With Valentine’s Day being here, and knowing most guys wanna be a rockstar for their femmes of choice, I’m hoping to put a couple nuggets out there for them to digest. See below.
I wanted to write something along the lines of my “vixen” series for guys trying to be better lovers, but I just didn’t get that happening in time, and instead you get this — more of a collection of things to keep in mind for being a better lover.
And in the next couple months I’ll deliver more on how to get your head better in the durty s-e-x game, and how to produce results from it. Y’all deserve it.
Like Tom Waits sings, you gotta pin your ear to the wisdom post. When you’re doing your damnedest to rile your woman up something awful, you need to listen to every little thing she says or just plain emits. Her moans and groans and pleas and cries are your guide to where your attentions are best spent.
Once upon a world, my wimminfolk readers, I once was a quiet lover during sex. Involved as hell, oh yeah, but very hush-hush about my reactions. Then I noticed that when I started expressing what I felt through groans and gasps and moans — even when I was masturbating with no company around — I had a better, deeper orgasm. It seemed to me that some kind of psychic lock opened and I was able to get more into the moment.
Stop worrying about sounding silly, and start being more free with yourself. Your orgasms will be a thank-you card you’ll love, love, love. You don’t have to be “let’s tell the neighbours!” loud, but you need to be audible. Give your man some of your “aural pleasure”, and it’s likely his performance will improve, too, because he’ll be more confident about what’s working and what’s not. Personally, I keep the volume low since I’m an apartment dweller, but I’m effective, very. You should be too. You can thank me later.
All right, guys. You want me to make this easy for ya, don’t you, and tell ya a secret magic button to push to get your woman past Go every time? Good luck with that.
Women aren’t one-size-fits-all like a t-shirt, so there’s no sure-fire list of things to listen to. You need to use your judgment. You need to discern between the good variations on reactions as well as the bad ones. Take your standard-issue sharp-intake gasp: This can be both good and bad, bad, bad. When the sharp-intake gasp happens, does the body tense, becoming stiff, even rigid? Does she (or he) pull away? Then it’s probably a bad thing and you should throw things in reverse mighty quick. Or do they start to quiver a bit, shuddering? Does she (or he) reach out to touch you? Do their legs fall open a little more or start to brush against you or their back arch? You’re probably heading in a pretty sweet direction, so don’t stop now.
Back in the early ’90s, I taught a few friends how to drive on my rustbucket standard, and to start the lessons off, I’d say: “Driving stick is like having sex. Every little thing you do, your car’s gonna react to. You should be able to shift gears just by knowing the engine’s ready to shift, not because you’re reading some tachometer that tells you so… listen to it, feel it, and go with your instinct.” Not having a tachometer for my car was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I rocked the stick because I learned to feel the car and know what it needed. That’s all it takes.
Sex involves a hell of a lot of trust, and not just between you and your partner. You have to trust that you’re reading her signals right. If you’re wrong, then get it right next time. But if you don’t trust yourself, you won’t be confident enough to be a lover worth lovin’.
Probably the worst thing you can do as a lover is to ignore the physical and aural clues being given off by your partner. There’s a difference between changing up approaches — ie: nibbling on the clitoris and then sucking and nibbling your way over to her thigh — for heightened arousal and teasing, say, and the really awkward sudden switch between, oh, fingering her then proceeding with oral without having any tease and play between the stages. Never, ever just jump back and forth between approaches without using that vast landscape of skin and all your body parts to help keep the arousal constant. Women need gradual, constant stimulation to get to orgasm, so don’t fuck it up by playing like Chunky Loverman who doesn’t get the notion of flow.
You need to be fluid. Channel your inner Zen master and be confident and have flow. Every movement has a purpose: To leave your lover utterly satiated.
Always use a hand to caress and fondle her (listen up girls, ditto for you). Your hands should never go unused when you’re trying to satisfy your lover. But when she’s getting into what you’re doing, don’t just suddenly change to something else. Women can be difficult to get onto the orgasm path, so don’t go pushing her off of it with a lack of finesse. If she’s groaning and really hot, then you want to change between things that are equally arousing. You could be nibbling her clit while kneading and caressing her inner thighs, and then change positions, using your fingers on her clit as you nibble back and forth on her thigh and mons, paying attention to creased areas since they’re often more sensitive.
Same thing with, say, changing sex positions. Flipping her over and thrusting back in works, sure, but it’s not as effective as taking a moment to rub her vagina a bit and stimulate all the good parts, use one hand to keep yourself hard while you’re getting her primed again. When she starts to get into your rubbing, then you enter. Flow, remember? Transition between every movement, or every change. Try to end the sudden switch-ups.
Now, guys, this should go without saying, but if you are fortunate enough to have a woman who has the guts to talk about what she wants out of sex, then be man enough to listen without getting your feelings hurt. This isn’t about you, right? You want HER to orgasm, then let her teach you how her body works, if she knows, because you will not always be so lucky. There are a lot of ignorant women out there who don’t know what their body likes. It’s NOT ABOUT YOU, and you need to get that out of your head. This about her body, how she reacts, and I really don’t give a fuck if you think it’s your moneyshot that works with “all” women — because there is no moneyshot. You need to figure your woman out and you need to know she’s not just a cookie cut-out of every woman you’ve ever been with.
