Reader Says: Ack! Ex Wants To Be Friends! What Now?

I had a letter from a reader a bit ago and I’ve neglected to respond to her until now (my apologies) thanks to the whirlwind of acclimatizing to my new job.

She said:

I have a question. My boyfriend of [several] months just broke up with me [recently] because he said he need time and to be by himself. However he still wants to be friends. I asked him to clarify friends and he actually means friends, no sex. So [a few days later] he has texted me repeatedly, already trying to be my friend. I am angry at him right now because we had a good relationship and I can honestly say I had no idea it was coming, but that being said I think he’s a great person and would like for him to stay in my life. Still reeling from the breakup and a little confused, what’s your take on the situation?

As is always the case, specifics have been changed so the reader doesn’t find her ass in a sling when someone she knows reads it.

Now, to the question. Friends are great, but being friends with ex-lovers is a hard thing to pull off. The transition is a real doozey emotionally and logistically.

There’s the old ‘60s song “You Keep Me Hangin’ On” in which it goes “You say although we broke up, you still just wanna be friends, but how can we still be friends when seeing you only breaks my heart again?”

These songs play so much, so often, so repeatedly that the lyrics just seem trite and overdone as time passes, but it’s cliché because it’s so damned true.

We want to think breakups are easy and life goes on, but the reality is that “Broken Heart Syndrome” is a bona fide medical term. It comes from sudden loss or trauma – be it the death of a loved one, the loss of a valued job, or a breakup, or more. These things have one hell of a cardiac impact, and to belittle how hard it is to transition is just ridiculous. It’s proof positive that our emotions can, and do, impact our physical well-being to the point that death is conceivable.

(Those suffering BHS can actually die of what is essentially a heart attack brought on by emotional trauma. Those suffering the “heart attacks” get admitted and treated as any cardiac attack victim would be, then are released 24 hours later or longer, often in fine shape.)

If you can’t handle being friends, you need to say so. If being friends down the line is something you want but the present isn’t working for you, then you need to say so.

He’s the one that ended the relationship, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. He’s getting what he asked for in the first place. You can’t ask for time and space, then negate that by drawing the person closer after the pieces fall, y’know?

Maybe it’s just because I’m a chick, but I find that guys doing the dumping always want to be friends because it takes the edge off their guilt or something. Sure, I’m a great friend to have and a good person to know, but the cynic in me makes me wonder if it’s just so they can sleep a little better at night under the impression that they didn’t hurt me and they didn’t blow a good thing. And while I’m sure that’s sometimes the case, I know it’s not always.

In the end, your life is all about you. Yes, other people make it richer, but sometimes they make it harder. You never saw this coming and he gave you no inkling that it was looming, and that sucks. Maybe it’s a phase. Maybe he really does need time and space, but if that’s the case, make him take it. You wanted space, bub? You got it. Issue an emotional restraining order and protect yourself.

I’ve made the mistake of going “on a break” and trying to keep things open with a lover. I’ve also made the mistake of thinking friendship was a switch that could be flicked on without a second thought. I was wrong on both counts. It’s hard. It takes work. It takes being ready to let go of what was and accepting instead what is.

When your lover wants “space” and “time”, then make them take it. They can never long for what’s sitting right beside them, y’know? I think the whole “I need space” thing followed by “be my friend now” tends to come from a place of fear that maybe, just maybe, they’ve made a colossal mistake. Unfortunately, by enabling that need to have you around just in case it was all a mistake, you’re helping them to settle for the new lesser you.

And who knows, maybe friendship’s what you’ve really been destined for all along. Maybe it’s worth all the confusion and recalibrating of your heart to have that friendship. Only you will ever know. I don’t think being friends with exes is a bad thing, not in the least. You just gotta be ready for it, and you, honey, ain’t.

All I know is, the next time a man of mine wants space, he’s getting it. I’ll walk away until I’m called for, and then I’ll take my sweet-ass time returning, but I’m not going to sit around and pretend everything’s just fine. The last time I did, all the hurts I suffered were my own. I blame myself because I knew I should’ve been stronger and just walked away and let it all just be, and I didn’t, and the price I paid was high.

Don’t underestimate the pain of a breakup, and don’t let anyone tell you to get over it. Your heart will know when it’s time to walk on, and them joes on the street just don’t know jack, hon. Good luck with that, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed it. I was busy being there for myself, instead. Perhaps that’s a behaviour model for you to learn from.

But what say you,
my fine folk?

8 thoughts on “Reader Says: Ack! Ex Wants To Be Friends! What Now?

  1. Beth

    Spot on, as usual, Steff.

    With one exception, I have no contact with any man I’ve ever dated. And that one exception was the one man I didn’t sleep with. Hmm.

