Reader Asks: The Big O? NO! When Will I Come?

My team was smoked the other night. Smoked hardcore, like Bob Marley on a fattie, man. The game’s going well thus far tonight, but I’m still all jittery, like a whipped fan in a seven-game series is liable to be.

So, I’m taking a minute to write.

I had a letter from a youngin’ nearly a month ago, and because I suck, I’ve not responded until now. Bad, bad blogger. Somebody oughta spank me, but I should only be so lucky. Sigh.

But let’s answer her now, shall we? The letter, short and sweet:

My boyfriend and I have been having sex for the past 6 months. We were both each others’ first. We’ve done tons of positions in tons of places, sometimes we have a lot of foreplay and sometimes we go straight to the sex. Sometimes it’s soft and gentle, sometimes it’s rough and fiesty. And it always feels great! The only problem, however, is that I have never had an orgasm. If he’s on top and I really like it and he continues, after a while it just stops as it’s getting pleasurable. And if I’m on top and I really like what I’m doing, I go for it too hard and suddenly I can’t handle it and I have to stop. We haven’t started using any toys because my boyfriend wants to give me my first orgasm purely by himself, with no “outside help”. Any advice?

There’s such a double-standard sexually. It’s bad form to pressure a guy who’s impotent and unable to deliver, but somehow it’s fine to pressure women to orgasm. “Well, if I can’t make you come, then I must be damaged goods! YOU WILL COME, dammit!”

And I know he’s probably never made such comments, but when you’re the female at the receiving end sexually, and you’re unable to orgasm in the 17.6 minutes that he’s able to perform in, somehow it means a) he’s a loser, and b) you’re frigid.

It doesn’t help matters. Not at all.

So, the question is, do you masturbate, girlie? If not, then you should. If you can’t make yourself orgasm, no one else will be able to do so — guaranteed. You absolutely must play with yourself if your sex life is ever going to be any good. No, you won’t ‘waste’ your orgasms on yourself. You’ll make yourself better able to relax and orgasm under others.

And when you “can’t handle it”, maybe you should make a mental note: that means you’re about to orgasm and you need to ride it out — literally. Back when I was 13 or so and enjoying my first masturbatory experiences — dry-humping pillows underneath my posters of George Michael — I kept thinking I needed to pee uncontrollably and was scared of making a mess. I kept running down the hall to go to the washroom. I swear, I flushed the toilet 10 times in the morning, confused why I was all wet and unable to pee.

An orgasm feels like a bolt of electricity coursing through your body. It’s electrifying. All your nerves come alive at once and then, whammo, it releases simultaneously. It’s different for everyone. But when you “can’t handle it”, don’t kid yourself — you CAN.

But him insisting on being the vehicle that delivers your orgasm is unfair. He doesn’t realize it, but he’s being domineering and controlling. I understand why he would want to be the deliveryman, but the reality is, it hasn’t been working thus far, and it may not any time soon.

The reality is, some 40% of chicks won’t orgasm until their 20s, if not later. It’s not something that has a shelf-life. It’s not something that comes easily for most women. It takes patience on both your end and theirs.

If your man wants to be the deliveryman, and will hear nothing else but, then he needs to start doing Yoga and Kegel exercises (particularly the latter) so that he can last longer and hold out long enough for you to lose your inhibitions every time and help you get to the promised land. You need to tell him to continue even when your body’s screaming no, because that’s the threshold for an orgasm. It’s a strange and difficult point to pass as a female — you think your body can’t handle it, but all it is is the Early Warning System for “good times ahead! brace thyself!”

And, hey, orgasms rock. They really do. But sex is awesome by itself, with or without results. If you can’t orgasm by way of his entering you, then maybe you can at least learn to masturbate yourself to orgasm after he’s finished. Maybe it’ll hurt his ego, but when he gets over that, he’ll fuckin’ love watching you get yourself off, especially if you’re able to lock onto his eyes with a hungry gaze as you deliver yourself to ecstasy.

Good luck, kiddo. Remember, it’s like Mark Twain says. It’s not the destination that’s important, but rather, the journey. Enjoy the trip, savour the experience, and forget about the end result, and you might find yourself happening upon the Big O after all.

And read books about sex — books like The Guide to Getting it On, Sex Tips for Straight Ladies from a Gay Man, or The Sex Bible. Education is the key to power in all avenues of life, including sex.

But y’all have what to add to this? Any insights? Personal experiences? Support? Empathy? 1-800 numbers?