When We Were Kids: Thoughts on BDSM

Experts will tell you that who we are in life is defined by the age of seven. Our ethics, our play, our work habits, it’s all laid out as part of who we are, and will continue to be, by seven.

There are those who’ve taken this a step further and will tell you also that who you are sexually is defined, as well, by seven. But we often spend our lifetimes trying to make sense of that definition.

Take me, for instance. I’ve been out of the getting-laid world now for a couple of years. After not having had sex for 26 months (but have since) thanks to a totally disappearing libido because of meds I was on, and experiencing the incredible rush of libido-arising all of a sudden after such a long dormancy, I’ve found myself in some very, very new and different headspace.

After not having wanted sex at all, barely ever masturbating for months on end, I’ve suddenly found myself craving a different brand of sex. Something rougher, more primal. Perhaps even a little less democratic. Power plays. Teasing. Even a little pain. Certainly with discipline.

Not that I’ve ever sat around fantasizing about rose petals on the bed, silk sheets, and soft, feathery kisses and all. That’s never been my kind of imagery anyhow. I fantasize about sex on floors, against walls, in public places, getting rugburn, and always have. But this takes things to another level.

And with that comes the reckoning of how much of that is just “Fuck, I need me some” versus evolution of a new kind of desire.

So, when I was out for drinks lately and my date mentioned how experts think our sexual-play selves are defined in childhood, it was like I’d been hit by a truck. I suddenly had this monster out-of-the-blue flashback of my brother and I always playing Wild West and tying each other up as part of our hijinks. The tying was always my favourite part, whether I was the one tied who had to escape, or the one who got to do the tying.

I hadn’t thought of that in years. I could suddenly remember the smell of my brother’s carpet as I was tied on the floor, the way the light shone in his big-ass window, how amused I was when we came up with new knots, listening to his Elton John and Billy Joel records as we laughed and goofed off, probably until I was 10 or so. And it was just play, people, nothing sexual, so stop yer dirty thoughts.

Then everything changed. I had to be more ladylike, he had his guy friends to abuse with their stupid Jackass-style stunts in the yard, and I sort of forgot about that girl who loved the roughhousing.

Until that drink. And now I can’t stop thinking about whether this “new” direction I’m wanting to amble in is just me coming home to who I truly am after all.

And, I guess until I find a partner I can trust and who inspires in me the will to explore these directions, I won’t really know.

You can count on me writing more about this journey I plan to take. I think the “how I became a BDSM person” thing needs to be written about more, but in much more articulate and philosophical ways, and less focused on the “how to be spanked” technical side of things, since anyone can learn the physical/technical side of it all. Doing things are easy, but understanding why you want to go there, that can be tricky. And I won’t go blindly. I think there’s a real internal struggle many of us have to overcome before we can embrace the so-called “lifestyle” of BDSM.

Moral brainwashing is strong, young grasshoppers. Even I, your lowly smuttress of choice, have a myriad of hangups to get past on this journey I plan to take. Don’t we all? In keeping with my blog-style, it’d be wrong of me not to share.

And I have no fucking idea what to expect. I guess that’s the beauty of it all. An open mind is all I’ve got.

If you have some pearls of wisdom you think I ought to know, have at ‘er. Like I say, I’ll be the newbie in this big, bad world of BDSM, and I’ve no illusions on that. Enlighten me, comment away.

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This entry was posted in Best of Steff, Dating, Foreplay & Arousing, Opinion (Editorial & Commentary), Psychology & Moods, Sex, Society and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.
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