    I once had a guy break up with me (after a short but intense spell) who said – in his e-mail, his chosen forum for ending things, which tells you a lot about the guy right there – that he still wanted to be friends, that he liked talking to me and thought I was great and fun and funny and blah blah blah.

    I quickly fired back that I am not an a la carte menu.

    Which isn’t to say I’d never be friends with an ex in the future, but like Steff says, it’s very tricky. And the most important thing is to honor what *you* want. Guilt has no place in the equation.

    To my mind, if Mr. Formerly Wonderful was really so wonderful, he’d appreciate you enough to be honest and say, “It’s not working. I’m sorry,” and throw you back to be caught by someone else. Clean break.

    The last guy I dated seriously stood by his apartment door as I got my coat on after he broke up with me (yeah, he let me come to him; another winner) and said, “You hate me now.”

    I reassured him that I didn’t hate him. Because I didn’t. I knew things weren’t going to work out between us ultimately, too. But I was struck by the fact that moments after dropping a bomb on me, he was wanting me to make him feel better. Oy vey.

    Do what’s right for you. If he wakes up someday and realizes he made a mistake and wants you back and you want him back, maybe you just needed the break. But if you find you’ve moved on, if you find yourself thinking, “Really? I ever dated you? Why?”, then good for you, too.

  2. alana

    i think that whole “friend” idea is a load. he should know that she’s hurt and not try to text her the next freakin’ day, that makes me believe that he thinks he may have made a mistake.

    i don’t like flippant people like that, chickie’s not a yo-yo to be jerked around, and once she realizes that, her life will get much better.

  3. roscoe

    Ok here’s the guy’s take…it’s one of two things and if the info Steff presented is anything close to true it will be something like this…

    1. you did something to make him feel less of himself and he needs to find “him” again…you moved too fast, tried to read into simple things or just questioned him about being him when you were trying to figure out “where” you stood in his life…simply put, you zigged when you should have zagged and he want s you around because he does like you he just wants to get to know you…

    2. Like the Sex and the City episode….he’s just not that into you to get married but hanging out and having fun is great, it’s just not going any farther…

    Like I said, a guy’s view that I know some of you ladies won’t like but as they say…reality bites sometimes…

  4. Claire

    I’m still mates with an ex. I think it depends on the reasons for the break up and how clean it was though. My break up was a clean and mutual thing, we both thought it was for the best and to the benefit of both of us. That was just the situation we were both in at the time.

    If there was a one-sided break up like the one in the e-mail then being friends may not work out so well. She’d need to go with what she wants, and not try to please the guy.

    Sounds like she still likes him but it could become awkward.

  5. Anonymous

    Smutt, you write “Maybe it’s just because I’m a chick….”. Well, I’m a guy and just the same I’m presently wondering if my recent ex keeps up the contact with me to keep a friendship, is she really interested in me as a friend, or does this just give her a better self-image and a better sleep. My point here, it can be the other way around just as well.

    Sure I’d like to stay friends. I know many ex-couples who managed to keep up a friendship, including myself with another ex. (the trick is to be reflective enough to find out early enough that the relationship is not going to work out the way you want to. So, before some huge resentments build up between the partners.) I’m just wondering…Is it so difficult for someone who broke up a marvelous (even in her eyes) relationship because the feelings just flew away from her over night, to understand that it’s *not that easy* for me to develop a friend-relationship straight away. I’d love to, but I need some time first to get into equilibrium inside me.

  6. Markbnj

    OK. I’ll stick my two cents in here….

    I ain’t a chick… and I ain’t gonna sugar-coat it.

    Men are PIGS, (we turn into pigletts at puberty, and just age into big old fat ones by the time
    that were my age. (almost 50…and still married to my College sweetie[amazing facts there…]

    BUT that being said, friends is REALLY just code for “no marriage, but I’d STILL like your pants,
    cause you’re a slut that I love plugging”

    Or as I previously said HERE:
    http://my-poem-a-day.blogspot.com/2007/02/sun-04-feb-07-men-are-pigs.html

    an excerpt:
    Boys and teens are always dreaming
    where can they put their dirt.
    Boys keep trying, till they ‘dying
    Wanting it to work.

    more above

    Love to all, and stay SAFE when you do YOUR relationship.
    AIDS/HIV sucks big time!

  7. Anonymous

    on the subject of breakups.. i hate it when people hang around when they no longer want to be with you… purpose of a relationship was to make people happy…if its not happening.. move on!

    or i could be compleatly misguided in this whole thing….

  8. Principal Quattrano

    Not only is he trying to assuage his guilty conscience (“Why’d she have to go and take it that hard?“) and keep his sexual options open, he’s also starting to think that he’s not going to have the girl around anymore to do girl things that guys often like to delegate out — like cooking, cleaning, gift-buying…

    Him: You want to talk about it?
    Me: Get out of my house.

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