And Then It Was 2009

New Year’s Eve Morn and my coffee soon runs out. Snow’s still melting all around us. The sky is indecisive about the day ahead, black as fuck on one horizon and sunny to beat all hell on the other.

Is it a statement about the year that passes us by today? It was this way or that, and never anywhere in between?

Because I don’t know about you, but mine was never very middling. Hard as hell most of the time, but when it was good, my god, it was like I kissed the sky.

Here I am, at the other end. Some 55 pounds less of me sitting on my new leather sofa, contemplating a night ahead of me very similar to the one I had last year and the year before that. I’ve never been a fan of New Year’s Eve in the whole “Let’s go get shitfaced! Wahoo!” kind of way as the rest of the world. I’ve done my partying, I’m over it. For me, if I’m involved, it’s a night to stay home and enjoy each other. If I’m not, it’s a night to stay home, drink, write, and reflect.

Last year I had a very sombre New Year’s Eve as I reflected on how exasperated I’d become with myself for allowing myself to continue living unhappily. I resolved to take action. Came up with my little gameplan for the year ahead, put it all in writing.

I pretty much only ever have one New Year’s Resolution. Simply put: Always be improving. Last year, I felt I hadn’t improved at all. This year, I’ve made progress in every area across the board. I ain’t done, but I’ve got some serious forward momentum to pitch in for progress in ’09.

I have a long ways to go. Let’s not kid ourselves. Even on the weight front, from a one-time high of nearly 300 pounds with a size of 22/24, I’m down to size 15 and 215 pounds, but I want to be a size 8 at around 155 or so.

I’d like to start dating, so I have a fire under my ass for that come January, but I’m still not particularly interested in being a social animal, or even having a complicated relationship. I’d like to see my friends every now and then, but I’m very much content to remain anti-social, and just push-push-push into an active, high-fitness lifestyle, until April or May. It will wear me the fuck out, too. Don’t I know it.

Then? The gloves come off. I’m going to start literally saving my pennies so I can join an sports/social league here in Vancouver, because two goals I have for the summer of ’09 include joining a beach volleyball league to meet new, healthy people [including hot men who like to play] and learning to surf at summer’s end.

But I have a lot of work to do between now and the summer. I want to lose 30 pounds [and will] and be sure that my back and knees have regained the strength they had before I was injured in October. That jumping around on sand is hard on knees and back, so I have my bodywork cut out for me. But NEVER did I think I could be THAT girl. Now, though? I’m gonna be.

As far as specific goals go, that’s that. I have others, but I don’t want to share them. Stuff like writing, internal growth, and other harder-to-encapsulate things. They’re still taking form behind closed curtains, but even if they were whole, I think they’d still be just for me.

I’m excited this new year. But I’m also daunted. I know how hard this year has been. I know what I’ve accomplished. I was there for every fucking minute of it. I know how beaten it made me feel at times, how much I felt like giving in and giving up. I know I’ve cried and raged and fumed and feared. I know. I know all too goddamned well.

That’s part of why I’m so excited. Because I also know where I had to dig to find what it took to get to the other side. I dug. I made it happen. I’m ready to make more happen.

And I know how close I am, and how much remains to be dug in my reserves.

It’s gonna be a long, hard year. But I bet it’s worth every bit of whatever there is to come. Bring it, cosmos. Happy fuckin’ new year, minions. May it rock us all.