Every woman is different. This is why you love them, but you need to get it through your head that each woman being different is a GOOD thing. Variety’s the spice of life, yeah? You need to understand that women’s organs are much more complicated than the trusty penis, and, as a result, men need to use the opportunity to learn all they can about each woman they’re with. If she’s not being vocal and you’re getting no aural clues, then you need to casually try to find out more by asking what she’s liking and not. Never, ever be shocked or react to what her desires are, or you might shame her into believing she can’t trust you with that information, and that could be deadly to your sex life.
Since it’s Valentine’s day and all, let’s just mention a couple things men need to remember more often:
- Hard sex with pounding-thrusting can be great now and then, but if you think every woman loves it, or even that most women get a lot out of it, you’re kidding yourselves. The end of the vaginal canal, for most women, has little feeling. It doesn’t push any of our buttons, most of the time. Deep thrusting does more for you men than it does for most women. Why? Because while you have nerve endings at the tip AND base of your penis, most of our nerve endings are towards the surface of our vagina and within the first couple inches of the canal, and continual just deep thrusting results in pretty routine thumping of all our most sensitive parts. Usually most chicks will like hard thrusting for one very good reason: the rhythmic slapping effect on the clitoris. Any attention the clit gets is a fun time, most times. An instant way to give her greater pleasure is to start using more shallow and to be sure you’re using fingers on the clitoris at the same time. (Please, don’t misunderstand this to think no female likes deep thrusting — I mean nothing of the kind. I just mean it’s not what you think it is, and needs to be something you do occasionally, not constantly.)
- The missionary position gets pretty boring pretty fast for some of us. Change positions! Trying other positions means the penis enters at different angles, allowing different areas of the vagina to receive sensation, and can mean for a really wild variation in feeling. When it comes to positions, there is no greater online resource than EVERYTHING SEX, where you’ll find photographic examples of positions of all kinds, with short writeups explaining the move. These pages are VERY graphic and are WAY not safe for work. Here is their page of “erotic positions“, and these are your more standard positions you won’t need to be a yoga master to handle, and the “standard” positions are broken into handy categories like “man on top”, “woman on top”, “rear-entry”, “kneeling” and more.
- When it comes to positioning, something you might’ve loved with another partner won’t necessarily be anything great with a new partner. Why? Every body’s different, and you need to try position after position to see what’s going to work the best for you. Don’t be scared to try new positions. It might just blow your mind.
- Remember: About a half of all women have trouble orgasming, if they can orgasm at all. Some 40% of women don’t masturbate (dumb!) and that’s probably huge in why they can’t orgasm. You pressuring her to orgasm? Not going to help. Again: her inability to orgasm is NOT ABOUT YOU. It’s about her, her body, her mental issues, her comfort factor, her trust in you. If she can’t orgasm and you make it about you, she’s going to feel like shit, and, guess what? She still won’t be able to orgasm. Instead, tell her you’d rather just bring her pleasure until she can’t handle it any more, and when she wants you to stop, you will, and you’ll be all right with that. Then, you be Energizer Bunny man, and you keep going and going and going when she’s enjoying it, but if it means you finally need to blow your load, then do that, but continue by giving her oral very, very soon. Until she wants you to stop, then stop. Really, stop. (And if she wants you to stop way sooner than you want to? Tough. It’s called “consent” for a reason.)
So, if you’re having a special night this week to commemorate Valentine’s, then I hope it’s a wonderful one. Remember to get prepared in advance if “special” is what you want. Be organized — have your oils, rubs, props, lube, condoms, a wiping cloth*, bottled water, and more at your ready — in advance so that when the sex does happen, it’s a world you can stay in for a very, very long time. This goes double for the women out there. When a guy sees that you’re consciously PLANNING to have great sex with him, they’ll usually be very, very happy to see you deviously scheming a night with them and it ups the excitement ante.
Guys, however, might not want to be so obvious about their planning. Women will appreciate the planning during and after the act, but before the act will likely offend a lot of women. Which is stupid, but it is what it is. It implies something, the planning. Some women will think it means you see them as easy, I guess. Shrug. But plan and organize anyhow. Most women will be thrilled to be wiped clean, dried off, and given a bottle of water. Contradicting? Of course. But that’s the fabulous female mind for you. We’re complicated.
(Actually, some very good, longstanding societal norms have caused these “mysterious” reactions from us… undoing all that will take a generation or two. But that’s another posting for another time.)
Happy Valentine’s Day, folks. And, if you’re single, rent your favourite erotic flick, make a nice meal, and don’t forget to masturbate. Or go to the gym and watch other obviously single folks get hot and sweaty with ya, and make sure you look good. Who knows, you could get lucky. Eye contact, it’s free! :)
The pic is from sexyfx.com, aka Everything Sex.
*Wiping cloth: I thought of this a while back and still think it’s a great idea: Put two or three (or more!) damp washcloths in a rice cooker with just a little water, and keep it on the “keep warm” setting, so you can clean each other up a little when messy syrups or other fluids make things a little too “durty” for your tastes. Put an extra bowl by the cooker so you can put the used cloths in it rather than back in the cooker. Make sure you have a couple dry cloths, too, so no one needs be moist and chilled.