The Dating Guide? (Snicker)

So, I had a question yesterday in the comments. Here’s the short and sweet of it.

Spicy Little Pi apparently has an explosion of men in her life and wants to know what the REAL rules of dating are.

You wanna know? You really wanna know?

Fucked if I know, honey.

Here’s the thing. I wouldn’t know how to play games if the rule book dropped heavy as a rock on my head. I know one thing and one thing only — myself. I figure you can play as many games as you want, stick to as many rules as you want, but in the end, it’s either a fit or it’s not. And if it’s a fit, wouldn’t you rather it be a fit with you being yourself, instead of having to live up to an unrealistic ideal you set because you were trying to be something they’d like better?

I am not a serial dater. I don’t have it in me. I know what I like when I see it, and the rest of it I leave for others. I used to follow “rules” and not a one ever worked for me. Sometimes I ask guys out, sometimes I don’t. When I do, sometimes it works, sometimes it seems to be a deal breaker. There’s no one-size fits-all approach here. Trust your instincts, that’s all you can do.

The thing about “rules” is that it’s insulting from the outset. It implies everyone’s a cookie-cut-out and that one set way of doing things ought to apply to the masses. Bullshit. Maybe, just maybe, they work for the lowest common denominator. Maybe they work for people who like their news spoon-fed for ’em and who can’t dress themselves, but methinks not. You try to handle me with your rules and I’ll probably see through you like a clean window on a sunny day.

All I know that works is:

Don’t be clingy. Be patient. Don’t expect a call the next day, because most guys are stupid enough to believe it’s uncool. If they do call, and you’re happy about it, make sure they know they know you’re pleased to hear from ’em. Don’t gush. Be real. Be honest. Be open. Be yourself. Look good. Smell nice.* Make a lot of eye contact. Smile. Watch your body language and be sure you initiate touch (touching a hand or forearm or shoulder is a great thing). I still believe guys should pay on the first date, particularly if they do the asking. You can offer to split the check if you like. Don’t complain. Don’t be negative. Don’t talk about your problems. Don’t be bossy. Go with the flow — if things go sideways (meal takes too long, gig’s sold out), then get over it and have fun despite it.

And if you wanna kiss on the first date, I approve. Much more than that and you’re liable to not see or hear from him again, regardless of what he tells you. Like him? Hold off. I’ve had more than one promising venture go up in flames because of too much, too soon, because no matter what they tell you, guys don’t like girls who put out. Fuckin’ men are ideal candidates for the “careful what you wish for” adage. Some say wait until the 10th date. Noble thought, but jesus. That’s hard work!

Aside from that, I say fuck the rules. They’ve never worked for me, and anyone anywhere who tells you there’s a “right” way to date probably has a used car lot they’re trying to hawk off as well.

It comes down to you and them. Do you listen? Do you smile? Are you genuinely interested? Are you flattering them? Are you fun to be with? Hell, it’s basic charm school, that’s all.

Yeah, fuck the rules. Be charming. Be real. Be open. That’s all I try to do. And yes, I still fail, but then again, I fail with the ones I don’t like. Funny how that works. I’m serially single, mostly by choice. What the hell are you asking me for?! Ha.

I’ll likely try to tackle this with more thought another time, but I’m interested in what YOU think. Well? Are there real rules? Meanwhile, I got a dayjob beckoning me. Oh, boy.

*Best lesson ever on perfume came from my aunt, who bought me some expensive perfumes when I was 13. “Spray the air, and walk through it.” Cologne and perfume are teases to get the person closer to you — it’s not a fucking early warning system. Me, I’m allergic to too much of it, and I’d be repelled, not attracted, by anyone wearing much of it. And I ain’t alone.

8 thoughts on “The Dating Guide? (Snicker)

  1. Spicy Little Pi

    lol steff!

    your tone sounds like you threw up your arms in disgust while rolling your eyes!

