Dating: My Way — Some Reasonable Tips, Part One

Well, after being pressured (oh, the pressure!) into doing a dating guide, I gave it some thought and decided Yeah, I have thoughts. I have a lot of thoughts. You want my take on dating? I believe in a kinder, gentler dating world, and in my world, everyone would follow my common sense take on things. This is at least two parts, possibly three. I’m too lazy to organize it, though, so it’s coming out as I wrote it.

Stay tuned for the next part, sometime next week, but here’s part one. First, my credo:

  • I don’t believe there are do-or-die rules.
  • I don’t believe in systems.
  • I don’t think you should ever try to ‘snag’ a person – they’re right for you or they’re not, and if you need to change yourself, well, keeping them in the longterm is unlikely ‘cos you’d be changing for the wrong reasons.
  • I believe every date is an entity in and of itself – focus on the moment ‘cos the future’s just a question mark.
  • I believe in being true.
  • I believe in going with the flow.
  • I believe in following your instinct.
  • I believe in chemistry, and I don’t believe it’s conjureable. It’s there or it’s not.
  • I don’t believe those who say “only call once” – I say go ahead and call a second time or follow up with an email. I agree that it can be pushy or perceived as aggressive, but if they’re not interested anyhow, another call isn’t going to hurt your chances, now is it? But what if? What if your message got dropped along the way, or they accidentally deleted your number, or toasted your email? It would suck if you’d jumped to conclusions. Give it time in between, but if you don’t hear back the second time, yer done. They’re not into you.
  • Don’t be late, or at the very least, call in ADVANCE when you’re running late and tell them. If they’re rushing to get ready on time and then you show up late, they’ll wonder why you didn’t make the same effort they did. Strike one.
  • If you’re a chick and the guy’s picking you up, be ready. I’ve never once met a man who enjoys waiting for a woman to get ready. Break the stereotype, girls. That means having your coat and shoes ready, your keys in your purse, your makeup done. It means being ready to walk out the door.
  • Don’t be nosier than you have a right to be. What they make, if they own their place, whether their car is paid for, what level schooling they have… none of these really matter, and for you to make them a central issue indicates you’re probably more hung up on status than you are about who they are under the skin.
  • Don’t ask boring questions. Find out what makes them tick. Ask about happy memories. What’s a great Sunday. Are they enjoying life. Books, movies, music, dreams, goals, best laugh ever.
  • Don’t talk about exes. You might be over them, but your date doesn’t know it.
  • Don’t talk about your troubles. Your date’s not your shrink. Most people, most of the time, don’t give a shit about your problems. They’d rather talk about the movies. Let ’em grow fond of you, and then they’ll naturally care about your problems. Give it time.
  • Don’t talk on your cell phone. It’s rude. Turn the thing off.
  • Hold the door open for your date – even if you’re a girl. It’s classy and it’s just plain good manners.
  • If you’re on a dinner date, know your etiquette. (I wrote something on it a while back. Part one here, part two here.) Eat slowly. Take your time. Spend more time looking at your date than you do your food. Eat small bites so they don’t have to wait awkwardly for a minute or two while you’re mashing your honking bite to bits before you can answer the question they just asked you.
  • If they ask you a question that cuts too close to home on a difficult subject for you, and you’re into them, be honest. Smile, look them in the eye, and just say, “That’s a great question, but it’s a hard topic for me. Can we save that for next time?” They’ll appreciate your honesty, and you’ll show them you can be vulnerable yet composed. It’s an attractive balance.

Part two’s done, but I go by whim ’round these parts, so it may be posted tomorrow, maybe next week. Depends on many things. 🙂 Stay tuned.

Whatchoo think about these ones so far, though? Any thoughts?

9 thoughts on “Dating: My Way — Some Reasonable Tips, Part One

  1. Tara Dawn

    I think too many people take the first date entirely too seriously. But your rules, like you said, are common sense and I agree entirely! I like to start my dates off with asking this or that questions: Squirtle or pogs? A man without appreciation for Pokemon or useless 90’s toys has no place in my love life…

  2. me

    My date and I were set up. And we tossed the rulebook out the window from the start.

