The Day-After Blogging Shame

You know, this whole recovering-Catholic thing plays so badly with writing any kind of exposés about my own sex life.

I feel horribly guilty, like a first-class cunt, for having posted my thingie about my “underwhelming weekend sex” yesterday. But then I got to thinking about it.

First, I placed an ad for sex. I made it very, very plain that I was looking for someone who was a talented, attentive lover with brains. But the sex, I said, was the whole point. I was very, very clear about this. Not about having a relationship, having a boyfriend, bringing someone to staff parties, or being a couple. Sex, sex, sex. And not even one-time sex. Someone who wanted a good shagging and often, that’s what I wanted. And I mentioned I had two very key things: ample libido, and killer endurance.

Second, the guy read my blog. He knew I wasn’t just some average chick who was happy to play around for five minutes. I mean, I write a sex blog! If a guy’s going to bring his “A” game out to play with anyone, wouldn’t that someone compute to be someone they knew to be into quality shagging, someone who ran an ad seeking quality shagging?

Third, if it was underwhelming sex but he’d tried in ANY OTHER AREA — intimacy, cudding, conversation — afterwards, I’d have given him a pass. Because he was cute and nice and I’m a sucker that way. But, nothing.

Fourth, if you’re going to take the risk of having casual sex, shouldn’t you really indulge in the experience? I mean, you’re taking a shot at the whole “possible transmission of STDs” gamble, so HAVE SEX, right?

Fifth, it really is for the greater good. I would like to think that, if I’ve stopped one guy from doing the foreplay-only-as-long-as-necessary, get-off, and-forget-about-her kind of sex I had on the weekend, then I feel I’ve done a good service.

Because, whether it’s initiating what’s hoped to be an ongoing casual sex relationship, just a here-and-now shag, or something more, one of the most important things about sex is to feel appreciated — and spent.

If you don’t even feel appreciated at the end, not spent, and just used, and not even in a good way, then why even go there?

Honestly, I’ve probably felt more used out of this experience than I have since I was in my early 20s. Used, absolutely. And that, friends, just isn’t fair.

So perhaps we’re at a more honest place about why I’m so pissed about that experience. Because whatever else my ad might’ve said I wanted, getting used wasn’t one of them.

(Now, had I been used for great sex… Well, y’know, that’s something I might make an allowance for. )

Don’t forget, I’m on Twitter now. Come have a boo.

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This entry was posted in Best of Steff, casual sex, Dating, Men's Department, Opinion (Editorial & Commentary), Oral Sex, Sex, Specifically Steff, Steff Rants and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. Jack
    Posted August 14, 2008 at 11:15 am | Permalink

    As an over achiever in the casual sex department I say, screw him. Well, you know what I mean. A girl who hasn’t gotten any in a while and is sexually open enough to write a sex blog AND wrote and ad like that? It would be Olympic style games. You have to take it to the next level. Go big or go home. I’m surprised you didn’t chastise him in person.

  2. Scribe Called Steff
    Posted August 14, 2008 at 11:23 am | Permalink

    Sigh. Olympic-style sex was exactly what I was wanting, too.

    Stupid, stupid man. Oh, the things he could have experienced. But, no.

    I think I didn’t chastise him because I was in shock. I’ve heard about bad sex experiences, but I’ve never had the misfortune. I’m usually a keener, they’re a keener, everyone has fun.

    Thank god more dates loom with Other Candidates.

    Thanks. :)

  3. teamoney
    Posted August 14, 2008 at 7:17 pm | Permalink

    I loved your labels for this post. “unsatisfying sex” and “wanting a do-over”. I’m a new reader (if you hadn’t guessed) and its funny, because I’ve had unsatisfying sex a lot. ( yes, I’ve boo hooed about it)I mostly blame it on the age group. They are selfish lovers. I just don’t understand how a guy can do their thing.. and then just move on? No explanation. No equality in the sex at all. ” Was it good for you?” “No?” “Oh well, too bad..” How do you walk away from sex still feeling manly when you haven’t fulfilled your woman’s needs? Isn’t that a turn on too?

    Well, I’m sorry you opened your vagina to a man, and he didn’t come through. I seriously wouldn’t bestow horrible sex on my worst enemy.

  4. T.Bean
    Posted August 14, 2008 at 7:25 pm | Permalink

    Ask for a letter of recommendation! Problem solved..

    Don’t give up!

  5. Scribe Called Steff
    Posted August 15, 2008 at 12:44 am | Permalink

    Teamoney —

    Well, I suspect I don’t get the unsatisfying sex that much because I’m usually quite willing to take charge a little and I’m pretty fucking blunt about saying what’s working or not when it needs to be said. No meek girlie here.

    Friday, I wasn’t myself. Why? ‘Cos I haven’t been laid in a couple of years and I felt off my game.

    I usually won’t drink much when I’m getting laid, but we’d drank quite a bit. I’m still very effective tipsy, but I won’t give head. I am not, however, much for the ‘control’ thing when I’m drunkish in bed, though. So, that’s probably part of it.

    But, you know, girls blame men too much for shitty sex… bad sex usually goes both ways. I know what my faults from my encounter are — I was off my game, didn’t act like myself, and shoulda fuckin’ said something. My bad.

    Still. :)

    T. Bean —

    I ain’t asking anyone for recommendations, but I’m going to follow my instincts better next time.

    I think the new rule will go something like this:

    It’s all about the kissing. If they nail kissing, they can nail me. HA.

  6. myself
    Posted August 16, 2008 at 12:30 am | Permalink

    K I’m going to agree about the kissing Steff. Kiss me and make my knees weak and you’ve got me lock stock & barrel.

  7. Spicy Little Pi
    Posted August 18, 2008 at 10:35 pm | Permalink

    Mmmm mmm!

    I love me some make out time on the couch!

    This little weekend un-adventure sounds similar to an experience I had a few weeks ago…guy was GREAT with the kissing and caressing, just-the-way-I-like-it from the start, I thought what a treat!

    One day Pi has a fabulous time tailgating and watching sports and drinking wayyyy too much, so I called in the Make-Out Man.

    Got to his place…he was sober. I was shit-housed, and apparently he was nervous.

    Egh. It ‘technically’ counts.

    All that work and all he was packin was an Average Joe.

    As for the used feeling, I find it’s fun to give em a taste of their own medicine. Find a guy with that Big Dick Attitude (hopefully justified!)and just focus on getting your sweet Os…
    It’s mighty satisfying to push em away and sigh…oh, that was Nice…now get out.

    Oh Sex, I miss you too.

  8. Scribe Called Steff
    Posted August 18, 2008 at 11:29 pm | Permalink

    Myself– Yes, the making out is now the first test that must be passed successfully.

    Then they need to be either A) highly shaggable and good at it, or B) eager, trainable, willing, and promising.

    Spicy Pi Thang — To which lonely, horny guys all over the world are thinking, “Damn, where are these easy chicks, wooable with a makeout session, that come calling for sex on a whim, and why don’t they live closer to me?”

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