    Of course there’s no one way to date! ‘Rules’ is a bit too restrictive, I was thinking more ‘guidelines,’ things to consider when you’re out in the dating jungle. Sure common sense is great, but I was hoping for some insight from an experienced ‘dater.’ You may be serially single, but you have more dating experience than I, so I figured I’d ask!

    While it sounds like you started with a bad taste in your mouth, you actually threw out some useful info. Albeit in one lengthy spew, but some of the answer is there!

    I don’t think there are ‘real rules’ or a ‘right way’ to date, but there are plenty of ‘should refrain froms’ and ‘wrong ways’ (as per the usual)

    Thanks Steff!

  2. scribe called steff

    Heh… yeah, full of spit and vinegar, ain’t I? I do plan a more in-depth look at it, but yes, dating is frustrating in my world, too.

    I’ll do MY thoughts on how to date, fuck the rest of ’em, when I have a little more time to ponder the “rules” of Steff’s universe. Deal? πŸ™‚

  3. Spicy Little Pi

    Deal.

    Take your time, we aren’t going anywhere!

    No rush, it’s not like I have a man-emergency…may even have found a ‘good one’…but then again, it’s a little early to tell πŸ™‚

  4. Mind Maelstrom

    I definitely agree with smiling a lot. Everybody likes a happy person. And if you’re funny, that’s even better.

    One more thing though, I was just talking to a friend of mine who went out with a girl he met and he said the date just didn’t do it for him. They hardly talked and there was no chemistry. However, he still asked her out again (twice!) because he’s too nice. If a date doesn’t work, I say just leave it at that. I may be wrong…

    No one reads my blog :(. I’d even appreciate hate mail at this point.

  5. scribe called steff

    Jas– Interesting list of stuff. I’ll definitely weigh in with my thoughts on stuff, too, so thanks for a decent look at a reasonable set of guidelines. πŸ™‚

    Pi– No, I wasn’t disgusted or anything. Heh. I’m sick of OTHER people telling us that there ARE rules and that you can “CATCH THAT MAN AND KEEP HIM,” like that fucking chump David De Angelo seems to think is some easy fucking thing to do. Trust me, the disgust I feel is for the people who are lying to the masses and telling ’em how easy it is to find the love of your life and fucking MANIPULATE ’em into staying with you.

    Those people, why, I’d like to beat every single one of ’em upside the head with my old smelly boots I just took to the cobbler’s.

    But, yeah, all right. You want me to seriously weigh in on this? DONE. Like dinner. In the next couple of days I’ll pluck away at the topic and see where it leads.

    MM — Be a comment whore on blogs with big traffic. Do not hotlink in your comments or you’ll get flamed. Always have something interesting to say, and it’ll generate traffic for ya. Email me your blog link and I’ll put ya up on my page. And read my email. πŸ™‚

    -steff.

  6. Anonymous

    Another possible dimension to the Dating Rules are the Asking-Out Rules –

    I got hit on by a cluelessly-persistent guy at a coffeehouse. It was flattering for about 5 seconds; he didn’t understand “I have a boyfriend” and “I’m not interested in going on a date” and least of all the tongue-in-cheek “I want a wife”.

    So off of that encounter, my Dating 101 for guys like him would go:

    (1) Consider that the girl is smarter and more observant than you.
    (2) Consider not smoking.
    (3) Consider the art of the graceful retreat. If the girl says “no” (twice!) she means it. She’s not that into you.
    (4) Consider the impression that you are making. If you’re hitting on a girl with a boyfriend, you clearly have no respect for steady relationships.
    (5) Consider cultivating some respect for steady relationships. Especially if you have your eye on girls who have no interest in kissing toads to find their prince.
    (6) Consider that a current long-distance relationship is not an open invitation to get in the girl’s pants.
    (7) Kudos on the persistence. But persistence alone will not win you points. In fact, the downhill slide starts at the 5-second mark.

    ;o)

    – me.

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