Stumbling Towards Dating

I wrote a posting not too long ago, I guess, about wanting to get back to dating, et al. This was around when all the shit came down with my dad, so I’ve had a lot of time to think about things since.

A reader had commented something to the effect of, “Yeah, I hear a lot of talking, but what are you actually doing?”

I didn’t respond, but I’ve been giving it thought. Truth be told, I wasn’t doing a lot about it. I placed the Craigslist ad in the hopes that it would all magically work out and I’d suddenly stop wanting to isolate myself and work, but I’ve now realized the timing was off. I was telling myself I was ready for a relationship and now I think I wasn’t as ready as I’d like to be.

Not that there’s any kind of magical right amount of readyness. But I know I didn’t really have it. I’ve had a lot of self-doubt lately and a lot of questioning going on inside. I’m a little lost, to tell the truth, but I’m starting to feel like I’m finding myself again. Thing is, it’s been a tumultuous year for me and it’s hard to get your footing when the rug keeps getting pulled out from under you. And sometimes it’s easier to lie to myself about just where I’m at than it is to tell the truth. This being-human-ergo-fallible thing sucks ass.

In the past month, I’ve gained weight. I’m not happy about this. I’ve had a lot of stress and I just stopped exercising. I doubt I’ve gained much through eating, but still. I was pissed when I could no longer pretend that I hadn’t gained weight earlier this week. This is the first time in a couple years I’ve put any weight on. And, I’ll tell ya something, it ain’t staying put.

So, you wanna know what I’m doing then, do ya? This week and next are for recalibrating myself. I started a new fitness plan yesterday and by the way my muscles feel now, it’s working already. Later, to the beach for a walk. Monday, a new hairdo. My place is getting into the kind of condition where I’ll finally enjoy having company, which means it’s time to meet men. In the next week or so, I’ll get an ad up on Plenty of Fish, and I’ll see how things are going. I’m going slowly into the realm.

The Craigslist thing is difficult to do. It worked well the last time I did it, I guess, ’cause a familiar face emerged and I didn’t need to really try to pick and choose through 200 guys for who might make the best date. It’s VERY overwhelming to have all that interest at once. I tried to set up a few different dates, but I was being open and saying that there were a couple people I just wanted to meet and see what was happening with. Didn’t work. I should lie more, it would seem. I just can’t. I’m so fucking honest that I definitely have limitations in some ways. Keeps me out of some games. Whatever. I didn’t enjoy the Craigslist thing this time. I’m having some negative “men are such cowards” thoughts these days, so I’m hoping to put those to bed before I jump into the Plenty of Fish pool.

So, I’m going back to the online dating thing indeed. It’s more of a manageable flow. And I really think I need to get into more light, non-committal dating for a bit. I don’t know if I want the emotional intensity of a deeper relationship. That could just be fear of getting hurt talking, though. I suspect somewhere inside I’d probably really enjoy one of those deep and trusting relationships that have all those secret doors left open or at least ajar.

I do have to confess: It’s about time I gained some weight. I’ve lost a lot and without much effort, which is a good thing and a bad. If you don’t have to try and yet you’re losing weight, it’s easy to take food for granted. This scare with my dad kind of sent me eating bad for a bit, and now I’m trying to make up for it. It’s not like I’ve gained that much, but all the shirts that were just becoming lose have ceased and desisted the looseness and some even got a bit tighter.

But exercise is something that I tend to be excellent at if I can keep it up. I’m a strong girl. Big girl, but strong. This is probably the most intense a workout plan I’ve ever undertaken, but I absolutely loved it yesterday and felt great all day. And my endurance is pretty damned good when I get going on a workout plan. Like the Energizer Bunny, babe.

As soon as I have that feeling-great feeling every day, I’m totally all-in the dating game. But there’s no sense dating when you don’t feel sexy. And I haven’t been. Felt pretty cute yesterday though! I think, in hindsight, I was trying to provoke myself into being ready. I do that. Kinda faking myself out a bit. What? It works. Especially when some reader comes along and calls it like it is.

But don’t you go gettin’ ideas now. I see the light and I’m getting my shit together. The Further Chronicles of Steff will surely have some new fodder in the coming weeks. I will say this: I don’t believe in New Years’ Resolutions, but every Christmas Eve, I find some time to myself, do some writing, and take stock of who I’ve been in the last year and who I’d like to be in the coming year. It’ll be nice to have momentum before the calendars change again. Kinda fun. :)

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