Reader Q&A: The Man Who Couldn't Blow His Load

I’ve had a few emails over the past couple of months that I’ve had neither the time nor inclination to respond to – what can I say? Life gets demanding at times, and this, ultimately, pays me sweet fuck all, so yeah, y’all’s questions get neglected by whim from time to time.

But things are getting back on track in a hurry, and if the first week’s an indicator, 2007 looks like it’s going to be a good, good year to be ME. So, then, let’s talk about you, or a few readers in particular, shall we?

The interesting theme that ultimately underlies the three letters I plan to answer over the next week or so is insecurity. One letter’s from a woman who doesn’t understand why her guy can’t come from manual or oral stimulation – only from sex when he’s on top – which I plan to answer today. Another’s from a guy who’s been with a woman for more than a year, and he’s never, ever seen her ass naked because she refuses to let him see it. The third’s from a guy with big insecurities about being not-so-big in the penis department (so he thinks, anyhoo, but to the rest of the world, statistically, he’s slightly above average… and boy, have I got something to say about that).

I was thinking that, hey, all these letters being about insecurities makes them the perfect letters to respond to in light of the New Year and the inevitable resolutions to improve self that we’ve all probably made in the last few weeks.

Without ado, here’s the meat of the case involving the Man Who Couldn’t Blow His Load.

___________________

This letter comes from a reader I’m going to call Little Girl Blew who wishes she could blow her boy’s horn to kingdom come and back again… But, here, let her tell it. (I’ve removed any identifying information.)

…Sex has always been fantastic. He makes me feel so special and he knows just what to do in bed to get me going. Problem is: He cannot come from oral or manual stimulation. Nor can he come if he is not on top during intercourse. I have always known this about him – but of course I thought I’d be the one to change things. Obviously this hasn’t happened. I have tried every technique I can think of, done lots of searches on the internet and I check sex blogs almost daily. After all this time, I guess it’s starting to get to me more all the time. We have discussed it. I try to not to bring it up too much for fear that he will be self conscience. I don’t think he realizes how much it bothers me. He says, “it’s just him” and that I am doing everything right. Sometimes I feel so selfish in bed getting all the rewards (oral and such) from him and offering nothing in return. Don’t get me wrong, I still try to please him but not as often or as hard as I used to. I get so frustrated. I know that I shouldn’t let it consume me but it does.

Steff, I mentioned my age (Steff note: 30s, as is he). I’ve dated quite a bit my whole life and I’ve been told I give amazing blowjobs. I am very sexual and there is never any doubt that I am aroused. I would like to think that his “problem” is not because of something I am doing or not doing. I often think about cheating just to see if I still know how to please a man. I love to give head and I love the taste of cum and my boyfriend cannot give that to me. I’d even be happy giving a simple hand job. Are there any fool proof methods you can offer?


Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Fool-proof? Yeah, well, if I had that, I’d be doing some kinda infomercial at 2:30am on channel 8, selling my sure-fire Screamer methodology in DVD-form, raking in cash like a farmer on his crop at harvest. Ain’t nothing fool-proof in this world, honey. Pity, I know.

I’d be a hypocrite if I said there was a solution to your problem. Guys are always trying to find out how they can make their woman come, and the answer I always give is, “Communicate. Talk about what’s working and what’s not. Go slow. Keep trying” and more and more and more. It’s the same shit in almost every scenario.

The difference is, some 40% of women don’t masturbate, and many of those have hang-ups about sex, and they don’t even know what it is they want. You’re in a different boat. He masturbates, he says it’s never worked when it’s being performed on him – orally or manually. Then there’s the whole sex-on-top scenario, too.

You’re not in a situation where it’s ignorance causing an inability to climax – clearly you both have mad skills. It’s not about that. I speculate that, if nothing has changed the situation now, you might never see a change in results. Can you handle that? You need to decide.

You say you don’t think he realizes how much it bothers you. I say try talking to him about it, but that could open new cans of worms if it starts making him feel even more self-conscious about it and starts putting even more pressure on him to “be normal” and orgasm.

The biggest problem that I think people overlook sexually is just how much our early experiences temper how we are with lovers in the future. If our trust has been abused, if we’ve been abused, if we’ve been mocked – all these things tend to influence our ability to psychologically relax.

This is where I have to remind you that I’m just some chick with opinions spouting off about my two cents – I’m no expert, I have no certification. I’m well-read and an enthusiast, that’s it.

