As you know, I’m doing what I can to bust a move and minimize my copious ghetto ass, and I’m doing it the old-fashioned way — being aware of my choices, trying a variety of activity so I’m firing all my muscles at one point or another, and just practicing moderation. (Which now means cutting back on the red wine I love so much. Curse you, Cosmos.)

Our body image is so huge, isn’t it? I mean, secretly, we all have the same New Year’s Resolution: To look good naked.

There’s no bigger test, right? It’s easy to feel hot in makeup and heels, or in a good leather jacket and jeans that fit all the right places the right way, or in a thousand-dollar suit. With paint and posh goodies to wear, we’re all a little sexier. Hell, we can convey so much with our clothes and accessories, and sometimes what we’re adorned in can sell us all on its own.

Naked, though, you got no tricks. You can try lighting, like those who will only have sex in the dark (what’s wrong with you people? Turn the lights on! It’s hot! Light gleaming off sweat…).

But even the best lighting won’t sculpt inches off your waist or melt away those cellulite bumps.

Lipodissolve, though, will. You heard about this shit? It’s the new Botox, they say! (Yeah, I’ll never fuckin’ understand the thinking behind injecting a potentially fatal toxin, or any part of it, into me, but hey, I’m pragmatic. It’s what I do.)

So, this shit, you inject it in a matter of minutes, and it “melts” your fat away over the course of a few days. You, you do nothing. Fat just “dissolves”. But anyone with half a brain who’s ever taken physics or science of any kind knows that you can’t just turn something into nothing. There’s always evidence.

When you eliminate vitamins from your body, they come out in your pee. Where does the fat from Lipodissolve go? Well, that is the new Caramilk secret, apparently. Is it peed out? Dunno. Does it get pooped out? Dunno. Does it just evaporate like steam? Dunno. No one does. None of the smart guys who made it, and sure as shit not the questionable folk selling it. They just don’t know.

All I know is, if they can’t even tell ya where the fat’s going, thinking twice about having it injected into you might be the way to go, even if it’s yet another fuckin’ miracle product made from soy.

There are horror stories beginning to crop up Stateside. One unfortunate chick in this article had to be hospitalized as a result of her Lipodissolve experience. She left the hospital a week later, after a big-ass lump was resolved (how, the article doesn’t say… surgically? did it, too, “dissolve” on its own after appearing, and if so, what happened to the obviously hazardous contents of that mystery lump?).

Apparently she now has a belly shaped like a spoon. You know, some of my favourite meals have been served on bellies, but that’s a little excessive and sounds a little freaky-lookin’.

Other countries have banned the procedure. Not the good ol’ US of A, where selling fear and inadequacy are still big, big business. Creepy stuff, that Lipodissolve, but god knows people’ll flock to it. Whatever gets you to sleep at night, eh?