Playing the Game and Taking Chances

I have had a hell of a couple of weeks, and I’m glad things are going much better. My dad should still be in the hospital this coming week, but he’ll be home in the next 10 days or so.

I’m giving myself a slack weekend, and then I’ll be getting cracking, back to work on things. I have trouble managing my time, so I need to find a way to get everything I need to do done in the best possible time-frame, because I need more do-nothing or wut-I-want weekend days in my life.

I need to make time available so I can find a way to get a guy involved in my life. I’ve been one of those people claiming I don’t have time for love for too long now, and it’s time I figure out a way to make that change. I don’t want to be single. I want to be a party of two for a little while and I think I’m finally ready to go that route.

I saw a show recently where a person said the best thing they ever learned was To not waste time. And it’s time I learn the truth of that for myself, I figure.

I was thinking about the podcast I need to finally get to when things settle down. I want to do a show about being single when you don’t want to be and the frustrations it brings. There are a lot of times I’m really cool with being single, and I think it comes from sort of knowing that I need the time to sort myself out or make changes in my life, and I’m all right with that. I can almost resign myself to enjoying it, really.

But there are times when we realize that it’s about as together as it’s going to get, you know? Moments when you realize that, hey, there’s always going to be a wrinkle in the fabric. That’s just the way it goes. And I’m a pragmatist, too. I don’t think there’s “one right guy” for me. I’m open-minded about people and try to see the best in folks, if they’ll let me. And because there’s no one right guy I also don’t suspect there’s one right relationship for forever and ever. I would hope I could find that, a person worth making that kind of commitment to, but I know the odds are sort of stacked against that.

Relationships are subject to variables and outside factors, just like gamblers’ odds. You have to acknowledge variables — money, status, geography, careers, medical issues, time constraints, responsibilities, and plain old luck — and you have to realize that any combination of variables could serve to bust even the most hardiest of bets. People want to think that a great combination of interests and compatibilities and even trust and communication are enough to sustain a relationship through hard times. But, no. Not often.

So, I expect most relationships to fail. A bit cynical, perhaps, but it’s just realism in my books. I accept things are liable to fail at the outset. I don’t try to stack the deck, though. I just watch with a bit of a removed stance. Look for variations and tells.

Relationships are a risk. And yeah, they often end not so well. But the point is to enjoy the ride while it lasts. Play the game for the game, not the outcome.

So, I’m feeling like I want to be stuck in a moment. And I know I got game. I expect I’m liable to get hurt or disappointed at some point down the line, yet it still seems like some fun could be had before that fact. I’m at the point now where I’m getting sick of being single, ‘cos I actually have got the nerve up to go out there and be vulnerable again. Whump! Hear that? It’s the sound of my guard dropping. So, we’ll see what happens. The Craigslist thing was a waste of time — too much has happened. I might have something in the works. We’ll see. You will be apprised of developments, to be sure.