Recalibrating The Steff

So, in the morning it’ll officially be one month since I began my new job. I’ve just rushed in from torrential rains, which makes for fun scooter riding, to be sure, and I’m sitting here in my business clothes, a little spent but ultimately pleased with myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot these last couple weeks about the job and just how much it’s transforming me. The term I’ve been thinking a lot of is “authentic self”. I find myself being fully authentic, all day long. I’m flippant, I’m confident, I’ve got bravado and one hell of a cheesy smirk, and I’m the people person I always knew I was.

Over the last seven, eight years of my life, much of that part of me has faded away off and on, depending on the era and the happenstance. My mother died, I almost died two or three times, and all that shit conspires to make it very, very hard for one to be who they are to the core. One can literally get lost in the darkness of their life. I know I did.

I also know I began to emerge a year and a half ago. I was changing and becoming who I wanted to be, but my life wasn’t catching up. Finally, both my life and I are on the same page, and the whirlwind’s not even close to slowing down, but it’s a good whirlwind. I’m still finding my footing, but I’m still also trying to decide how much of this new person I am is just a re-emerging of the girl I was but had lost in darkness.

I normally try to write myself through change, but something about the last few weeks has made writing seem more prohibitive a thought than a realistic tool to use to navigate the changing waters I found myself swimming in. That tide’s turning now, and I’m starting to want to scribe it out and share it for digesting.

The trouble is, I’m not sure how many of you, the readers, are tuning in to see what I have to say about sex and relationships. I have no clue how much you expect me to confine my thoughts to those realms only. Sometimes I care too much about the numbers and the logistics. I’m as conscientious as they come, so it troubles me to NOT be about just those topics. I aim to please. Always. Y’know how I mean?

The reality is, though, that without the self & self-love, you can have all the sex and relationships you want, but they’re never going to be the right fit for you. How much of the sex/relationship is merely serving as emotional Spackle in your life full of holes, y’know?

I am, honestly, trying to bring dating into my life. Oddly, that’s made complicated by the fact that I’m on the verge of what looks to be a truly wonderful year me. I’m optimistic. I’m happy about where I’m going. I’m ready to really throw myself into physical activity and making myself into the rest of the person I’ve been wanting to be for the last couple of years. But I’m not the girl for any guy going through his own crap right now, and it seems every guy I’ve been attracting of late digs me, is interested, but then they lapse into broken-man syndrome and decide they need to hole up and fix themselves.

Whatever. I know I’m sending the right signals. I know I’ll have more interest — I have too much to offer. I’m not worried. But in the meantime, you get what you get.

And in the meantime, I’ve got some good things and I’m grateful to be wise enough to know just how good things are becoming for me. Soon, I’ll find a way to turn all this self-analysis back into words worth digesting.

Ah, yes. My true calling: Dimestore philosopher. But for you… I’ll ask only a nickel.

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