Oh, dear, oh, dear. Ohh. Sigh.
So here’s a letter I received today–
We’ve been married 25 years, intercourse has always been great. Hubby has never learned to be good with his hands but orally he’s a dunce. I gave up many years ago. I have dropped 60 lbs and my libido went up, so has my old wish for good oral from him. I printed out “how to eat pussy” lessons I found on the net. He attacks the pussy like it’s diseased. Scrunches up his face and makes it look like he’s going to hate it. The lessons… well, he just couldn’t put it together.
He’s given me a list of “needs” to prepare for this.
1- must shave the area (fine with me, but he won’t assist.)2- must wash 10 minutes before doing act3- must be more than 5 days past period4- must be more than 5 days from getting period5- must be more than 3 days since last intercourse (we have sex 2 or 3 times a week, he ALWAYS cums inside)
He hates even looking at a vagina, and has had no clue in 26 years what a clit does. All the teaching I attempted in our early years was a waste as he just has no innate ability to figure out what to do, and won’t listen to my body. I am about ready to go man hunting for good oral.
SHOULD I GIVE UP ON HIM?
Shit. See, this is one of those “I’m not going to enjoy this” questions. It happens. Normally I’d remove more of the specifics, but it’s obvious he doesn’t read blogs like this. And even if he did, he deserves to recognize himself.
Reader, you need to say, “Look, I know YOU have a problem with this, but the majority of this country, men LOVE diving into snatch. YOU have a problem with it. YOU are the exception. YOU having a problem with it makes ME feel like YOU have a problem with MY snatch. This makes ME feel like a loser. This makes ME feel like maybe there’s someone out there, in the majority of the country, that feels differently about ME than YOU do. I’m tired of being rejected. It’s threatening our marriage. And the power is in your hands to change it. And if you don’t, I will.”
I mean, there’s no other option. You need to be brutally honest about this with him.
You should have been honest with him 25 years ago, but this is what happens in a lot of marriages because we’ve somehow come to believe, as a society, that sex isn’t an important component in our marriage, that it’s a fringe benefit of committing, rather than the truth: It is one of the most empowering tools we have of building our self-image and expressing our true selves. And one of the most destructive.
If, in sex, we’re made to feel ashamed of our bodies — our lover scrunches up his/her face before going down on us, expressing distaste and disgust before even laying lips upon us — then we’re actually being, in some regards, somewhat psychologically abused. Really. Our self-esteem is being assaulted. We’re being made to feel that we’re repulsive, and the problem is with their perspective, not our reality.
You tell a child often enough they’re stupid, and they’ll stop studying in school and will come to believe you. You show a lover often enough that they’re repulsive to you — or even a part of them is repulsive to you — and they may come to believe that you really do find them repulsive as a whole.
This is what he has done to you. For a quarter of a century. You have a right to be disappointed and angry. You have a right to demand more. And he has the right to decline.
Then you need to decide if you want to continue feeling as though you’re sexually repulsive, not having the truly fulfilled sex life you want…
Because, let’s face it, he’s not good with his hands, he’s not interested in oral, and he’s only interested in intercourse, in which he always comes inside, he doesn’t give a shit about the clitoris, shows no interest in learning about sex, doesn’t care (or acts like it) that he’s not fulfilling you in other ways — and, statistically, the majority of women cannot orgasm through intercourse, and the clitoris is like the “Hallelujah” chorus of sex? What?
Yeah, obviously he’s more or less in this for himself, whatever his hangups about oral sex might be, because he’s not really respecting what you feel, desire, or need.
Okay, let’s take a left-field tangent trip for a second. Seafood: I have always abhorred it. The smell of raw salmon would cause me to want to vomit. Nothing inspired disgust more than seafood. All my life. You have no idea.
And then I decided to give myself a total-life makeover, focusing hugely on trying to eat healthy. I now try to eat seafood a couple times a week. I’ve forced myself, and slowly but surely, I’m beginning to enjoy it. I simply told myself it was mind over matter. I had to learn that most of the world LOVES seafood, so clearly I was somehow wrong. I mean, if it’s the world’s favourite entree, clearly I’m off my nut, right?
I made myself consider all the positives: It was healthier. It was lower in fat. It would give me Omega 3s. My complexion would improve. My diet would balance out. Negatives: The smell.
The taste was an issue but I learned that, the better quality I bought, the less the fishy taste would be present, and the smell would be less of a problem, too. Plus, I’d clean up instantly, also negating the smell. Besides, you can overpower the taste if you use the right ingredients, and this girl can cook.
