So, in the morning it’ll officially be one month since I began my new job. I’ve just rushed in from torrential rains, which makes for fun scooter riding, to be sure, and I’m sitting here in my business clothes, a little spent but ultimately pleased with myself.
I’ve been thinking a lot these last couple weeks about the job and just how much it’s transforming me. The term I’ve been thinking a lot of is “authentic self”. I find myself being fully authentic, all day long. I’m flippant, I’m confident, I’ve got bravado and one hell of a cheesy smirk, and I’m the people person I always knew I was.
Over the last seven, eight years of my life, much of that part of me has faded away off and on, depending on the era and the happenstance. My mother died, I almost died two or three times, and all that shit conspires to make it very, very hard for one to be who they are to the core. One can literally get lost in the darkness of their life. I know I did.
I also know I began to emerge a year and a half ago. I was changing and becoming who I wanted to be, but my life wasn’t catching up. Finally, both my life and I are on the same page, and the whirlwind’s not even close to slowing down, but it’s a good whirlwind. I’m still finding my footing, but I’m still also trying to decide how much of this new person I am is just a re-emerging of the girl I was but had lost in darkness.
I normally try to write myself through change, but something about the last few weeks has made writing seem more prohibitive a thought than a realistic tool to use to navigate the changing waters I found myself swimming in. That tide’s turning now, and I’m starting to want to scribe it out and share it for digesting.
The trouble is, I’m not sure how many of you, the readers, are tuning in to see what I have to say about sex and relationships. I have no clue how much you expect me to confine my thoughts to those realms only. Sometimes I care too much about the numbers and the logistics. I’m as conscientious as they come, so it troubles me to NOT be about just those topics. I aim to please. Always. Y’know how I mean?
The reality is, though, that without the self & self-love, you can have all the sex and relationships you want, but they’re never going to be the right fit for you. How much of the sex/relationship is merely serving as emotional Spackle in your life full of holes, y’know?
I am, honestly, trying to bring dating into my life. Oddly, that’s made complicated by the fact that I’m on the verge of what looks to be a truly wonderful year me. I’m optimistic. I’m happy about where I’m going. I’m ready to really throw myself into physical activity and making myself into the rest of the person I’ve been wanting to be for the last couple of years. But I’m not the girl for any guy going through his own crap right now, and it seems every guy I’ve been attracting of late digs me, is interested, but then they lapse into broken-man syndrome and decide they need to hole up and fix themselves.
Whatever. I know I’m sending the right signals. I know I’ll have more interest — I have too much to offer. I’m not worried. But in the meantime, you get what you get.
And in the meantime, I’ve got some good things and I’m grateful to be wise enough to know just how good things are becoming for me. Soon, I’ll find a way to turn all this self-analysis back into words worth digesting.
Ah, yes. My true calling: Dimestore philosopher. But for you… I’ll ask only a nickel.
Please don’t confine yourself to just sex and relationship stuff. It’s fun to read, but it’s also kind of nice to know what’s going on with the person behind the scenes, you know? (And I mean that in a totally non-creepy way.)
I like reading blogs because it’s like people are asking you to be nosy and to read about feelings that they might not necessarily say. It’s kinda liberating.
Oh yeah, and when you said:
but then they lapse into broken-man syndrome and decide they need to hole up and fix themselves
It could be worse … They could lapse into broken-man syndrome and expect YOU to be the one who can fix them.
LOL. Yes, I know. Thank you for that.
Yeah, I am totally all for holing up and fixing yourself. I have been there. I respect it. I don’t begrudge it in the least. I’m just a bit puzzled as to why I’ve been attracting That Type since about last summer. It’s ironic, really. The last guy I went out with, I think he was in a really happy place when we met, so that was fun and exciting. He had some misfortunes and things changed. It was just dumb luck. At least now I’m sort of meeting them in that after period, and there isn’t ever any promise of anything else. Know what I mean? I don’t have the disappointment of “could’ve been” or any of that that comes with a failed relationship.
‘sides, you never know about the future. Who you might run into after two drinks at a good party… Who you might crash into at a bookstore… Pfft. Fortune favours those who gets out in the world and have experiences. With experiences comes increased possibilities. Chance. A beautiful thing.
I’m writing off the present. If nothing ever comes, so be it. Maybe something will.
Right now, I’m open to anything happening. Had you asked me six weeks ago today how I felt, I would have said crushed. I knew I was to be laid off the next day. Two weeks later, I’m working at this plum job. A month later, I know I’m in it for the long haul, can do no wrong.
