The Further Adventures of Becoming Myself

The calendar month has flipped for the last time this year. 2007 looms. Yay, 2007.
In 1999, my mother died. New Year’s Eve that year was a night to remember, as everyone was running around, scurrying like scared rats on a ship going down at sea. Everyone thought the Y2K bug was going to shut down the world. Chicken Little was our mascot. Things heated up even more when, days before, a would-be terrorist was found pretty close to my home, who had ambitious plans on trying to do something to Seattle’s Space Needle. All of those things conspired to make me just wish the year would come to a close in a hurry. My friends and I gathered for a movie about the last night of the world (Last Night, a Canadian indie apocalyptic flick in which the end of the world has been known for six months, and it’s a look at how the last night is spent amongst a handful of people) and for the requisite shit-faced drinking that comes with the end of a calendar year.
Me, I wrote a poem for the occasion, and then we went and took an aerosol can and used it as a flamethrower to ceremoniously end the year as I read the last line of my poem to my friends: “the millennium dawns in minutes mere, so let’s burn this fucker and have a beer.”
Something tells me my 2006 calendar’s going up in flames in 29 days. If nothing else that night, the calendar’s getting torched.
You hear talk of “lost years”, the years in which people sign out of their lives and discover who they are, etc. I’m calling 2006 my Lost & Found year. Hence the photo I’ve included here, which I shot in November, and I cheekily call “Finding Myself”. (Blogger’s not cooperating. The photo will be added later.)
You people have had a bird’s eye view on my life, and those that have been dedicated readers for the entire duration know a few things about what’s all gone down, but you’re nowhere near completely informed. I keep a lot to myself as well, but suffice to say, in all the turmoil and angst and struggle, this blog has been a right bitch to keep alive. But it’s been worth the fight and I know that, in the coming months, a new era of blogging will be dawning for me.
I’m looking forwards to 2007. My Lost & Found year has redefined me in many ways, but it’s also awakened me to all the things I’m not that I wish I were. I have a song running through my mind, an old Canadian indie hit from the early ‘90s, “All the Things I Wasn’t” by a defunct band called The Grapes of Wrath. I’m trying to focus on all the things I am but haven’t been.
This year has woken me. I know who I was, I know who I ought to be, and I think I know how to get from here to there, even without GPS to aid me.
At 33, I’m becoming more of myself on a daily basis. I’m realizing that there are things I do I dislike – that of trying to always be the nice, generous, good girl. That of allowing my insecurities to change how I am in front of others. That of conforming when the last thing in the world I really want is to fit in – I want to stand out, be someone different, someone worth watching. And I know I can be. There are so many things I want to change, and I’m taking a long, hard look at how I want to be in the years that come.
But that’s the thing. We’re all learning how to be ourselves. I don’t care if you’re 16 or 82, the path to who you are is never one that ends. Unless you want to stop the growth and change. It’s you who decides what to take from this life. And I’ll tell you, I’m taking every little fucking thing I can from it. I want it all, man. I want it all.
I like the challenge of changing myself. I like the struggle of growth and maturity and not only gaining wisdom, but understanding it. I love living the examined life. I’m astounded at how much there is to learn about myself and my world, and how little it seems I really do know. Sometimes I grow cynical and believe it’s just the same shit every day, packaged in another way, but then I have these moments of child-like awe and wonder… That, no, it’s not the same. It’s not even the same ballpark, unless I want it to be. I assign value to the passing moments in my life, and sometimes I even get it right.
I’ve been thinking a lot about goals and values and who I am. I’ve been thinking a lot about my dreams and where I wish to be. I’ve been thinking a lot about me. Nowhere in that picture do I worry about there being a man to hold me and comfort me through it all. It’s funny, I was walking down the nearly empty street last night, on my way home, when the old Eurythmics song “I Need a Man” spun into play on my iPOD. I began dancing and singing my way home, laughing my ass off at Annie Lennox’s comical and fun vocals in that track. I may need a good shagging, but I need no man.
I find myself reflecting on my last relationship with a lot of regret these days, not because of anything that really happened, not because of him, none of that. I regret that I wasn’t who I ought to have been. I regret that I tried to make another person happy instead of appeasing myself. I think that in finding happiness within ourselves, it just spreads. Joy spreads. Happiness spreads. Love spreads, as the Stone Roses sang. When we pursue any of those for the wrong reasons, things just tumble out wrong, I find.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I’ve made a lot of them this year. And that’s just fine, because I learn from them, as well. Much of how I operate in this world is “do it” then I either fuck it up or I succeed, but either way, I learn, and that’s all I can ask.

