"You've Gotta Be a Dude": Sorry?

Maybe I’m in a bad mood because an old friend went and died on the weekend. Maybe I’m in a bad mood because I got up and saw more snow falling when we should be well into a spring that’s never yet arrived. Maybe I’m in a bad mood because it’s Monday.

But I was pretty pissy when I got this comment on one of my best old posts, The Good Girl’s Guide to Giving Great Head (Part 2):

You are a dude. No woman would recall this much detail unless she had a dick herself.

Where to even begin?

One, most average guys couldn’t describe a great blowjob to save their lives. “Well, she… I don’t know, but, man, when I came, oh! And I remember this thing she did with her tongue…” They’re just happy when a woman’s lips are on their penis, but when she starts doing things with it, well, that’s even better. (No offence, guys. πŸ™‚

Two, good writing is ALL about the details, just like blowjobs and cooking, man. It’s all about the details. I aim to be a good writer, in all its definitions. So, I write well, and I capture details very well, it’s why I should really be writing manuals for a living. But then I’d be bored and would have to kill myself, so, no, I blog instead.

Three, you just insulted every woman alive, including yourself. What, you don’t think a woman could get that good at giving head? You think every woman sees a penis and goes, “God, get me out of this as quick as possible. Give him a really itchy trigger. Man, I hate doing this” or something, and then just turns stupid and can’t remember the series of things she did to make him whimper and groan?

I really fucking hate it when people either a) steal this post of mine — which has been plagiarized all over the fucking web (gutless thieving fucking cowards) or b) think I had to be a GUY to know what to do with a penis.

No, I’m not a guy. No, I’m not a “trained professional”. No, I’ve never taken biology class. No, I’ve never taught or have been taught sexuality.

But I give a wicked blowjob, and I love the power it gives me. I make grown men crumple beneath me. It’s fabulous. I’m that person who sees life through hyper-detailed eyes. It yields me terrific results. I remember that everything I do is a collection of smaller actions that build into larger events. That’s what makes life fun. When I do anything sexual, I don’t often close my eyes. Instead, I watch my partner’s reactions, every breath they take and every move they make, and I’m really fully aware of the sensations I’m causing. You throw my great memory and my penchant to detail into the mix, and whew, you get some of this blog, babe.

Sigh. It’s what you get when you throw a philosophy addict into the art of sexuality and get ’em to write about how to make it all good. I live the overthought life. It pays off when I write about giving hummers, it would seem.

But I ain’t no guy. I’ve written about PMS and periods a few times too many to be male. But if you, cynical reader, want to delude yourself into thinking all women are too aloof to write such a thing, then I guess that’s your very-1950s’ prerogative. Go for it.

Oh, let it be known here and now then: I love comments. I’m just fully prepared to throw down when I see cheesy comments that need some commentary. (Fortunately, that seldom happens.)

(By the way, a lot of the older posts, like
The Good Girl’s Guide, were originally posted on my old blog, The Cunting Linguist, but I didn’t copy all the comments over. This one was left this morning, so it’s a totally new comment, ergo probably a totally new reader. Or, was. Ha.)

8 thoughts on “"You've Gotta Be a Dude": Sorry?

  1. myself

    Ummm hellloooooo? I remember EVERYTHING I do, and man, my dry spell is running over a year and a half. How the hell could I duplicate it if I didn’t bloody remember what turned a specific guy on? I enjoy giving a bj that results in the “omg that was amazing!” comment, thanyouverymuch!

    How insulting! I totally agree with you Steff. And you’ll understand this, with that, I’m off to the gym! (oh woe is me!)

  2. Svetlana Ivanova

    I agree that “most average guys couldn’t describe a great blowjob to save their lives.” Are you more likely to remember the route to a destination if you were the passenger or the driver? The fellatrix is the “driver” of the blow job; the man just “comes” along for the ride. As long as he reaches to his destination, the “route” doesn’t really matter to him.

  3. Svetlana Ivanova

    I should have previewed before hitting “publish.” That should be “reaches his destination.”

  4. Catalina Ramirez

    What an imbecile. I know every ridge, every twitch, every wrinkle, every taste and smell… of my Partner’s cock. Who better to know all those details than the person who is worshiping the cock?

    Well, at least his comments gave you something to write about πŸ™‚

  5. Revka

    Hihi I love your responding (sorry, how do you say that? I’m Dutch and my English is okay, but not brilliant…) to this stupid ass comment!
    I enjoyed your column about giving head very very much, and I sure hope my husband will love it even more tonight πŸ™‚
    Nice to discover your website, I will read on! So please, keep on writing!

  6. Scribe Called Steff

    MYSELF: Oh, woe is us.

    Yeah, I think if you’re really into trying to do your best, at anything in life really, you’ll likely remember more detail regarding your attempts.

    Clearly that reader, no. But hey. Thank god the writer’s a detail-rememberer. Maybe being a writer has to do with the remembering. Whatever.

    Svet– Excellent comment. Great point. Thank you. πŸ™‚

    There are men who do remember, of course. The average guy doesn’t tend to remember much but the orgasm, which sort of makes sense. I really can’t remember much about the guys who’ve gone down on me, either, so. Just aspects thereof. Which is normal, methinks.

    Besides, I don’t really ENJOY giving head. Not much at all. Aspects of it, some of it, yeah. It’s like exercise; the result’s what it is all about. For me, anyhow.

    Cat– Yowza! Mreow! So feisty. You go, girl.

    Revka: I totally get you, and thank you!

    I hope you gave your husband my best.

    Ahem.

  7. Anonymous

    Knowing the anatomy isn’t half as important as knowing the functionality. Any guy knows that better for a cock than any woman ever will. It’s just that simple. When your partner wants you to jerk him off rather than him masturbating, I’ll change this POV. Most men know their partners’ pussies pretty well anatomically. Would you prefer his hand to your own?

  8. Scribe Called Steff

    I have no idea what left field this came out of based on the posting, so I’m not sure exactly why you’re trying to make this point.

    When someone, man or woman, wants to get themselves off, they’re ALWAYS going to be more efficient and faster at it than a lover might be. That’s fucking obvious. I’d never say anything to oppose that.

    A lover offers a different approach than we masturbators would usually use. It’s the element of surprise.

    Again, TOTALLY OFF TOPIC ON THIS POST, so I have no idea what your point was, really.

    Then again, I just woke up. Still, I think it’s a left-field comment on this posting. Correct me if I’m wrong.

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