Reader Asks: Why Won’t She Let Me Go Down on Her?

Ah, oral sex. Nothing like a mouthful, huh?

I’ve had a guy email me a couple of times about his partner’s ambivalence and distaste towards receiving oral sex. He loves to perform it, she hates to receive it. They’ve been married a while, and it seems she can’t get past her hang-ups, whatever they may be, and he’s feeling quite deprived as a result.

Part of the problem, he thinks, is that she dislikes tasting herself on him when they kiss post-delivery.

Let’s backtrack a minute. In a moment of complete hypocrisy after my last posting, I decided to post a personal ad in an “intimate encounters” section online, figuring it couldn’t hurt if I was to perhaps find a nice ongoing sexual exchange with someone who’s on the same get-some/stay-independent page as I am.

As a result, I’m all of a sudden being deluged by men who profess to love giving oral. They’re all apparently geniuses at it, too. Sigh. Of course they are. I found myself in a conversation regarding the love-of-delivery, and I asked the rhetorical question of, “Why does almost every guy profess to love delivering oral?”

I began wondering if maybe, just maybe, men love it because it means not having to worry about whether their cocks are going to behave the right way for the right length of time. After all, there’s an awful lot of pressure on men to perform at a certain level every single time they let their hound out of the gate, so to speak. (Of course there’s the up-close visuals as she gets further and further aroused, and men do love their eye-candy of all sorts.)

I’m sure it’s not that simple, though, but I certainly have to wonder if the pressure thing is a factor. Any guys want to chime in on that one?

I do digress. We’re talking about this guy and his woman. I’ve written about oral in the past, here, and probably in dozens of other spots that I’m too lazy to seek out. I think probably every woman’s a little self-conscious about whether she’s tasting the right way for her man of the moment. I could certainly understand why a woman might despise tasting herself on her guy after delivery, too. Personally, I don’t have that hang-up. I certainly have had it, though.

I remember being rather self-conscious about it a couple years back and the guy I was seeing at the time simply decided to go down on me, came back up, kissed me, and said, “So, how do you taste?” I was taken by surprise, but it was one hell of a kiss, and suddenly I just wasn’t concerned anymore. Salty, but sweet. Nifty.

But that hasn’t worked for this guy. The only thing I can really suggest is, keep mouthwash by the bed and a bowl to spit it into. If she can’t handle her tastes on you, then maybe a little minty goodness will go a long way to circumventing that issue.

Guys need to appreciate, though, that there are a lot of times women will have different infections or odor issues that can really impact how they feel about what juices they might be secreting. Unlike men, who pretty much only secrete upon orgasm, we start pumping fluids out as soon as we’re aroused.

Couple that with the reality that there are marketing machines at work in every media imaginable, trying to force us to feel shame or embarrassment over scents that are actually biologically built to attract men, and it’s not surprising women can have hang-ups about a guy nuzzling his face into our twats.

What’s the secret? How do you get past that? Beats the shit out of me. This isn’t a t-shirt, there is no one-size-fits-all solution that’ll enable you to push a magic button and nix all her anxieties.

This is also about trust issues. She, for whatever reason, doesn’t trust you’re telling the truth when you say you can’t get enough of that salty scent and taste of hers. A lot of women aren’t into swallowing cum, either, and for that reason they can’t fathom why you’re wanting to gobble their juices up instead of being repulsed by it.

All you can do is try and get her perspective on it. When she’s saying she doesn’t like it, you ask why. There’s a fine line between pushing and really wanting to know, and good luck to you in trying to toe that line.

Finally, how do you know she hasn’t got some oral sex nightmare story in her closet? I’ve known a couple of guys who’ve told me how they responded with utter disgust upon getting their first real whiff of a woman’s vagina, and they’ve told me how they high-tailed it outta there (and felt riddled with remorse later, but wouldn’t have changed a thing on their reaction, oddly). I even had one guy friend tell me about how he tried going down on his girlfriend and vomited between her legs shortly after he began to tongue her. Turned out it was food poisoning, but it was the end of that relationship. So, who knows their history?

All you can do is keep on trying. Always ask them “what can I do to make it a more comfortable experience for you?” But sometimes there’s just going to be no solution that’ll make you happy. Some of those hang-ups are legion, man. It’s a rough thing to overcome for some women. All I can say is, good luck with that. Keep trying. It ain’t an easy problem to solve, and I’m at a loss for suggestions. Anyone have anything they’d like to suggest?

(Drinking tropical fruit juices, like papaya and pineapple, is great for changing the flavour of ejaculate, and might give just the right twist to her juices so that a post-delivery kiss may change the reaction she has. You can certainly try that, too.”