How to Enjoy the Single (And Non-Dating) Life

Most places you look and read will have you believe that everyone who’s single dates all the time. Really? My friends and I have missed that memo.
So it’s easy to feel like you’re a loser when you’re the one who’s totally current on what’s happening on all your favourite tv shows, since you’re the one keeping the couch warm while every other person on the planet appears to have a life. “Thank god for entertainment,” you sigh.
Every now and then, dating patches occur. Some are good, some are bad. Even when things are good, first dates often occur peppered with awkward conversations once it’s obvious that there’s not much there beyond a little physical attraction, then comes the troubling dilemma of “sex or no sex”. You know, you’re at the gates of the promised land of the fabled orgasm. You could use a little servicing. You’ll never see them again anyhow, so, why not have a little visit through those gates to orgasmic bliss?
And it seems so simple and easy but somewhere in the throes of being serviced, silly little emotional flashbacks to all the good things that come with a sexual relationship start to confuse the issues. After all, the reality is, you’re just having a total NSA courtesy fuck and they’re going to be riding the highway to nada by 6am. And god help you so you don’t fall asleep and they rob you for every little fucking thing you have. Fuck me, please, but leave the television, right?
So it’s no great mystery that there are those of us who fall into complicated patches of life and start to entertain the notion that dating, for all the small joys it can contribute, really comes with its share of headaches, too. And maybe, just maybe, life without all those headaches isn’t so bad after all. I mean, there’s always your trusty hand to do the servicing.
God knows that’s the line of thinking I’ve adopted. Despite moments where “alone” starts to feel lonely, I ultimately also really love the sanctuary and freedom that comes with my simple single-and-solo life.
In yesterday’s posting, I commented about an upcoming date that, “if the date should flop and I’m left to myself and masturbation, that will keep life simple and manageable, too.”
Hell, yeah! Being a party of one is all right. Living a solo existence can be absolutely fulfilling if you know how to do it right. And masturbation is required!
The single life can be fantastic, when you’ve got the money to see movies, attend events you dig, browse bookshops, and enjoy cafes, and whatever else takes your life from “existing” to “full”. That’s what I’m really looking forward to when money returns to me: The joys of hanging out in cafes and movie theatres by myself. Sometimes I chat with other people, or maybe I just get to observe life unfolding. It’s great. And it’s what I love to do, so why must I wait for the permissiveness of being in the company of others to enjoy such things?
And that’s the secret about being single, it’s realizing life doesn’t have to only be in parties of two. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you need to wait for friends to accompany you out in the world. All you need is the sense of entitlement that you, too, deserve to enjoy your place in the world.
If I haven’t been enjoying being single, it’s because I’m missing that small element of money so I can be out in the world in coffee shops and theatres, prepare lavish meals for myself, buy the bath bitsies that make me feel like I own my own spa… all those little things add up to me really enjoying being single and not dating. It’s about remembering to value yourself because you deserved to be valued, regardless of whether you’re in the mythical “party of two” so idealized by the media today. We all deserve to be loved and cherished, even if we’re going to bed alone at night.
There’s a comic strip that I wish I still had, but it’s the Baby Blues strip in which the couple is pregnant with their second baby and the husband asks the wife, “So have you told your sister yet?” and the wife frowns and says something like, “Oh, honey, I can’t. I feel so sorry for her, she’s all alone, so single, and we’re so blessed. I’ll call her later.”
Then the last frame of the comic shows the sorry-ass, so-single sister lying in a bubble bath with a glass of red wine, candles burning, and she’s reading a book. Yes, a sad and empty existence, but she’s the one with the time for a glass of wine in a bubble bath with a book, right?
Exactly. Being single is what you make of it. Embrace it for what it is: your opportunity to begin what Oscar Wilde calls the proverbial life-long love affair–truly loving yourself–or else you can sit around and wish you had anything other than what you’re fortunate enough to have… yourself.
Get that party of one started. Hell, stay in, cook yourself a fabulous meal, watch a great movie, and end the evening with a little self-love in the form of that evil masturbation. You’re worth it, and just because you’re keeping life simple doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a little indulging of yourself. After all, it’s why we sometimes opt out of the chaos of dating anyhow, isn’t it?

10 thoughts on “How to Enjoy the Single (And Non-Dating) Life

  1. Anonymous

    This post ROCKS. So completely true!

    “And that’s the secret about being single, it’s realizing life doesn’t have to only be in parties of two.”

    Even when you realize it, you need to make a conscious effort to remind yourself of it every single day. We’re all being bombarded with that you’re-nobody-until-somebody-loves-you message 24/7, and it can be hard not to be swayed by it even when you know better.

  2. C.J. Strata

    An important trait in any potential mate (for myself, anyway): As much in love with life—if not moreso—as they are with me.