Like I had a headgame issue with seafood, your husband has a headgame issue with oral sex. The problem is entirely his. You’ve acquiesced to his “hygiene” demands, yet he persists in being cruel and disrespectful by revealing his disgust before he goes down on you. He’s not being fair.
You need to decide what your bottom line is.
Do you want to take the chance on being alone, not finding the proverbial Mr. Right-for-Your-Snatch (but possibly indeed finding him and living an eternally blissful life — or just a change of Mr. Wonderful-for-Nows)? Or do you feel you can live in an otherwise decent marriage that may have lots going for it, but comes with not only an unsatisfying sex life, but an offensive one that makes you feel ashamed?
And, you know what, you can make either of those choices and it’s okay, but you need to be behind that choice and know what it is you’ve really decided in favour of. But, either way, you need to tell him what’s at stake here. He needs to know that he’s being a wuss, a meanie, and just not making you feel like the woman you DESERVE to feel like.
And, depending on his choice of action, you need to then decide, should you stay or should you go? I can’t fucking tell ya that, but as for the option of giving up on him and cheating, I just think that’s cowardly. I don’t support infidelity inside conventional relationships. If he wants to consent to an open relationship so someone else can devour you, then that’s his prerogative. But I think cheating as an easier out is cowardly… not that that was your plan. Just saying. 🙂
So, yeah. Tough question, tough answer. Lemme know how it goes.
These guys are old-school. He´s as old-school as they get it seems. But why does it have to be all his fault?
I´m not seeing her complaining that he told her to stuff it and stop behaving like a whore. So MAYBE she´s not telling the whole truth, like for instance her nether body odors are off the deeps-see tuna variety?
BTW, if a woman starts asking web mistresses if she should continue a quarter century marriage, the dices fell a while ago. Right about the time she decided to drop 60 lbs I´ll wager. Dito with the man hunting bit, guess the kids are 18 so at least soon to be x-hubby doesn´t have to pay alimony.
Marriage-strike here I come.
If she wants to stay married to this guy (and let’s suppose for a moment that he has enough redeeming features that the whole package is worth keeping – she says he’s a ‘great hubby’) then maybe she should think about outsourcing this one thing.
I’m sure there are many men out there who’d be very happy to give her pussy the attention it deserves.
Another thought – maybe he’s just not that into women? I have a few buddies who were married for ages but were mostly gay (as opposed to me, I’m about 60:40) and a fairly consistent thing they say is that they never really liked going down on a woman. And yes, I know this is an absurd generalisation.
I agree with Hans in that it’s unlikely this is ALL his fault; I never like to say there’s ever a single guilty person in any situation, because very rarely is that the case. That said, it does seem like the ball’s mostly bouncing in his court. If she has desires and he’s not meeting them—not just via neglect, but outright refusal—then it’s as you’re saying: Something needs to be changed, and if he’s not willing to change it, then she needs to.
There’s a sexual dichotomy around oral between men and women, and not just because there are different parts involved. For some guys it’s just a fantasy, a kink; would be nice to have, but not a necessity. As most have no issues climaxing during sex, they’re not too concerned if they don’t happen to get sucked off. But some ladies need that kind of stimulation to achieve any orgasm at all. I would suspect this guy is one such male, and doesn’t understand it’s not just a kink, but a full-blown need.
maybe he simply doesn’t give a shit about her sexual gratification. my ex hubby was like that too. he always wanted blow jobs, but would not and could not reciprocate. there’s a line that has to be drawn, and if it’s not met, then there are other options.
I agree with Steff. Make a decision and live with the consequences. Cheating is not right,and I don’t see this man,as described, being ok with “outsourcing”.
Hans — Divorces are skyrocketing for long marriages these days. It’s that 50+ realization that just because you said yes doesn’t mean it needs to remain a yes. Heh.
I don’t get where this “behaving like a whore” comment comes from, but whatever.
Anyhow, I exchanged several emails with her before posting. There are no body issues with odor or anything, she’s spoken to a medical professional to make sure on that count.
Trumpeter — I wondered if he was into women, too, but from what I understand, most closeted gay men will still like oral sex, but the intercourse tends to be more anal and more often doggy style… if such generalizations are to be believed.
I still think it’s just hang-ups though.
Like I said, there were a few emails.
CJ Strata — Well, if you were to read the intimate personals on web dating sites, you’d see that the majority of guys on those sites claim oral’s their reason for living, so methinks most guys are a little keener on it than you might think?
A — You GO, girl!
Cynthia — Yeah, crappy decision to have to make, but there you go.
oh, and my better half read this, and said, the first thing I expected was
for steff to tell you to take hubby, sit him down, tie him down to a chair, and then tell him he ain’t moving till he gets it RIGHT!