Now that the disclaimer’s out there, I’d say there’s a very strong possibility your fella’s had some form of abuse in his past. Think about it – can’t be satisfied either orally or manually, and the one time he can indeed blow his load is when he’s in classic male-dominating-female missionary mode. Sounds to me like a security position more than anything else, a position of power, really, and a position of true intimacy, as he can see your face, your eyes, and knows you’re in a submissive position underneath him.

Or, who knows, it could be any number of other things – like blood flow issues, health concerns like early stages of diabetes, poor nutrition, too much drinking, smoking, and so forth. Has he ever brought this issue up with his physician? If not, he should. Has he ever spoken to a shrink about it? If not, he should. If it’s psychosomatic, though, and he knows it and doesn’t want to face it, well…

Therein lies the rub. So to speak. Does he even care if this issue resolved? If he’s happy with his sex life and doesn’t have any concern about ejaculating during oral or manual, then he’s not going to pursue this. If he’s able to enjoy the sensation without producing results, then why should he be worried?

You see, ultimately, what this is about is that you’re trying to make his problem your problem, and he may not even believe his problem is a problem – not if he’s able to enjoy a full and rewarding sex life in spite of it all. You want him to ejaculate, you want him to be demonstrating in inarguable terms that he absolutely loves what you’re doing – you want visual, physical reassurance. You want proof. You’re making it about you, not about him, and that’s where you’re going wrong. It’s his problem, but you want to provide a solution, and you can’t, because you’re not getting enough information about what’s causing it to begin with – and if he’s not concerned or is just unwilling
to take the issue to professionals, then, well, honey, I think you’re shit out of luck.

And I think you just need to believe him. It’s him, not you, and as much as it might hurt your ego, you need to let it go and decide if you can live with letting it go. (Oh, I know it’d crush my ego, too, so don’t think I’m talking down to ya – I feel your pain, I just know that, as much as you wish it weren’t, this is one thing that’s out of your hands – especially if you know you’re using all the right tricks of the trade.)

Sure, I could tell you to go and use my handy-dandy hand-job and blow-job techniques, which you’ll find on my trusty sidebar, or I could pass along GayBoy’s advice of “finger him; a finger in the ass always does the trick!” and “the prostate is the happy button!”, but I know better than that. When he’s saying it’s him and not you, he’s probably telling the truth more than you might ever know.

But, hey, last time I looked, I lacked a penis. Anyone have anything they could add to help Little Girl Blew stop being so blue and frustrated?

(Comic from www.simpleton.com)

19 thoughts on “Reader Q&A: The Man Who Couldn't Blow His Load

  1. Christopher

    There was a period in my life when I couldn’t have an orgasm from oral stimulation… it lasted years.

    I came to realize that sometimes it was from less-than-desired skills from my partner (note: less-than-desired skills, not poor skills), but the vast majority of the time it was because I respected the girl too much and thought that she wouldn’t enjoy the end result.

    Since I’ve found my current girlfriend and she and I are able and willing to communcate completely openly, I’ve come to understand that if she takes the time and effort to try to finish me off orally, it means that she really wants to enjoy the result.

    Because of this open communication, I’ve shed any hang-ups I’d had in the past. Now my only concern is whether or not I’d rather hold out and make love to her after the blowjob or not. If the blowjob is just foreplay, then I hold back… if the foreplay is as far as we’re planning on taking things, then I reward her when she’s ready.

    Manual stimulation was never an issue, unless I wanted to hold out for the love making.

    Based on all the information given in Little Girl Blew’s email, I’d say that in this case it could be a domination issue, or the thing that drives him over the edge might be looking into her eyes and making that connection with her, as Steff suggested.

    Regardless, I feel that for the entire relationship to be healthy, they both need to feel comfortable talking to each other about anything. If there are communication issues, it’s all too likely that things won’t work out in the long run.

  2. Ginger

    My first thought was using a different approach, one I use in parenting. It’s this fun, neat thing called “reverse psychology”. So Little Girl Blew’s man KNOWS she wants to get him off. Ok, no big. Tell him you bet he can’t. Give him a challenge. Tell him you don’t want it.

    Motivation comes in many forms, and often not what you’d expect.

  3. scribe called steff

    C — Communication’s everything in my world. I cannot emphasize communication enough! This is just one of those areas where it’s tricky to talk about.