But I dug in and did my shit. Holed up and fixed my world. I get it when others need to do the same. And no, I will not be Spackle. For anyone, ever again. 😉
“Ah, yes. My true calling: Dimestore philosopher. But for you… I’ll ask only a nickel.”
You’re much too modest–I’d give you three-fitty, for sure.
Don’t bother spending too much time looking for Mr. Right, enjoy getting re-acquainted with yourself. He’ll come along when the time is right, trust me on this one 😉
Please don’t limit yourself to sex and relationships, i am really enjoying reading about this whole process that you’re going through.
I likee all of you. Thanks for taking the time to write and for letting us into all of your world.
Serra — Score! I could maybe even buy a beer on cheap night with the bartender fucking up the count!
Alana — I’m not looking for Mr. Right. I’m looking for Mr. Right Now and the notion of sex. My hormones are calling out for attention. I’m not pushing it very hard, though, and I won’t settle for some loser just ‘cos I want to get my pipes cleaned, so to speak.
In the meanwhile, I can’t exactly cite you guys as a majority opinion, given the 2,000+ hits a day I’m getting, but let’s hope they all agree with ya, ‘cos I’m doing what I want for the time being and not catering to what I perceive to be the demand.
Gillette — Woot. 🙂 Thanks, babe!
Keep kickin’ it the way you see fit. It’s been a long time, but I check in from time to time. It’s always a pleasure to read you.
oh yeah, Hi.
This is going to sound cheesy, but your response was really inspirational. I got out of an intense year-long relationship a couple months ago, and really entered the “single scene” again about a month ago (ie: casual dating and sex again).
I really like what you said about increased possibilities coming with all kinds of experiences. After being in the relative security of a relationship, it’s cool and exciting but also slightly intimidating to throw everything to the wind and take chances with different people, just for the hell of it. I’m having a great time, but still, I’m trying to get over the feeling intimidated bit, and it’s really helpful to see what you just wrote.
I’d even give ya $4.50. That would cover the tip for a beer as well. 😉
Seems I have to listen to my own advice, then!
I’ve been broke off my ass for months, and this week I’ll finally have money, so I can start going out and doing things — be it the gym, a solo night at a theatre, whatever. Soon, I’ll be living the active life of someone happily single, and you can bet I’ll be writing about that.
Funny how much not having money interferes with our ability to be independent. I’m FINALLY almost feeling independent again. It’ll be nice to be able to celebrate it.
The breakfast I made myself yesterday is my money-in-the-hole breakfast move I usually make for lovers. It was nice to make it for myself for a change. Little things like that go a long ways to making us feel validated outside a relationship, too.
Good luck in your social endeavours!
OZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZY — Hey, baby. 🙂 Good to see your name about.
The term I’ve been thinking a lot of is “authentic self”. I find myself being fully authentic, all day long … My mother died, I almost died two or three times, and all that shit conspires to make it very, very hard for one to be who they are to the core. One can literally get lost in the darkness of their life … I also know I began to emerge a year and a half ago. I was changing and becoming who I wanted to be, but my life wasn’t catching up. Finally, both my life and I are on the same page, and the whirlwind’s not even close to slowing down, but it’s a good whirlwind. I’m still finding my footing, but I’m still also trying to decide how much of this new person I am is just a re-emerging of the girl I was but had lost in darkness.
Light and darkness comes and goes, whirlwinds come and go, old and new personas come and go, but what you truly and authentically are, your true core, is completely untouched by all these changes. As Rumi, the poet, said: “I gently suggest that you remember and return to the deep being you already are, beneath all the clothes of your stories”.
I feel you are still looking for your true core.
Thanks, Freud. Ahem.
But, seriously, don’t we spend our entire lives becoming ourselves? Some just need to spend their remaining years honing while others continue excavating that self. Either way, none of us ever becomes dormant… or if we do, it’s a cryin’ fuckin’ shame, ain’t it?
So, yeah. Of course I’m still looking. And I hope it always only ever so slightly JUST eludes me. The thrill’s in the chase.
Yes, that’s the aspiration of most people, most of the time: constantly ‘honing’ and ‘recalibrating’ themselves, to ‘become’ themselves. But I have never known anybody who found deep satisfaction in that.
Whereas the few people I know who understood that, stopped ‘fixing’ themselves, changed course and asked themselves ‘who they were’ instead, and discovered ‘themselves’ (i.e. their essence, their innermost core) in the process, have been completely transformed by this – and there is nothing ‘static’ or ‘dormant’ about them WHATSOEVER.
In other words, who people want to be is very little to do with who they really are; and going through life without discovering who you really are is, … well, … ‘cryin’ fuckin’ shame’ doesn’t even begin to describe it 🙂