The Morning Of: A Reckoning or Something

Today I go back to my old job.

I worked there for about 6 and a bit years, and I’ve “returned” now a couple of times. This morning I have that same dread I’ve had at other times, but it’s tempered with more self-knowledge and understanding of the Steff Cosmoverse and how to navigate it, y’know?

The dread is this: “Oh, you can’t cut it in the real world. You need to go back to the safety of your little captioning cave. You couldn’t climb the corporate ladder, so here you are: Back.”

I think it’s unavoidable for someone to have that sense of “wow, I must suck because I’m back again” when returning to a situation like this, so I’m not giving myself a hard time for going there. I wish I wouldn’t, but I’m not going to pile onto the already-existing crap sandwich with more guilt and derision.

Hell, that’s the society we live in. I was raised on Bret Easton Ellis and the yuppyification of North America. We’re the original “me” generation. We came of age with cell phones, personal stereos (the three stages: Walkman, Discman, iPOD). We’re all about image, baby.

So, I go traipsing back to the old cubicleland and it’s natural Eau de Failure should be lingering about me this morning.

But then there’s the “fuck you, I’m 34 and I know better than that” voice that crops up and says “the rat race is for pussies who can’t make it out there without excessive approval”. It’s the voice of the chick who grew up listening to the Ramones and Dennis Leary, who thinks she’s seen both the workaholic life and the successful slacker life, and has the scars to show from each.

I mean, I’m 34 in five days. I saw my mother die at 57. This notion that every person gets a golden age, every person’s gonna retire by 60 and live a life of their choosing is a pretty fucking foolish notion. If I go early, I’ll be going after living a life on my terms. I saw myself looking at my most recent boss and thinking, “Wow. That’s what happens when you let life pass you by.” She works all the time. I remember her sitting in my apartment, looking at my intricately decorated pad and saying, “You have too much time on your hands” and realizing she, in a phrase, summed up the difference between she and I.

See, I always thought I had too little time on my hands. If I was unemployed for the REST of my life, I’d be able to fill every single day. I do not need to be validated by work. In fact, I often feel invalidated by work.

So, going back, tail between the legs, to this comfortable old job of mine is me literally putting my money where my mouth is and deciding that, right now, living life is more important to me than selling out. If I’m going to need to work for a living, then, well, this captioning job of mine is the literary intellectual’s equivalent of Kevin Spacey taking on a burger shack job in American Beauty when he decides he’s missed out on too much of life, and being 20 was the best he’d ever been.

Yeah, I’m cutting and running to the security of Easy Street. The question, though, is why aren’t more people?

PS: I’m fighting illness. I’m hoping like hell it’s just the bank of clouds and moisture over the Pacific that’s fucking with my head. Heroes is on tonight and I wanna watch! So, to steal strength and shore up motivation, I’m drinking copious coffee. The good thing about this job is, I go in whenever the fuck I want to. Means I can write when the whim hits. It’s 9:25. At 10 I’ll shower and go. Nice. πŸ™‚ A week ago I’d already be slammed with customer demands and drama. Ha. Bliss.

5 thoughts on “The Morning Of: A Reckoning or Something

  1. myself

    You know, everyone is different and you have to do what works for you.

    A friend of mine and I just had this convo recently…he wants to go work in a government job in Ottawa because he doesn’t like the private sector rat race, I am staying firmly in the private sector in Montreal because I love what I do, and am working my way up the corporate ladder. He wants more time for himself, I am perfectly happy sitting in front of the tube at home working on my laptop.

    It’s these differences that make it the big wonderful world it is.

    If we all wanted to work our way up to the top of a company….there would be a hell of a lot of competition.

    At least you know yourself. There are alot of people out there that don’t!

    Happy for you…now I can read what comes to your mind while at work!

  2. Haaaaaaa

    I agree with Beth. My cousin was once some big deal in retailing and gave it all up to stay at home. I asked if she missed it and she said, “When I am 75 and sitting in my rocking chair, I am sure that I won’t even remember any of the projects I worked on, but I will remember my daughter’s first step.” That statement stuck with me.

    I am a fair bit older than you and I took the selling out route. Now I am stuck in a situation that I can’t get out of. I am very unhappy as evidenced by my recent rants in blogville. Once you climb the corporate ladder high enough, there is no stepping down – just falling off.

    For what it’s worth, I think you are doing the right thing for you. I admire your guts and wish I them when I was younger.

  3. Scribe Called Steff

    Beth — I’ll have more time on the weekend, so I hope to take a visit to your link then. I’m sick and just hanging in there right now, but I’ll have three days off and should be back on my feet by then. πŸ™‚

    Myself — Yeah, well, it takes us a long time to figure it out about ourselves. I’ve always wanted success, though, so it surprises me to hate working this much, but maybe it’s that I’m working at the wrong things (but hope the writing, et al, are the right ones, so perhaps this is all the right choice after all.)

    Either way, I swung by the beach for shots of the sunset, bought baguette, and took side roads home. Nice to be back working in the city again.

    Haaaaaaa — yeah, I’ve had to sit a little too close to someone who’s given up too much of their life for work for far too long now and it made me realize what regret I did not want to have. It’s the right choice for now. I can always re-evaluate.

    Sorry to hear that you think you can’t, but maybe you’re just not considering the right options. You sound like the kind of guy that could be self-employed with consultancy options. Maybe you’re not thinking far enough outside the box.

    in any case, life’s too fucking short.

    Flying — I’m trying, man. I’m trying. πŸ™‚

Comments are closed.