I’m broke off my ass, but bought a bottle of wine last weekend in my ignorant bliss, and opened it tonight because it’s the first work night I’ve been home before 8 since about, well, 2007. A big bowl of hearty (and cheap) lentil stew, some shaved parmesan broiled on a bit of baguette, and my wine… temporary poverty done very nicely, thanks. And what do I find running on the telly?
Kinsey. The movie about Alfred C. Kinsey, the famed sex researcher, the dude that said gay & straight was measured on scale of zero to six, rather than being a black-or-white simplified issue. Me, I’m about a one or two (on the straight side). I’d be into chicks if they were more like guys. Like, my favourite L-Word girl (as if I watch it, though… holy fucking stereotypical melodrama, Batman) would be Shane.
A little thing you likely don’t know: The movie Kinsey is what prompted me to start this blog. My parents were very repressed sexually. My walking in on ’em having sex when I was 12 probably scarred them as much as it scarred me. My first encounters with arousal? I kept thinking I had to pee bad. I had no idea. Took me years to clue in. I was raised Catholic, once wanted to be a nun, was devastated when the guy I thought was “the one” and slept with wound up being “the one I shoulda overlooked, but didn’t”, and felt guilty for loving bondage among other less than average encounters.
There’s a scene where Kinsey reads to his wife from this religiously right book that says hands should never be used for excitation and oral sex brought through to orgasm was “possibly injurious” and would harm future reproduction. He says “It’s morality disguised as fact.”
It’s no secret, I’ve hated the Bush administration since day one. I started this blog in 2005, before the economy started to tumble, when people got distracted from Iraq, and morality was the trump issue for Republicans in power under a Born-Again Christian Commander in Chief. I was sick of it. I was sick with my leftover Catholicism driving me to guilt and shutting me down in my desire to get laid after a ridiculous dry spell, like I was some sex-craved addict or something. I was tired of feeling bound by morality and just wanted to shrug off the binds… voila, le blog was born.
My thoughts then, I guess, aren’t really all that different from my current motivations… to push myself into an era of self-learning and use the blog as a record for doing just that. It required a lot of thinking on matters of the self, still does. I’m grateful for that. The “blogging’s cheaper than therapy!” joke gets a little tired, but it never becomes untrue. I’d rather spend my therapy money on red wine and do me some blogging.
I think who we are in relationships, in sex, depends massively on who we are when we’re alone when the lights are out. Like the old saying goes: Character is who you are when no one’s around.*
You want to be comfortable in sex? Be truly comfortable and loving of yourself when you’re alone. Then, and only then, will you really be able to not only give but truly, truly receive in sex. In other words: Get over your hangups, man. Then, you’ll really dig someone else digging you, ’cause you’ll understand that they should be digging you. Dig?
This blog’s been me learning to really dig myself again. Since day one. Still is. As my life happens, the blog happens. I’ll get tired of this no-sex thing very, very soon, I’m sure, and the circle of blogging will continue for me. My life’s gonna be full of sex no matter who I am, no matter what size I am, no matter where I am. I’m a sexual person, and that’s just reality. But I’m also happy to be alone, because, most of the time, I really enjoy being in my own company. Some times more than others, but that’s just how we roll. (Mankind, that is.)
What’s interesting is, this movie makes it pretty clear that, whatever else sex is, it requires incredible amounts of trust, of vulnerability. It suggests the more you’re willing to be vulnerable, the more you’re likely to experience. I guess I realized that those statements are entirely true about life as a whole. Life gets better the more you trust, the more you allow yourself to be vulnerable, the more you give into the flow of give’n’go.
Trust, vulnerability, openness. Three of the most important things you’ll ever possess in your life. Three things that’ll never cost you a dime but’ll change your life in every way. Trust yourself, trust others, trust instinct, trust timing, trust serendipity. Be vulnerable to others, be vulnerable despite fear, be vulnerable quid pro quo others’ vulnerability. Be open to spontanaeity, be open to suggestion. Be open for bizness, babe.
Sadly, in my experience, those three states also very, very difficult to not only administer… but to administer judiciously, or even just right. And being wrong about it… whew. Bring in the damage control, man.
But, fortunately, with there being 24 hours a day and at least 365 days per year and an undetermined amount of years, I think there’s plenty sufficient time for do-overs (and more do-overs, and more do-vers…).
So, this is what, take 7, 423? Let’s make it a good one, then. [clapboard strikes]
*Re: Character being when no one’s looking, I had this moment when I got to the bus stop the other morning. I literally slipped on a banana peel, and about 10 steps later, went back and picked the thing up, moving it to the trash so no one else would slip (and, unlike me, maybe fall). No one was around, I could’ve left it, but I didn’t. I sat down at the bus stop and I had a moment where I thought, “Cool, so I’m that girl. Good to know.” Sometimes we beat ourselves up for stupid shit, so it’s nice to take those rare moments of self-love and celebrate ’em. Couldn’t help but share. Incidentally, I’m not always that girl… but I want to be. It’s an ongoing project. :)
PS: A reader wants to know what he should listen to during sex. I have my tastes, but what are yours? What makes you feel like getting hot’n’heavy? Doin’ the dirty? Do tell. I’ll post a compendium of what everyone says! Thanks!