    In the first email that he sent me blind, he asked what my idea was of a fun night out. I wanted to write back, “my idea of a great night out involves hot wild passionate sex at every location we stop at,” just to see what sort of response I’d get. But I decided against it. (I did subsequently tell him how close I came to actually hitting “Send” on that one.)

    I phoned him first. And picked him up – he was visiting my friends in my town.

    During dinner he told me about a previous first-date, in which the girl said she didn’t want to swim anywhere there was fish. I frowned and said that’s a lot of places. He said, “I know!”

    I ordered lobster on linguini in red sauce, since I was planning on paying. (I invoked my fingers. I was wearing a white top, and got a speckle or two. Neither of us cared.) Being single and new to the town, I didn’t often get a chance to go to fancy restaurants with lobster on the menu. But he ended up footing the bill, embarrassingly enough.

    We were holding hands by the time we were walking to the car. And when we got there, ditched the jazz club plans and proceeded to make out only for a couple of hours.

    When I told this to my friends, some said we were going rather fast (but I knew that).
    One however, said “mature people date differently”.

    I’d like to think the latter was true.

    – me.

  3. myself

    “One however, said “mature people date differently”.”

    I think that the above that “me” wrote is totally true, and Steff, your rules, totally, if it’s not relaxed, you’re not going to figure out who that other person is, and decide if you like them or not.

    My guy and I yakked online because of common musical interests (we’re both songwriters and amateur musicians) for months, and decided to meet for the first time about 6 months later.

    Both of us, coffee, sitting on the picnic table behind McD’s, middle of humid Montreal summer, sipping coffee, me barefoot and cross legged, him just having come from his landscaping job, and it was the most comfortable “first date” I’ve ever had in my life.

    I don’t do what is perceived as “normal” (what is normal anyway?), I think it depends on the 2 people, but personally, I really don’t need to be impressed by what we do on that date, I need to be impressed by conversation, and the basic personality of the person involved.

    Hey, worked for us, 7 months later….

  4. Jas. Beardsley

    I got drunk and went skinny dipping with a girl at a party and now I’m dating her.

    Talk about getting to know her!

  5. scribe called steff

    You know, the reason I wanted to NOT post tips is because I think every date is completely unique and you just have to go with the flow. Me, I tried to follow all the rules and it didn’t help me in dating, in fact, it hindered me. I’m a strong, unique woman, and if I’m not truly being myself, then I’ll attract the wrong guy. I think this is true for anyone.

    I had written this, and I wrote the “every date is an entity in and of itself” and when I was editing it to post it last night, I couldn’t remember what the fuck I meant by that, so I tacked on some bullshit line that’s up there now — and now I remember that I meant you can’t follow some routine approach and luck out.

    The extraordinary dates are the ones that defy convention. Every now and then it comes along, and it’s a wonderful experience to just go with the moment and do what’s natural. Some people don’t have that confidence though, and they’re the ones who need these rules.

    Me, I don’t care what a date is. I don’t care what we do, where we go. It’s about hearing his thoughts on the world, the interacting that follows, and hopefully the chemistry that ensues.

    Some of the above tips will yield great results. Some will be the wrong move at the wrong time. It’s up to you to know how to proceed — ultimately, though… rules, places, clothes, all of that doesn’t mean dick if you’re not being yourself. If you’re yourself and they’re into you, that’s all it takes. That’s it.

  6. me

    Yep, I can’t disagree about the people who need the rules. We’re all at different phases of growth.

    Looking forward to Part Deux!

    – me.

  7. Mind Maelstrom

    You know, I started thinking about first dates and realized I never had one with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for almost four years now and I can’t even think of how it all started–I remember we were very good friends at one point, and then we were still very good friends except there was very good sex involved… Life is weird :).

  8. Christopher

    The first “date” with the girl I have now been with for a little over a year was a happy hour with mutual friends…

    The second through fifth dates were “running dates”. When you’re both out there exercising and sucking wind, there isn’t much room for petty small talk, so you know if someone says something it’s probably a sincere thought and something that’s important to them.

    Of course, stopping for Slurpees at 7-11 after the run and walking a mile or so made for some great additional chatting.

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