There’s a stalwart Vancouver band who’ve been bringing music to Canadians for a couple decades now. A few years ago (meaning more than a decade in over-30 speak) they released a rock anthem called “Love You All”.
(It’s off the CD “Trusted by Millions” and it’s a highly energetic, positive, pop-rock number that’ll have ya wearing out the fibres in yer rugs when you get a groove on.)
And right now, in my mind, I’m playing that for you people. You people who’ve kept reading me through all my shit, all my drama, all my chaos. Thank you.
I suppose, to some extent, that’s part of the draw of this blogging thing: Real people living real lives enduring real things and taking the time to say something real about it. Some tend to be more real than others, but I suppose that’s what we’re all looking for, one way or the other — authenticity.
I try to be real. I try to reveal everything I’ve got going on inside. This past month has been hard for me to do that. Somewhere in the midst of everything that’s transpired in the last year, I lost track of who I was as the year wore on. I’ve been struggling to refind myself before the calendar met the dustbin, and now I suspect I’m on that path. I probably never really left it, but there had to at least be a fogbank in my way.
Ever since about the end of November, I’ve been pulling punches and trying to come to terms with some of who I am and some of what I want. I suppose you could be punny and say too I’ve been considering the sum of who I am and the sum of what it is I want. Either or.
But who I was wasn’t working for me anymore. Who I was was someone from my past, and I realized something needed to change. I was treading water in the cesspool of life, and I wanted to break into a solid swim. I just didn’t know how to recalibrate myself. And I sure as shit didn’t want to let you people in on the messy bits.
So, as the month wore on, I shut myself off from the world. I smoked a little too much dope, played the records of my life on the turntable of my mind, and decided how I’d set about breaking that stale record in the days and weeks and potentially even years to come.
And I still don’t know that I’m sure of where I’m going. I’m still not sure I even know I have a destination. All I know is Where I Wanna Be ain’t Here, and somehow between now and there, I’ll have to find my way back on track.
Today, though, it feels like I’m on my way. I’ll try to be more open about the journey I’m about to undertake than I’ve been in the last month or so.
Metaphorically speaking, I had a sign on my door that said “Finding self. Be back after lunch.” And no, I haven’t yet found myself. Probably never will. But looking’s half the fun. I do think I found a change of address form, though, and that’s promising. At least the mail will get through. ;)
So. Thanks for sticking around. Come back for more. Here’s hoping happy anticipation has come your way, as well. Happy 2007, my good peeples. Enjoy the new template, by the way.