    Ginger — Wow, I think I have to disagree with you. What works with kids is a long ways off from working with healthy, wise adults. If a guy tried reverse psychology on me, I’d probably bitch-slap him into 2021. I’m a grown woman and deserve more respect than being treated like a child, and I’d say it’d be a dangerous move to try that on a lover. It’s been three years of her trying to get him off, and I would think that if it was some petty thing like that (no offense), it’d have been dealt with by now. Methinks this is a deeper issue, hence why I think it’s going to need more than just “try harder” or “trick him”.

    Thanks for weighing in, but my alarm bells are ringing on that one. Some of us are pretty healthy emotionally, and we don’t respond to head games like that. If it’s tried on the wrong person, it could spell the end of things. If a guy tries to trick me into shit, he’s got another fucking thing coming — as a couple unlucky lovers of time gone by have found out… the very, very hard way.

    If it works, great, but if it’s the wrong thing, that price could be painfully high. My two cents.

  4. scribe called steff

    BUT WHAT DO OTHERS THINK ABOUT GINGER’S SUGGESTION? Am I reacting with my own baggage, or am I right on the money? Could it work? And if so, on whom? Why? Has it worked on you? Why? Have you personally bitch-slapped anyone into 2021 for a stunt like that, and why? WHATCHOO THINK, WILLIS?

  5. Anonymous

    I know for myself that masterbation and being on top both give me ultimate control, making it easier to reach climax. Difficulty reaching climax with other positions usually means I’ve been doing too much masterbation. Once I experienced one of those lying on my back, do nothing but enjoy the ride mind blowing blowjobs did I fully appreciate leaving my hand aside and leaving it to my lover to do. In this case, masterbation was getting in the way of something that was much better.

    I hope this helps….

    Cal

  6. Bill

    The reverse psychology wouldn’t work with me. It would be too obvious, and it’s sort of pandering to a male stereotype (in my opinion). I say “no games” – discuss it, and if he’s ok with not having it, then it’s a done deal. My wife doesn’t like me to perform oral sex on her (or is indifferent to it), so I completely understand your pain, since I love doing it. Some people are just not into it. Bottom line for us – she’s not going to wake up some day and crave it. We’ve discussed it in detail, and she’s just not that interested. So we focus on other things, and everything is great. As usual, I believe Steff is right. 🙂

  7. Anonymous

    Her letter is spot on, I now have a new insight into how my girl feels. It’s only recently that I have been able to come with her in cowgirl position. I still don’t come when she gives oral. I tell her it’s just me, and most likely she’s competing with my hand (we’re long distance relationship) But next time I see her, I’m going to tell her exactly what to do and let her know that I’m going to try to “get off with her”. I do know that it’s alot of work and I told her I did’nt want her to kill herself over it.

    As far as the reverse psych, I’ll tell you I had BOB threatened on me once, when I was having difficulty with performance anxiety of the new relationship. I hated her for it. I didn’t tell her – I didn’t want her to think I was anxious – kept making excuses about mood etc, but I should have went to her drawer and snapped bob in two. I think I might tell her to never do that again.

  8. Mind Maelstrom

    I think using reverse psychology would be the worst possible thing to do in this case. If she tell him she bets he can’t, well, he already knows he can’t so that’s just going to make him feel like shit. If she tells him she doesn’t want it, why the hell would he do it?
    We’re talking about adults here. If I tell my partner not to do something in bed because I don’t like it, guess what–he’d better not do it. I thought that’s what good communication was about but that’s just my own opinion.

  9. Fran

    A guy I am with on and off said he had never come from oral before (he’s just about 30 now) so I never particularly tried with him.

    About a year after this admission i stumbled upon Steff’s fantastic articles about oral techniques, so i was naturally dying to try them out 😉

    Still, it was a bit of an uphill struggle. The thing is, one time I waited until after we had sex and he was already uber-sensitive.

    He’s never looked back since.
    Perhaps that would work.
    It’s worth a try.

  10. scribe called steff

    Anon — Yeah, there’s a case to be made for the fact that too much masturbation can make an area less sensitive to a lover, but also pre-condition you to having to have things done one way. Not that masturbation’s bad or anything, ‘cos god knows I approve, but there should be a balance struck if you’re wanting a more rewarding sex experience. Plus, there’s a lot to be said for denying yourself orgasms in between seeing your lover so that when you do finally blow your top, it’s more intense.