    Personally, I think there are merits to both the single and the coupled ways of life. It boils down to the same perspective I have for having children: It might be a wonderful experience, but it’s not one I want right now; I’m happy where I am currently, and while that might change in the future, it hasn’t yet, and I’m fine with that.

    Besides that…just ’cause a person gets into a relationship doesn’t mean they have to spend every waking moment (or sleeping, for that matter) with their partner. In fact, it’s highly recommended against; that’s called ‘smothering.’ Not a particularly enjoyable experience, believe you me. I think it’s absolutely critical that folk in a relationship give one another time to themselves—and that they talk about it. Such balances rarely occur by divine providence, dumb luck, or whatever you’d care to call it…but that’s a tangent for another day.

    Anonymous person above: I dunno, I actually don’t find it all that difficult to ignore that kind of generalized message. I’ve come to really believe you can’t love somebody until you love yourself; stir in a general skepticism of ‘socially accepted’ concepts, with a dash of the cynical standby “people in large groups are stupid,” and it becomes surprisingly easy to dismiss whatever subliminal messages might be thrown my way.

  3. Anonymous

    “it becomes surprisingly easy to dismiss whatever subliminal messages might be thrown my way.”

    If you buck the pairing trend long enough, the messages become overt as well as subliminal. You may not agree with the ideals of society, but you still have to live in it & interact with it every day. Sometimes having to be constantly prepared to deal with flak for being alone gets old; sometimes it causes doubts. If you don’t find yourself occasionally susceptible to that, then good for you.

  4. Tachaé

    Wow. I occasionally read your blog and I havent left without being impressed yet, from insight on catholicism to the real single life…

    But I really needed to read this post right now.

  5. Scribe Called Steff

    Anon 1– I agree, we’re just bombarded. I disagree with CJ Strata, I think the older you get, the more you’re surrounded with these messages, the more you’re going to have the odd day when you feel like you’re being left out of life just because you don’t have a lover.

    I think it’s impossible to not feel that way sometimes. CJ’s clearly breathing rare air.

    CJ– You’re breathing rare air, or else you’re under 25. The older you get, the more you’re bombarded with this shit. Moments happen, days, and weeks, and even months where you can totally operate on a “I’m alone too often” mentality.

    I think your comment is a little naive and is spoken by someone that doesn’t understand what being “alone” on a longterm basis feels like when you’re actually LIVING alone and live the standard “go to work, get tired, come home, chill, rinse, and repeat” life that gets doled out to all of us when we hit 30-or-so.

    Or maybe you’re just a special, impermeable, new, improved genetic creation, in which case, yes, good for you. 🙂

    By the way, since most readers around these part seem kind new these days, it’s good to note I’ve written on all these topics dozens and dozens of times from different perspectives, in the more-than-1,000 posts I’ve accrued, so. I’ve tackled the “every living person dies alone” perspective of being in a relationship, and will definitely do so again… it’s really important and will never tire in being repeated.

    Anon2 — Yeah, I agree, I don’t go for long periods of feeling “lonely” or needy, and I suspect it’s more often that I’m finding an itch that needs scratching, and not so much that I want to start alotting 25% of my life (or more, much much more) to a significant other.

    Tachae– You silly! You should read me often, not just occasionally. 🙂

    But I’m glad it was what you needed today. Believe you me, I’ve had those days too.

    Have a better tomorrow. And don’t forget to masturbate! Way to empower yerself, girl.

  6. Anonymous

    Oh, get out of my head, please. The last two posts describe exactly my thought processes over the weekend.

    Thanks for your writing.

  7. Anonymous

    hmmmm, have been a pretty horrible marriage, and have had a SO for a year and a half after. i have been happily single for the last year and i am loving it. would i like to have someone to snuggle up with on the couch? sure, but i really don’t want to deal with all the bullshit associated with that at the moment. i have gone on dates, have simply gotten laid, and was spending time with someone once in a while….but my hand was my constant companion too because it knows what i like.

    this is a great post especially for those that have the odd lonely day.

    thanks

  8. Will

    Oh, this was so, SO, good to read.

    Thank you, for giving voice to The Singular Singleness of being Single!

    Great post, for Sugasm.
    You got my vote.

    ~x~Will.

  9. Volaitlesub

    Thanks for that fabulous post!! I am sitting at home tonight with the dear boyfriend at work enjoying a quiet evening with myself. It is wonderful and I know that I will enjoy the time with him when it comes later this week. As I will appreciate the children more when they return at the end of the summer. Thanks again,
    Volatilesub

  10. EmmaK

    you’re right, the single life has much that is fun about it…but masturbation really isn’t all that great especially when you have no one to cuddle with afterwards.

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