I’m thinking about crossing that line in my moral sand.
I’ve always been the one-guy-one-gal type, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s just the old Catholic/societal brainwashing, and whether, maybe, I’m really built a little differently than what “tradition” often serves up.
I think I ultimately prefer monogamy. But I think the notion of having that kind of commitment, and dare I say obligation, in my life right now scares the living shit out of me.
Seriously, I just don’t want to have the grief that comes with serious devout commitment right now. The need to worry how they’re doing, the obligatory Fridays & Saturdays spent together, and all of that. I just don’t have it in me to give that much of myself to anyone right now. It’s hard enough to give it to myself.
I’ve considered the “friends with benefits” option, but I have to say, the responses I’ve gotten are essentially from, well, sexual babies and morons. You know, the eager-beaver types who claim they want oodles of sex and all that.
But, really, all they want is just to get laid. Most of these chumps wouldn’t know how to handle a woman with real libido if the Energizer Bunny came and gave ’em an all-night seminar and a schwack of caffeine to get the job done.
Let me make this very clear. If a woman says she a) has a powerful libido, and b) has great endurance, she is not the type who’ll be satisfied if you go down on her for 10 minutes, get her off, then fuck her for the four (three?) minutes it takes you to blow your wad.
That’s not “good” sex. That’s “all right” sex, and only because she at least got to come, but that’s grading on a heavy curve. A very, very steep curve. A generous curve. Like, Oprah generous. Like, “do I get a tax deductible receipt for that?” generous.
Of course, this is entirely rhetorical and has nothing to do with why I got to bed at 5am last Friday night. Or spent the rest of my weekend frustrated, tired, and annoyed.
I’m tired of knowing more about sex than my partners. I’m tired of being the supposedly corrupting influence. I’m tired of feeling like I need to toe the line with my aggressions. What, you want me to apologize for really getting into the moment? Shyeah, right.
So now I’m wondering if maybe, just maybe, someone who’s in an open relationship might be a less selfish, less immature, more sophisticated lover than those I’ve been used to. Maybe it’s time to separate the men from the boys for a while and see what the market has in store.
But it’s one of those things that makes the old Catholic schoolgirl in me feel like I’m about to shake hands with the devil. I don’t judge other people for engaging in open relationships — and even understand why they do — yet I judge myself rather harshly for considering the option.
The one thing that doesn’t need convincing? My hormones. They’re all-systems-go and ready to roll. And thrust and squirm and…
Well. Anyhow. Just know I’m considering. Very, very strongly. And why would I be considering unless there was something specific to consider? Exactly. I’ll let you know how this moral quandary of mine plays out. Perhaps emphasis on the ‘plays out’ bit there. Whatever.
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