Three or four weeks ago, I had a date I’d been both excited about and worried about. He seemed like a really great, sweet guy with a big brain and a love for life, but I also knew he was overweight, and, personality wise, virtually a carbon copy of an ex I quite liked a couple years back.
The date disappointed me a whole lot of ways, mostly because I wasn’t really myself there and came off a little, I don’t know, bitter and whiney. It was a bad weekend for me, ‘cos it’s when my hand had blown out a little and I couldn’t even hold a fork. Going on a date was the least of my worries, and probably wasn’t wise, but I guess I exuded my stress, and I really hate it when I do that.
I suspect he probably read the stress wrong, and that’s too bad, because it didn’t have much to do with him. Had the date gone well, though, I’m almost certain I would have taken a pass on anything further with him. One, his similarities to my ex included the faults too, and, two, because he was morbidly obese. While I’m still obese, I’m fighting the good fight.
I’ve lost 37 pounds, but have about 50 to go, if I’m being honest. I cannot, I will not, get involved with anyone who does not exercise and who eats and drinks to excess. I would fall into old habits and then the self-loathing would return and I’d be back in the same vicious circle that got me in this jam.
Somewhere on that date, the thought of not wanting to fall into vicious cycles occurred to me, and I began to feel pretty badly about thinking that way about this fellow.
When you’re the person who’s been, you suspect, “decided against” on the basis of your fitness and eating, and you know what it’s like to think, “But you don’t even know me, I’m a fantastic person…” and then the table turns and you’re the person doing the deciding against…
It’s a pretty nasty head trip. I felt like such a hypocrite. Such a nice man. But I’ve fought so hard to lose my weight. I still lose battles against things like chocolate and butter and other delectable things I just love, love, love, and I know my weakness. Because I’m weak, I need someone that’s strong and living the healthy life, too. It sucks to think I’ll have to make the same kinds of judgements that once would hurt me.
But there comes a point on the journey of self, when you’re closer to a newer, better you, a better life, a better outlook, when you have to reevaluate those who are in your life and those who you choose to partner with, because your needs have changed as a person and you’ll need people who can better accommodate those. There’s no sense going into brave new worlds as a person just to find yourself the same old kind of people who enabled you to be that person who’s now in your distant past.
It’s one of the reasons I’m not too keen to get involved with men right now. I know I’m not feeling like myself–too tired, too stressed, too overworked–and the vibes I put out are wrong. I know things will sort out in the next few weeks as my money settles down, work picks up, and I get a handle on my energy levels. Besides, the kind of man I attract will change exponentially in the coming weeks and months.
I know that sounds really arrogant to say, but I don’t think it is. I know I have a lot to offer a man, hell, you know it too. I’ve always been told by the men I’ve been involved with that I’m an awesome girlfriend. Generous, doting, sexual, great cook, funny as hell, all those things. Right now, I don’t exude that. It’s the biggest surprise ever when a guy finds out how much I have to give, because I come across more guarded in life. Less so now, and that’ll continuing to lessen as weeks and months continue to pass.
When life gets hard for me, I do what I call “turtling”. I develop the hard shell, proceed slowly in realms of trust, and become very much an entity of and for myself. It really doesn’t make for being Little Miss Girlfriend. That’s a fault of mine I’ll be fighting to change until the day I die. I do not like my defensiveness and my urge to protect myself and not reach out in hard times. It was bred into me, though, and you know how hard it is to change some of our familial legacies.
So life is still hard for me, very. I may be constantly improving myself and making positive changes, but I still feel like life is as hard as it’s ever been, so my defensive modes are still in place, something I never realized until I had that date a couple weeks back.
Now it’s yet another thing I need to start working to consciously improve. Welcome to life, hey?
I still haven’t figured out that date yet. There was just such a strange swirl of headtrippings for me, everything from old hand issues and the emotional baggage that came with, to a very sudden realization at the end of a two block walk that left my companion huffing and puffing, and flashbacks of me having been a huff-puff girl, but knowing I’m so not her anymore, and never want to be again.
I have another date next week, but you know how things change. I’m amused that it’s with someone who doesn’t even live in town, and being the psychoanalytical type I am, I’m thinking “Gee, Steff, what’s this? You’re consciously going after someone you wouldn’t have to see often? Tired of having to actually work in relationships, are you?”
I mean, there’s a whole other way to look at distance relationships, and I’m so fervently opposed to them on principle, that my willingness to try a date out with this fellow just leaves me thinking “What the hell are you thinking?”
But, really, I know: Getting laid intermittently while keeping my me-time. Really. It’s a cop-out and I know it, but I also love it.
Of course, if the date should flop and I’m left to myself and masturbation, that will keep life simple and manageable, too. But if it works out, then who knows. All I know, is, it’s just a date, that’s all.
(This is why we say we’re “keeping things simple” when we don’t date, eh? Geez! ;)