    I don’t know if it works for men — it may cause premature ejactulation for guys — but for chicks, a great way to heighten sex BEFORE a date is to masturbate to the brink of orgasm, then stop, and go out for the evening in a state of denial. It’s made me pretty fucking hot in the past and the guys think they’re the one taking me to a new place, but the truth is, I’ve given them a helping hand before the fact and they don’t even know it. I should post this one publically. Heh.

    Bill — Yeah, alarm bells blare for me when it comes to things like using games to get what you want. I’m straight up, totally honest in everything I say and do in a relationship. Sometimes I’m a bit manipulative without realizing it, but I plead “human” in those instances. NOW, now that I’m older and wiser and everything, I would never knowingly try to fuck with someone by manipulating them with reverse psychology or taunts or anything like that. Once you bring those things into the game, then all bets are off, and they’re liable to try tricking you into things in return. You reap what you sow. Cliches exist for a reason. 🙂

    Anon 2 — I don’t knwo what you’re meaning by “BOB” and maybe I’m just not clicking into it or something, but I get the gist of your comment, and yes, that’s why I’m RABIDLY OPPOSED to using mental tricks to get what you want — if it backfires, it can cause incredible resentment, and I think the risk of failure is far too high. Plus, it’s just dishonest, and I hate dishonesty.

    MM — Exactimundo. 🙂

    Fran — Aww. Happy it helped. 🙂 I learned from the bestest books and just did my citzen duties and passed all that knowledge on! Wooooot.

  11. scribe called steff

    Little Girl Blew emailed me this morning to thank me for the posting and to update me on recent developments with her man. She gave me permission to cut and paste this into the comments, so as to clue you all in on how it has gone of late. I’d like to note that my assumption that part of his arousal comes from dominance seems to have proven to be true, so I’m gonna pat myself on the back for that one. Yay!

    hey, girl– everything you said was right on. i wasnt offended by one thing you said. i guess it helped by seeing it in writing that someone could see where i was coming from and validate my feelings. although there has been a new development since i wrote last. about two weeks ago things in the bedroom were progressing nicely and i was sucking his cock when an idea came into my head. i flipped onto my back and started talking dirty to him and then told him i wanted him to fuck my mouth. i could just see the excitment in his eyes. he was more turned on than i’ve ever seen him. he was fucking my mouth and i was rubbing his balls and then it wasn’t long before he was moaning then (i am not kidding) yelling in pleasure. he was so fuckng hot….sorry , anyway….lol….he BLEW HIS LOAD. it was a perfect compromise. he was “on top” and i felt and tasted his cum. it’s not the traditional blowjob but hey, i’ll take it. that’s what a good relationship is right? give and take. the best part was his reaction afterwards, he had never experienced anything like that sensation before and he loved it. fucking loved it. maybe too much – i can’t tell you the last time we’ve had intercourse. he’s like a kid with a new toy. ok steff, how do you get your guy interested in something other than head? really, i am kidding now. if you want to paste this into your comments feel free. i am a devoted reader now.

  12. Ginger

    Ok, so nobody agrees with me. Perhaps I should have made more clear the idea that it IS a game, not a secretive one, but a way to make something that was originally stressful into something fun, where he sees the glint in her eyes when she issues a challenge, and his thought is “I’ll show her”. But if it doesn’t work for you, cool. Never said I was typical.

  13. figleaf

    Well, I’m a little late to the party but I’m going to side with Ginger. Especially after she made it clear it wasn’t about overt or covert manipulation.

    Quick aside: I was *way* into my 30s before I ever came from fellatio. Partly it was that I seem to need a little more pressure in just the right spot and it’s hard to get that with just your mouth. Partly it was that I was *highly* conditioned first by “good girls don’t do that” and, later, by “sex-positive progressive women don’t do that either.” Partly it’s because I needed to learn to relax out of my “partners come first” sense of responsibility and let them enjoy taking care of me. And finally, I just plain had to learn how to feel it orgasmically instead of just sensually. (It always felt wonderful, just didn’t feel orgasmic.)

    Anyway, back to what I saw as the heart of Ginger’s suggestion: if she initiates it as a *playful* dare she’s implicitly saying a) I really do want to do this and b) I want you to work with me. There are plenty of other ways to get that idea across, and it sounds like maybe those ways would work better for a lot of people. That’s fine. But the main thing is that a lot of us (still) grew up feeling it was selfish and/or somehow degrading to our partners. For those of us I think it’s helpful to be recruited into letting go of all that.

