My Annual Anti-Valentine’s Day Posting

Valentine’s Day. A cruel joke, it would seem.

A day for lovers set smack-dab in the middle of February… the month where everyone’s just hangin’ on by a thread, awaiting the reprieve to come with spring. The month where most of us are slightly looser cannons than we’d normally be. A month filled with terse exchanges, groaning, television reruns, bills (and usually 3 less days to earn your money for some of us), and shitty weather. The month you’re probably the most likely to catch a flu or cold, other than November.

Yeah, gets me romantic every time. Pfft. Boo, hiss.

Hell, everyone’s still out of shape and low-energy after all the mad bingeing at Christmas and the doldrums of winter.

And what about the single people, eh? They’re in the same shitty February mode and they’re getting blitzed with all this pro-mating / relationship advertising and programming. It gets a bit much, you know. At my local coffee shop (a coffee shop!) they’re selling candy hearts and heart-shaped saucer and mug sets. It’s everywhere.

Back to Valentine’s, though. If you’re going to have a stupid-ass “lover’s” day, which I clearly have issues with anyhow, then do so, say, at the end of May, when everyone’s had a little sun and they’re feeling fitter and sexier, the days are longer, there’s a statutory holiday, and money’s good before the crazy party-spending of summer. Now that’s a good time to implement a mandatory-shag-and-dinner weekend. Not fuckin’ February!

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. Everybody knows I’m right. I don’t care if it’s actually in honour of St. Valentine, whose significance escapes me right now, yada, yada. It’s lousy friggin’ timing. And, besides that, it’s flat-out bullshit.

If you need a DAY to prompt you to demonstrate romance with your lover, then you don’t deserve a lover. If you need a DAY to remind you to be generous, you need to work on the fine art of giving.

You should be romantic and caring and expressive all the time. It makes for a wonderful relationship. It’s why we love the beginnings of relationships — we’re more present, more expressive. Why not make that last? You feel great when you’re having those blissed-out intimate experiences, so why not strive to make them happen more regularly? And giving, well, giving just all-out rocks. I love to give. I’ve never been really flush with cash, but I’m generous in my nature, and giving in my uniquely me way.* Whether it’s just making a small treat for someone, anyone, or something more grand, you shouldn’t need an occasion to compel you. Giving’s the new getting. Ain’t you heard?

I love cooking an all-out meal, blitzing the place with candles, throwing a blanket and pillows on the floor in an obvious sign of later intentions, and pretty much going to town with setting a good mood… any time of the year, and given the opportunity in a relationship, it happens often.

And I’m too pragmatic to be into going out for a fancy meal on the night you’re supposed to do it just so restaurants can gouge me senseless. It’s not fair, not right, and makes me think it’s better to have the dinner out a week or two before or after. And you should, too. You should stay in, do up a sensual feast, dine naked, and boycott the gouging bastards.


I’m gonna work on a special little Valentine-ish posting to give y’all a few ideas of your own, and I’ll have that up for you by the 13th.

As much as it galls me to commemorate the day. It’s time I deliver something tastier to my faithful minions, as patiently as you’ve put up with my shit and all.

So, I’ll tell you no details, but just let it be known I’ve gotten a lot of requests about it in the last couple years, and I’m finally delivering. Enjoy your wait. And you wanna read it before yer “big” night. I’ll try to get it posted a little earlier than Wednesday, so you can share with others in time for their “big” night, too.

*When it comes to giving of actual gifts, back when I had a car, I’d ride out to the valley and hit up the antique malls. On Christmas I gave a mint-condition set of tall Empire Strikes Back glasses (Hans, Leia, Luke, Vader, from Burger King, 1982) to one friend, cost me a paltry $25, and the expression on his face just made my week, man. Same Christmas, gave another friend a red 1952 rotary-dial telephone that he still uses. (I have one too, black, grandma’s. Visitors love the ring.) I gave others gifts that Christmas, but those are the only two I remember. Thing about retro and antique gifts is, people know you were thinking outside the box. Part of the whole point. Keep that in mind when you’re considering gifts. Do something different. Different makes money a little less relevant, ‘cos, hey, it’s different.

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