Damn You, Online Dating!

WHAT the HELL am I doing?
Are you like me, you do the whole “I’m SO happy I’m single!” and then you get bored on the weekend, so you figure “What the fuck? I’ll go browse…” and you log onto your dating site of choice. A day or so later you’ve managed to get yourself into, like, eight possible scenarios that may or may not wind up with a date? Most likely no date, because you’re going to come to your senses and think “I so can do better than that“?
Because, somewhere along the lines you think, “Wait. How the fuck did HE get in this mix? Did my standards take a 20-minute leave of absence and somehow he magically made the cut? What the FUCK? What is WRONG with me?”
Yeah. All right. And what a waste of my time, too. Most of this online shit deserves to be hurled out of a 40th-floor window, because, while we like to delude ourselves that this way, online, we somehow get through the crowds of people who are woefully inappropriate for us by, instead, zeroing in on the people who have all the same stuff in common with us.
“You like stuff? I LOVE STUFF! Wow, we’re so awesome for each other! Let’s go get STUFF!”
The reality is, it’s a fucking crock. As if it’s all about the stupid shit we have in common? As if that elusive “chemistry” thing doesn’t apply? Psst, a little secret: Chemistry never, ever translates over the internet. It just doesn’t. You gotta do the in-the-flesh thing and see if it even works.
Shit, man, I’m gonna leave my door unlocked tonight, just in case my common sense is late getting home to me.
I was supposed to have a date with someone this past Saturday. THAT would have been pretty good. Too bad for life and its drama. To be continued at a later time and date? We’ll see what lady fate has to say about that. We’ll see if I’m even so inclined when the dust settles. Who knows?
Everyone else I’ve been in touch with is just completely pointless. Well, except one the jury is yet out on. Hell, even Saturday Drama Man may be completely pointless, but at least he’s in my league and my tastes.
You know what it is, though, don’t you? Just hormones. I think the problem is, when you get a great big box of sex toys plunked on your doorstep, as I did on Thursday, it’s not about WAITING for the mood to strike. It’s about getting the mood to strike and ASAP so you can play with your fancy-ass new orgasm-producing goods.
It’s about rummaging for erotica or porn, leafing through DVDs to find something hot, channel-surfing till you land on some verboten sex scene, WHATEVER IT TAKES to make those toys of use and get the hummin’ goin’.
Somewhere along the lines, the “Mm, well, that’s nice… but penises are nice too” thought occurs, and suddenly sex toys become the problem, not the solution. “I could go online, maybe even get LAID!”
Here’s where I throw my hands up at the skies and wail, “Why won’t you just let me be satisfied with what I have for a week? Why are dating sites so disgustingly entertaining to surf through? Why?”
Oh. Right. Hormones. Yeah, well. I’d say my hormones can go fuck themselves, but that appears to be part of the problem.
Am I completely alone in this endlessly irritating cycle of “I love being alone and single and empowered! Oh, hmm, who’s online anyhow?” Or do you also relate?

6 thoughts on “Damn You, Online Dating!

  1. myself

    Sigh, not alone. I too am guilty of the boredom browse. Except, the way I figure it, someone *might* just be worthwhile, but you are so correct, it takes meeting them in person to know. Met a perfectly nice guy the other day that I had great email back and forth with, and boom, nada, zip zilch. Another that wasn’t such a great back and forth, but enough to merit a meet, and there just might be some chemistry there….interesting first meeting.

    Who knows?

    And then again, I really do like my single status….sigh.

  2. a

    ooooooh, you’re definitely NOT alone. though i have certain requirements that have to be met in terms of interests.

    i have couple of sites that i browse and laugh at.

  3. Anonymous

    Not to give false hope, but I did manage to meet my other-half online some years ago. Honestly when compared to the bar scene vs. the safety of my own computer, I’d peruse online any day.

    Besides that, the drinks are cheaper at home and I don’t have to drive or ride in a smelly cab… And the comic factor of some profiles is just too much.

  4. Lucinda

    I’ve found that a guy’s online persona is almost always 180 degrees from what he is like in person. So now, if there is any interest, I’d rather just meet right away, with no pictures, no phone calls, and only minimal emails.

  5. single gal

    ugh – you’re preaching to the choir.
    I met a really nice guy a few weeks ago, we went on some fun outings and then NOTHING. Seriously, nothing. He dropped me a note on a Thursday night, I called him on the Friday and he has not returned my phone call. This is now 2 weeks later. Damn dating sites!

  6. Scribe Called Steff

    Myself — YES, the dreaded boredom browse. Been doing too much of it lately. Lame.

    And the sorry thing is, I really don’t feel I can compromise being single until Sept., Oct, because I want to capitalize on the summer weather for a little longer without feeling guilty about who I’m neglecting whilst I try this weight-loss thing and all. Sigh.

    I hear ya.

    A — Well, I of course have interests I require being met. I have a lot of stuff I require. But sometimes I forget and drop the bar. I usually come to my senses the next day or something, but it’s a shitty way to play when I have to go back and say “Actually, you’re not my type after all, but good luck” and all.

    Anon — This is the only reason why I entertain the thought still. I’ve met good men through the web in the past, better than the ones I meet in real life usually, because I like to think I’m intellectually ahead of the game most of the time, so smarts are soooo important in a mate, and online’s the best way to gauge that.

    But it’s still frustrating and a stupid thing to do when you’re not really in the mindset to do it, y’know?

    Lucinda — Yeah, falls under the “life’s too fucking short” category, no?

    Single Gal — Yeah, well, that happens, right? You have to remember two things: 1) There’s the unspoken rule that you can be shittier to people you’ve met online because it’s not “real life” and you don’t need to worry about them intersecting with people you “really” know — or so the rule would seem to be, anyhow (but should be broken by all who play the game, methinks) and 2) You are so far removed from their reality that you can’t possibly know if some horrendous thing has transpired in his life, so instead of thinking “Maybe some circumstance changed and he can’t deal with this right now” you revert to thinking he’s either an asshole or you somehow fucked it up and wrecked the flow.

    But, instead, what you should be thinking is, “Well, that sucks, but that’s the way it rolls” and just pull back and leave it alone. You could always try another contact attempt — if it’s a “no”, you have nothing to lose anyhow, right? At least you’ll know where you really stand.

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