    As usual, Steff, this and your next post are just great. You’re so good at writing about technique.

    Take care,

    figleaf

  14. scribe called steff

    Yeah, now that Ginger has better explained the playfulness bit, I suspect it could well be an okay way to proceed, depending on the person and the kind of relationship you have. If playful banter exists in other areas, it could be a fun challenge. And, yeah, I know there are guys out there who are taught certain ways of treating women are not permissable, which winds up causing some of these hangups each sex has. Sigh.

    It’s all so complicated.

    A playful dare is different, to me, than “reverse psychology”. I fucking hate reverse psychology. Playfully taunting a lover can be good, so long as both of you are being clear it’s playfulness at work… Or so I think, anyhow. 🙂

    Nice ta see ya, Fig! And thank you for your compliments. I’m oh so bubbly now.

  15. T

    Well, I’m a guy who has never come from sex (almost) – either vaginal, oral or anal. Except for one or two times, whatever psychological hang-up I have blocks me from getting over that final wall/barrier/whatever it is that keeps me from cumming.

    I have had a lot of sex, with a number of different women, and I can state with authority that there are guys out there for whom it is all our problem, and not her’s at all.

    This is not to say that I don’t come – I can, so long as I am the one masterbating myself. Control issues? Yeah, I’ve got’em. On the flip side, the fact that I’ve been dealing with this since I was 15 (and faked coming for the first time) means that from the beginning, I was paranoid about pleasing my partner.

    So I learned everything I could about how to make/help a woman come, and then learned the communication skills to know what I should do when. So I had a lot of sex, as word got around that I was better in bed than the average bear, but I continued to either fake it, or to fess up and work on it if I trusted and liked the person I was with.

    I’m in my mid-30s now, with (other than this issue) a great sex life, except for the fact that I don’t come without ‘help’ – which obviously frustrates my partner at times.

    So I don’t have a solution at all, although I’m really glad that Little Girl Blew has found a solution for her partner – but just wanted to let other people know that this issue is possible, it isn’t (in at least some cases) the woman’s fault to any extent, and that the guy with the issue can enjoy the hell out of sex, even if he doesn’t come unassisted.

    As for Little Girl Blew’s solution, while it may work for some guys, and did for at least one, it wouldn’t work for me. It might for the next guy, but if it doesn’t – the reason isn’t that the girl isn’t willing to try enough sexual positions…

    As for Ginger’s suggestion, I personally read it in a lighthearted manner. If someone offered that bet to me (and they may have at some point), I would say fine, and ask what I win if I don’t come. Whether or not she’s willing to ‘bet’ – I would then fuck her for the next two or three hours (or until she got sore, whichever came first) without coming. I would rather come, but I just don’t. I enjoy the whole process, and so does my partner – but Ginger wouldn’t win that bet with me. I run marathons and have a somewhat larger then average size penis – between the two of those, she’s going to want to stop before I do…

    🙂

  16. That's Mr Anonymous to You

    For the guy that couldn’t cum, It could be anorgasmia, and if it is, he can see a doctor about it (an anti-depressant like Wellbutrin might work), or they can work through it, which might take awhile.

    Anony Mous

  17. The Fury

    Congrats to the young lady for finding the trick to getting her man to cum. I haven’t cum from a blowjob in years. Not sure if it’s mental (doubt it!) or just a diminished skill level of the women that blew me. As I told someone once, “suck it like it’s a dick, not like it’s a ice cream cone or a lollipop or any other shit you read about in a book or in Cosmo. It’s a dick and it’s connected to someone!” Enthusiasm also means a lot and that seems to be the key to getting her man to cum and in my opinion all men.

  18. Shaun

    Wow, I thought I was the only one who had trouble coming while receiving fellatio. Like other posters, I think it’s a combination of guity feelings from the past, maybe lack of skills of the women who were doing the fellating (but I am SO thankful for their efforts). And the times that I have been able to come like that have been insane. Anyway, here’s my 2 cents.

    Get the guy to wait 5 days – 1 week without coming. When I get backed up, I get turned on by any contact at all and the come seems like it’s pressurized in there. It wants to come out. So hands off for a couple days until the pressure builds. Then shake up the coke can and pop the top.

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