer a lot of promise. It’ll be hard figuring out into whose baskets to drop my eggs, but we’ll see how it turns out. I’m going slower this time. Last time, I cut off the competition on day two when a sort-of face from the past emerged. Ironically, if it’d been just two weeks later, he’d have shattered his leg and we’d never have met. There are some good aspects to that – I might’ve had an easier time of it at times and so forth, but I don’t know that I’d change anything that happened. I’d have gone through less hardship had we just been friends, but I’d have missed out on some good stuff, too.
So, now I’m going to take my time and see how things progress. I wish it were a little simpler, and wish I could be the heartless cunt that doesn’t let guys down gently, if at all, but I’m not. So, I’ll probably still get some more hate mail. I could be a total bitch and post them publically for all y’all just to get you rallying around me, but that’s beneath me, as I indeed travel the high road.
There’s no link to your ad 🙁
My apologies. Fixing it now. Blogger’s being an uppity bitch, so we’ll see if the fix works.
Yep, Blogger’s being an uppity bitch, but I guess we get what we pay for.
Some of the boys on dating sites (I’ve never waded into Craigslist waters) have SERIOUS issues. Not that women don’t have issues, too, but women, like you and me, seem inclined to reply to everyone, cite something from their ad to prove that we’ve read it, generally tr to be a decent human being about this crazy little thing called love.
In my last Match.com experience (which, to my mind, was my last Match.com experience), a boy who had written to me during a previous Match stint wrote, only he seemed to have forgotten he’d written to me before. I had been somewhat impressed with his e-mail the first time around, and so I’d saved it.
I don’t have to tell you that his second communication was a cut-and-paste job, matching his earlier missive almost word for word.
I sent him a good-natured note back, calling him out on it with a wink.
And he replied with a very snarky e-mail.
Oh, right, Mr. Fabulous: Get pissed at me because I caught your lazy ass.
There’s a lot of the cut-and-paste thing going on, though, and I would suspect that goes for both sides of the coin.
I’ve also had some really wonderfully literate letters thus far where they refer to my posting and talk a little about me, too. If I see that they mention nothing about my post or me or anything in the “us” forum, then I immediately flag the letter, just in case.
I mean, not that it all has to be about me, but who’s kidding who? It needs to be somewhat about the person who wrote the ad cos it’s a quid pro quo deal, right? Sigh.
When I’m president of the universe, there’s gonna be some changes, man.
On the positive side, the Craigslist ad may bring lots of new non-lazy/non-creepy readers to your blog, as it did in my case. Good luck with the ad.
yikes!
This whole craigslist thing should be a study for psychology majors. Men are piggish by nature and (especially for the over-40 year olds) the Internet seems to bring the most out of them.
The way I see it:
– 40+ men are basically bitter
– 40+ men are not getting any
– because of this they are grumpy
– grumpy to the point of wanting to piss all over everbody’s parade (might even be a fetish site for that)
On behalf of all those nimwitted ass@#$(* ….. well, what can one say.
I think it’s always been that way. Historically the bad men have gone to war. These days they immerse themselves online.
Remember:
porn is to man as vibrator is to woman
thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts – I’m considering diving into the world of online ad-posting as well. However, scanning through ads others have posted sometimes leaves me feeling a bit pessimistic about the whole endeavor. I have, however, opened a brand new online dating email address!
Beth,
I think you’re right. Witness this example:
http://prdifferently.typepad.com/my_weblog/2006/07/how_not_to_act_.html
Ladies, probably best to avoid this guy.
AN Onymous
aka Bob Logger
Sorry, here’s the link.
How Not to Act on J-Date
AN Onymous
(aka Bob Logger)
I’m a guy who has some great and some not-so-great experiences with craigslist (and Nerve.com, back in the day).
I’m also a guy who takes the time to write a personal response every time. There are a few of us out here. On more than one occasion I’ve drafted a clever piece of prose for an audience of one, only to get no response, not even a polite “thanks but no thanks.” It’s disheartening, and it does give me some small bit of sympathy for the cut-and-paste crowd.
But I have to confess that there are a few phrases which show up time and again, to the point that they’ve become pet peeves of mine. I can’t recall replying to any ad that included the cliches “love to laugh” or, yes, “partner in crime.” Not that I’d ever write to these women to knock their choice of phrases; life’s too short for that. But though I’m happy to BE a partner in crime, I don’t think I’d want to be called one.
Steff, your ad contained enough well-worded original thought that the “partner” part probably wouldn’t have stopped me. But it still made me cringe a little. Sorry.
Good luck and thanks for sharing this experince with us. I look forward to reading about your further dating adventures.
– Sean
I thought your email was smart and honest. Good luck!
FROM WHEN I REPOSTED THIS:
1. Milan
Posted October 23, 2006 at 12:43 pm | Permalink | Edit
You don’t want to be a Jason Fortuny.
2. scribe called steff
Posted October 23, 2006 at 12:46 pm | Permalink | Edit
How about you read the post before you jump to conclusions?
3. Milan
Posted October 23, 2006 at 12:52 pm | Permalink | Edit
I read the post, and I am sympathetic. That said, public shaming is a poor means of achieving justice.
4. scribe called steff
Posted October 23, 2006 at 12:57 pm | Permalink | Edit
There are a lot of folks out there doing the e-dating thing, and when people treat others badly in that forum, it can leave lesser persons really, really hurt.
It may seem like public shaming to you, but to me it’s record keeping, and it’s a way of letting others know that these things happen and you can’t let it get under your skin too much.
5. Milan
Posted October 23, 2006 at 1:00 pm | Permalink | Edit
There’s a balance to be struck, I agree. And I mean no disrespect to you.
Some kind of trusted referral system would be awfully useful, when it comes to learning which people to trust.
6. scribe called steff
Posted October 23, 2006 at 1:08 pm | Permalink | Edit
Okay, then. I’ve posted a disclaimer. I’ll air no one’s private details — never would. But I still think it’s important to talk about the fact that there are real jerks out there that make dating a pain in the ass, particularly in e-dating, where the cloak of anonymity means they’ll say things and do things that are crueller and more callous than normal. When it comes to e-dating, it’s almost a last ditch chance at dating for a lot of people. ALl they need to do is run into some of these dicks, and they might be scared away and doomed to stay single and lonely.
If some prick recognizes himself in my posting, that’s too bad, but there’ll be no details for the rest of the world to figure out who he is.
I think it’s a Kant “for the greater good” argument.
I still think Jason Fortuny’s one of those guys who needs to be taken out back and beaten. What he did was reprehensible. I know the limits, and I won’t cross them.
Thanks for trying to be a good guy, though.
7. Milan
Posted October 23, 2006 at 1:12 pm | Permalink | Edit
I don’t know about your situation, or the experiences you’ve had. The world would be better if people had to be honest and accountable. That said, the means by which progress is achieved is important. Obviously, we both understand this.
Best of luck in the future, and I have always enjoyed reading what you have had to say.