Reader Asks: Should I Give Up On Sex? I Love Her

Some questions, I just hate receiving, and it’s because I know there’s no happy ending. Like this one.

My g/f is very lukewarm towards sex. She just doesn’t enjoy it that much, and does it for me, which by itself is a bit of a turnoff. My ex-wife and I had a very good sex life, and I have had good sex with many women over the years. But my g/f is just not much into it. I want to marry her, and I will not let the sex issue stop that because I love her and she’s my best friend, but I’m kind of bummed at the thought of bad sex for the rest of my life. It’s a subject that we don’t even seem to be able to talk about.

Now, it needs to be known that this woman’s on an anti-depressant for chronic depression, so that’s quite possibly lowering her libido.

But.

The problem here is that this woman isn’t just not talking about it; she’s not trying to like sex more, she’s not initiating, she’s not willing to investigate what might be causing the lack of libido, and, of course, she won’t even talk about it.

I mean, if I’m understanding things, this isn’t a dry patch here. This is a status quo. You’re in the pre-marriage stage, when sex is supposed to be happening all the time, right? And it’s not, right? Well, THAT’S not the best of omens, now is it?

But you seem to be doing this whole “Well, she’s a fantastic friend, I love her… she’s not much of a lover, but, boy, is she swell” thing. Admirable, yes, but you hit the nail on the head:

“I’m kind of bummed at the thought of bad sex for the rest of my life.”

Well, YEAH. Of COURSE you are! You should be! It’s not about “sex”. It’s about everything that it encompasses. Sex is tenderness, a lowering of guards, raw animal instinct, it’s even slow, lingering moments that seem to suspend time. It’s so much more than just some thrusting and grunting. It’s not just sex.

Sex is that altered state of our relationships. It’s when we’re able to strip away all the bullshit of our lives, and just get down to two naked bodies sharing a moment.

Sex and its passion have spawned great art, great literature, and great stories for all of mankind’s history. Love and lust are things that transcend time, generations, geography, and even culture. We all long to be loved, but there are those of us who are great romantics, passionate people with great libido and desiring of intimacy in all its forms, and that’s not just us being needy, that’s milleniums of cultural reinforcement and biology speaking. That’s who we are, right down to our DNA, man. Who are you to fight that?

It is absolutely insane that so many people are willing to say, “Oh, but they’re such a great person– who cares if we don’t have sex?” before signing up for marriage. What the fuck are you people thinking?

After all, every time you have bad sex that they’re not really in the mood for, or they “grin and bear/bare it”, or they just don’t want to, they’re rejecting you.

We all need to accept a little rejection, it’s part of life, we don’t always get what we want. But when it comes to wanting sex in a marriage, I don’t think it’s wrong to want what you want, or even to expect to get a little of it from time to time.

But I think you’re kidding yourself if you believe you can live with rejection as a status quo and not have it change you as a person. Do you really think signing up for what’s essentially a lifestyle filled with rejection will ever make you happy and content, regardless of what a great “friend” your wife is?

People seem to get this really silly feeling that they’re being selfish for wanting to have good sex. No, you’re simply trying to be true to what your biological requirements are. Some of us are more sexual beings, and it’s part of who we are. We can’t pretend that it’s not the case, but what we can do is, mate with people who are similarly driven.

Your girlfriend doesn’t just not like sex, she has no interest in trying to change that. Which means you either have to take what you get and like it, or you have to decide now, before you put both your futures into a marriage contract that is very likely to be something you one day break or end if you make this sacrifice that makes you “bummed out” now before you’ve even gotten before a minister, whether or not you can spend the rest of your life possibly never having that great sexual union (or any sex at all) with this woman you love but can’t really call a “lover”.

If she’s not willing to at least meet you halfway, then you seriously need to consider making her your friend, and not your lover.

The reality is, she needs to see this as being a problem. If she fails to believe it is one, and refuses to take steps like counselling, weekly sex, libido tweaking via diet, exercise, or even a change in drugs, then marrying her might be the biggest mistake you could make.

Seriously. You are a sexual guy. You deserve to know what knee-shaking, gut-wrenching, explosively intimate yet animal sex with a woman you truly love feels like. That’s not selfishness. That’s understandable, even biological. If it’s something you crave now, imagine what it’ll be like 10 years down the line, even 20. You want to be the guy cheating on his wife that he “loves” but who doesn’t ever show her love to him via intimacy and sex? You want to be wracked with guilt because you think you’re not man enough to overcome your sexual urges? Do you?

The choice is yours. You need to MAKE this conversation happen. She needs to KNOW you crave intimacy and love and affection and even orgasms. She needs to know that not only do you deserve it, but that you think she deserves it from you, too, and you have it to give. She needs to know that you guys need to be somewhat on a sex-friendly page, or this marriage can’t happen.

If she won’t work with you to at least get you both in a better place, then maybe all you have is a good living arrangement with a great friend. But even if she does start trying to be a real “lover”, then you need to take at least a year or longer before you finally do marry, because it’s easy to have sex for six weeks and then stop. You need to make sure any changes she adopts are going to be more than just temporary. You need to be sure she’s starting to feel the passion, too.

I wish I could a lacking sex life an easy thing to overcome, but it’s not. Sex and money cause the majority of the divorces out there, and it’s because of making naive decisions like “sex isn’t that important”… because it really is. Be very, very sure.

I’m not trying to prevent a marriage here; I’m trying to prevent a divorce. Think about it. Divorces happen over moments of indiscretion or years of inattention, so don’t go gently into thy good night, reader.