7 thoughts on “The Further Adventures of Becoming Myself

  1. Youngster

    Hi Steff:

    OMG!. You have described my life and my feelings about it during this 12 month Gregorian Period we call 2006 perfectly! I am near tears as I read this.

    I don’t know what else to say other than Thank You! Thank you for being the expert author of so many thoughts and reflections upon life during this incredibly tumultuous year for me.

    Though many things about you & me are different: gender, age, country of origin, I am a newly single parent (on account of a divorce) – your words during 2006 have captured my thoughts & feelings as if you were stationed inside my head & heart.

    For me 2006 has been the first time in my life where I tried to “define myself” and live the “examined life”. Clearly, I am still learning on both fronts. But your narratives have helped me immensely in this regard.

    For that, I thank you! And let’s make the most of 2007!!

  2. Mind Maelstrom

    Everything seems to be falling back into place–I am very happy for you! Your writing is excellent as always :).

    -MM

  3. scribe called steff

    youngster–

    yeah, i’m about 2.5 years into the pattern of living the examined life, and my life’s been richer on every front as a result of it. one of those things where, you just keep learning and realizing how little you really do know. it’s a great process, and one that seems to surprisingly never end. in a good weird way, tho. 🙂

    glad you found something you identified with there. it’s such a compliment to me.

    mind — thanks. nice to see you’re still around! i sometimes wonder about old readers and wonder whether they’ve found some hot new blogger instead or something. ha.

    everything might be falling into place. we’ll see!

  4. Rob

    Hey Steff,

    Don’t worry, your faithful readers haven’t deserted you. 😉 We’ve been following the ups and downs of your life, and it’s good to hear you’re getting a decent perspective on the whole thing. You said it better than I ever could: if you’ve learned from it, it hasn’t been a waste.

    As far as the podcast, I’m glad you’re giving it the time it needs to be good, but I’m also looking forward to it eagerly. What can I say, it’s easy to be patient when you don’t have a choice!

  5. scribe called steff

    Rob– Well, how am I supposed to know you people are still there, huh? What am I a mindreader? 🙂 Comments are the blogger’s aphrodisiac, as I always say!

    As for the podcast, well, when you can figure out how I can work 40 hours a week, blog three or four times a week, plus get a podcast together, then you lemme know. I think I need to get some of Hiro Nakamura’s time-bending abilities on my side, then I can get this shit done. After all, there’s the small matter of fitting a LIFE in there, too. 🙂

    Sooner or later, it’ll be done, and when it is, it’ll be something I can be proud of. That’s the number one thing I need to know. I can be proud of it. If not, what’s the bloody point, right? Life’s too short to have low standards. Nothing but the best!

  6. Sal Laughter

    Well, Steph.

    This blows.

    There doesn’t seem to be a Mac client available for Red Light Center.

    Damn it.

    ~Sal

  7. scribe called steff

    Hey, Sal–

    Yeah, I know, it sucks. That’s why they bought me a PC. I’d been using an iBOOK earlier this year.

    HOWEVER… like I say, it’ll be made available to the masses pretty darned quick after that. (Like, 48 – 72 hours or so.)

    No fretting. It’ll be doable for you!

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