Reader Asks: The Big O? NO! When Will I Come?

My team was smoked the other night. Smoked hardcore, like Bob Marley on a fattie, man. The game’s going well thus far tonight, but I’m still all jittery, like a whipped fan in a seven-game series is liable to be.

So, I’m taking a minute to write.

I had a letter from a youngin’ nearly a month ago, and because I suck, I’ve not responded until now. Bad, bad blogger. Somebody oughta spank me, but I should only be so lucky. Sigh.

But let’s answer her now, shall we? The letter, short and sweet:

My boyfriend and I have been having sex for the past 6 months. We were both each others’ first. We’ve done tons of positions in tons of places, sometimes we have a lot of foreplay and sometimes we go straight to the sex. Sometimes it’s soft and gentle, sometimes it’s rough and fiesty. And it always feels great! The only problem, however, is that I have never had an orgasm. If he’s on top and I really like it and he continues, after a while it just stops as it’s getting pleasurable. And if I’m on top and I really like what I’m doing, I go for it too hard and suddenly I can’t handle it and I have to stop. We haven’t started using any toys because my boyfriend wants to give me my first orgasm purely by himself, with no “outside help”. Any advice?

There’s such a double-standard sexually. It’s bad form to pressure a guy who’s impotent and unable to deliver, but somehow it’s fine to pressure women to orgasm. “Well, if I can’t make you come, then I must be damaged goods! YOU WILL COME, dammit!”

And I know he’s probably never made such comments, but when you’re the female at the receiving end sexually, and you’re unable to orgasm in the 17.6 minutes that he’s able to perform in, somehow it means a) he’s a loser, and b) you’re frigid.

It doesn’t help matters. Not at all.

So, the question is, do you masturbate, girlie? If not, then you should. If you can’t make yourself orgasm, no one else will be able to do so — guaranteed. You absolutely must play with yourself if your sex life is ever going to be any good. No, you won’t ‘waste’ your orgasms on yourself. You’ll make yourself better able to relax and orgasm under others.

And when you “can’t handle it”, maybe you should make a mental note: that means you’re about to orgasm and you need to ride it out — literally. Back when I was 13 or so and enjoying my first masturbatory experiences — dry-humping pillows underneath my posters of George Michael — I kept thinking I needed to pee uncontrollably and was scared of making a mess. I kept running down the hall to go to the washroom. I swear, I flushed the toilet 10 times in the morning, confused why I was all wet and unable to pee.

An orgasm feels like a bolt of electricity coursing through your body. It’s electrifying. All your nerves come alive at once and then, whammo, it releases simultaneously. It’s different for everyone. But when you “can’t handle it”, don’t kid yourself — you CAN.

But him insisting on being the vehicle that delivers your orgasm is unfair. He doesn’t realize it, but he’s being domineering and controlling. I understand why he would want to be the deliveryman, but the reality is, it hasn’t been working thus far, and it may not any time soon.

The reality is, some 40% of chicks won’t orgasm until their 20s, if not later. It’s not something that has a shelf-life. It’s not something that comes easily for most women. It takes patience on both your end and theirs.

If your man wants to be the deliveryman, and will hear nothing else but, then he needs to start doing Yoga and Kegel exercises (particularly the latter) so that he can last longer and hold out long enough for you to lose your inhibitions every time and help you get to the promised land. You need to tell him to continue even when your body’s screaming no, because that’s the threshold for an orgasm. It’s a strange and difficult point to pass as a female — you think your body can’t handle it, but all it is is the Early Warning System for “good times ahead! brace thyself!”

And, hey, orgasms rock. They really do. But sex is awesome by itself, with or without results. If you can’t orgasm by way of his entering you, then maybe you can at least learn to masturbate yourself to orgasm after he’s finished. Maybe it’ll hurt his ego, but when he gets over that, he’ll fuckin’ love watching you get yourself off, especially if you’re able to lock onto his eyes with a hungry gaze as you deliver yourself to ecstasy.

Good luck, kiddo. Remember, it’s like Mark Twain says. It’s not the destination that’s important, but rather, the journey. Enjoy the trip, savour the experience, and forget about the end result, and you might find yourself happening upon the Big O after all.

And read books about sex — books like The Guide to Getting it On, Sex Tips for Straight Ladies from a Gay Man, or The Sex Bible. Education is the key to power in all avenues of life, including sex.

But y’all have what to add to this? Any insights? Personal experiences? Support? Empathy? 1-800 numbers?

7 thoughts on “Reader Asks: The Big O? NO! When Will I Come?

  1. Oz

    Hey there Steff,

    I would totally agree. If a woman can’t give herself an orgasm how can she expect anyone else to? Unless she’s hoping that she’ll stumble onto a partner who happens to discover how to get her off. She has to know what to do to get there, and instruct her lover in what it takes to get her there. It’s frustrating being expected to be the one to get someone off when you have no idea how. Everyone is different, so you never know what it’s going to entail. There’s a certain amount of fun in trying to figure out what really get’s someone going, but if they have no idea how can they guide you in anyway?

    …and hell yeah, I would love nothing more than to watch my lady get herself off. I wouldn’t be hurt the least bit. As a matter of fact I think I would ready to go again after watching. I’m getting all worked up thinking about it.

    Just my thoughts

    Hi Steff

    -Oz

  2. The emailer!

    Hey!
    Thanks alot, that really helped! Haha, my boyfriend can go on for pretty long. Even if it pains him to hold back and we have to “wait…wait a sec…” but then we can go on for quite a bit. Anyway we won’t be in the same country for at least the next 2 months, so I promise I’ll maturbate to my maximum potential!
    Once again, thanks for the advice. Expect to hear from me in a matter of months with (hopefully) good news!

  3. Mary-Ellen

    All of us women are different. If we can’t instruct the person we’re involved with *how* to help us reach orgasm, then we’re in big trouble. One can’t expect a guy to know what makes each and every one of us come. All comes down to being comfortable with each other and with yourself, and what’s involved with reaching orgasm.

  4. Scribe Called Steff

    Oz — It’s easy to start you up! Heh. Like putty in my blogging hands, you.

    Emailer — Any time! Sorry it took so long. And don’t put pressure on yourself. Just get in touch with yourself ‘cos you want to, not ‘cos you’re feeling all goal-oriented about it and all. 🙂 Go buy yourself a sex toy and have a little fun.

    M-E — Yeppers, but then again, lovers can surprise us and introduce us to sensations we’ve never thought of before. All good.

  5. The Silent Male

    I just wanted to add the thought that in a relationship, both partners should always strive to be truthful. That doesn’t mean they should always strive to tell everything. So if the guy has a problem with the girl exploring masturbating so she can understand her body better, then perhaps silence would be the best option.
    On other thoughts, keep in mind there should be no pressure to do anything but enjoy yourself. Which means, let your mind and your thoughts turn to things you like and enjoy. Let your fingers explore and discover what you do or do not like. Explore different tactile items (something feathery, or satiny, or perhaps like flannel), and see what makes the nerves ‘zing’. Ok, just a couple thoughts I wanted to share.

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