A Frank Posting about Giving Head

I refused to give my “partner” head last weekend. This came as a shock. Having been somewhat drunk on good red wine, I had a good excuse. Truth is, it was an excuse.

Somehow, in all my writing, I’ve apparently made it sound like sitting around with a penis in my mouth is about the best thing I could imagine doing. Like my thoughts are along the lines, always, of “Oh, GOLLY! A cock in my mouth! I’ll take two!”

While some people are that type, and I wish ‘em all the power, I’m not. I’m unaware of how this perception that I am has come to be, so let’s clear that up for a second.

I am penis-positive. It’s not the penis, it’s me. More on that after.

Here’s the deal. There seems to be more or less three schools of thought out there on giving head. One is that it’s the best thing ever and having a penis in the mouth is like life coming up all sunshine and roses albeit on the salty side of it all. The second is that it’s a necessary evil, and something one partner does for the other, because that’s just how things are done. The third is that it’s an icky-icky thing to do, and not gonna happen on some people’s watch. (Silly people.)

I don’t fit in any of those categories.

I’m not crazy about a penis in my mouth. Honestly, I’m not. I’m not adverse to it, either. (Well, sometimes.) It’s just not one of those things for me.

However…

My “aversion” is physiological. I mean, I’ve always been one of those people who’s not crazy about taking pills and has to fight the gag reflex at the dentist, so sometimes a blowjob just isn’t that fun… other than what I get out of it — providing that little something for a partner that you just can’t get out of any other sex act. And it’s worth it, for that. Absolutely, without a doubt. Even if it means fighting the gag reflex.

That said…

I really, really enjoy giving one of those detail-focused, drawn-out blowjobs to a guy I’m genuinely into. But it’s not about the blowjob as much it’s about what I’m doing to HIM. It’s about the pleasuring and teasing and taunting, taking to the edge and backing off, and doing it again and again until I’m through with him. That’s quite fun. Yes, it is. It’s power and generosity and control and gift-giving and dominance and wickedness and affection and play, all bundled up into one awesome thing.

I know that blowjobs are something I’m really, really good at. Like, really. There’s a reason my three-year-old Good Girl’s Guide to Giving Great Head [part 1 is here, part 2 is here] is a hugely plagiarized blowjob-giving sex-tip writing on the web, you know.

I believe, if you’re going to do something, you better goddamned do it well. Being a Brownie, Girl Guide, going to Catholic school, and being a librarian and bookseller* has served me well. I’m a keener to perform my services to the best of my abilities, I have a powerful work ethic, overwhelming guilt when I fail, but I’m well-read enough to get it done right the first time.

Having said that? I’m not keen to bring out my number one trick, something I consider the most intimate thing I can do to a man, for any old shag. I’m liable to casually sleep with a man before I’ll give him head, if that makes any sense to you at all.

Nothing like keeping some surprises around about just how far you’ll go to please someone. Always be improving, right? Never stagnate.

Or at least that’s my motto, as old-fashioned as this lay-first, head-later mentality of mine sort of seems.

But I think it’s important to distinguish that, for some of us, it’s not about the penis, it’s about the act and the gift of the action. Maybe that’s not ideal in some mens’ minds, I don’t know, but it’s certainly worked all right in my endeavours.

Any thoughts you’d like to share, dear reader? Femmes, you relate at all, or…?

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This entry was posted in Best of Steff, casual sex, Dating, Etiquette, Foreplay & Arousing, Men's Department, Modern Feminism, Opinion (Editorial & Commentary), Oral Sex, Specifically Steff and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

6 Comments

  1. nattnightly
    Posted August 15, 2008 at 12:23 pm | Permalink

    I’m goign to have to say, I agree. Although in my case it’s women. Casual fucking I’m fine with, but going down on someone… I have to really like you to do that. Not because I don’t enjoy it (in fact it’s one of my favorite things to do) but because it’s deeply intimate for me, and it’s completely about the other person and what I can give them and how we relate in that moment.

  2. C.J. Strata
    Posted August 15, 2008 at 1:31 pm | Permalink

    Disclaimer: Having never actually been with a woman before, there is a high possibility my stance is askew. I speak solely on what I have seen and what I have cybered. =P

    Generally speaking, I am a submissive lover. Not in the ball gags, bondage, pleasure-from-pain kind of way, but in that I take a certain satisfaction from being commanded or controlled in the bedroom. More than that, however, I just like to please people. I’ve always been a live-for-others fellow, so I’m usually more than happy to do whatever I can to please a partner (within a few fetish guidelines). This can actually lead to some awkward moments, where I can actually feel uncomfortable receiving attention from others, because I feel like I’m not doing what I’m supposed to…but that’s neither here nor there.

    My attractions are admittedly slanted. I like male parts, and would have no problem going down on a guy. But I’m not all that attracted to the actual male form. And vice-versa, I’m really attracted to the female form, but I’m not all that interested in the vagina (not repulsed; just not aroused). But like Natt above, I’d still do it if I liked the woman.

    Oral by its nature is an act of service, so expecting it kind of dulls down its significance, if you ask me. That goes for both sexes.

  3. Ellie
    Posted August 15, 2008 at 2:46 pm | Permalink

    This post is right-on. I feel the same way about cocks in my mouth and I usually only want to do it under the best circumstances with someone I *adore*.

  4. griffin
    Posted August 15, 2008 at 3:23 pm | Permalink

    Totally agree. The act is a result of the adoration, not the other way around.

  5. bassringer
    Posted August 16, 2008 at 2:12 pm | Permalink

    For the record, I fall into category #2: I don’t enjoy giving head, but I do love making my boyfriend feel that good (plus I love receiving and fair’s fair) and I certainly fantasize about it plenty. A big part of my aversion is that I simply don’t like to jack my jaw wide open. Even with kissing, this becomes apparent (and my face gets pretty slobbery as a result). Previous boyfriends (the whole whopping two of them with whom I was that physical) have voiced complaints about my blowjob reluctance — not rudely, I don’t think, especially for young guys — but I never let myself feel guilty about my comfort zones. Now that I’m a bit older and more mature, and am in a more mature relationship with a more mature man, I’m in a bit more of an everything-for-him mindset.

    My own experience aside, I’ve read in a few places about how strange it is that North Americans seem to give head out like candy; while over in Europe, people will have lots of casual sex, sure, but you don’t go down on someone unless you’re married.

  6. Scribe Called Steff
    Posted August 19, 2008 at 2:13 am | Permalink

    Nat — Nice to know guys sometimes feel that way, too. From the number of casual encounters explicitly seeking oral on dating sites, it’s pretty easy for us women to be skeptical of fellas like you — assuming you’re a guy?

    CJ — Not sure what to comment on, so. :)

    Ellie — Excellent. We agree. Thanks for the linkage!

    Griffin — Thanks!

    Bassringer — You know, it’s funny, the most appreciated blowjob I ever gave, I was 28, and my lover was a 23-year-old from the States, and I blew his fucking mind (pun intended) because he’d never been able to convince a girl to give him head. I was always under the impression Americans got it less, so who knows.

    Or maybe they’re just giving bad head. I don’t know. :)

    But I don’t think it should be saved for marriage, either! Or even a serious longterm relationship. There’s just got to be something more than a shag there, is all.

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