A Bear of Very Little Brain: Befuddlement Abounds!

Curse you, Cosmos!

I’ve been caught somewhere between depressed and wracked with performance anxiety these past few days. All of a sudden I look at my numbers and I’m doing 4,000 plus hits a day. Makes me feel like you people expect something or something. Good lord! You people are like termites — just crawlin’ outta my woodwork, man! Hey. Welcome to the party. I’ll have a martini.

But I’ve been blue, confronted with seemingly stupid things like scooter repairs that need doing. I probably have a thousand dollars worth of repairs to do to my beloved ride after a couple years of barely getting by, thanks to slow times in the notorious film industry and all, which I have forsaken for more stabler times.

The first reaction one (IE: me) has to the news of serious repairs needed or “silly” things like that is, “Why doesn’t my life ever improve? What’s this vicious cycle?” But I’m forcing myself to remember that these troubles I’m facing are, in the large scheme of things, relatively insignificant, and most of the negatives are cumulative damage from my last two years — just coming home to roost now that I’m facing my reality and living my life properly again. So, there’s something new in the equation: Suddenly I’m almost of the means to deal with these things instead of having to just pretend they’re not there.

I spent the weekend feeling sorry for myself and yesterday coming to terms with my bad attitude, and today I went to the gym and worked it out. Now I’ve got way-too-spicy Thai green curry with chicken cooking on the stove and I’m making a vat of Thai sweet black rice, so soon I’ll be kicking it back and enjoying myself after what’s been a tough but good day. (I also had a mini-review in which the boss’s burgeoning love for me was expressed in very clear terms. Money should follow when I have my formal 3 month review, since I pretty much told them before I was hired that I would work for less if rewards followed — and fast! Here’s hoping honesty literally pays.)

But I find it interesting how quickly we can be thrown for a loop. One little thing comes up to bite us in the ass and our mood can go spiralling out from under us. It can be hard to remember just how little a blip on the radar of our lives that little conundrum truly is, but re-finding that focus and the ability to dismiss it for what it is — momentary — is the key to finding balance and equilibrium in the midst of the tumult.

So, yes, I’m bogged down with repair woes and challenges right now, but I suspect by June I should have it easier. In the midst of all this, I’ve noticed my complete lack of interest in dating sites and the whole online bullshit. I figger I’m needing to appreciate myself right now, and I doubt anyone else can deliver what I need. The focus is entirely back on me, myself, and I. The world will follow.

Tonight I rejoined the land of gym rats and made it into the community centre. I’ll be heading in the next two nights, and Thursday night my bicycle comes back all tuned up by my cycling guru friend, Whipped Boy, and things should begin looking up again. Normalcy, and spring, and goodness. If you’re gonna be broke, be broke in the warm-air months when there’s a world of fun outside your door. Timing IS everything.

Anyhow. Back to the regularly scheduled program over the next few days — two reader emails await tackling: The young girl who’s all stressed out that she hasn’t had an orgasm six months into her relationship and her boyfriend’s all hell-bent on making sure he brings her to one. Take a wild guess at what I’m gonna say. Or don’t, and read all about it next time. Then there’s the woman who demanded an apology and was surprised when she didn’t get one. I gots me some thoughts on that one, too!

Just full of thoughts! But most have been truly self-obsessed of late, but stay tuned for the rather interesting visual of Steff yanking her head out of her ass! Truly a Kodak moment! Thanks for your patience, boys and girls. Thai green curry, anyone? (Me! ME!)

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